wishes to walk on water

Happy New Year 2012! =D

2012-01-08T16:43:00.008+08:00

Come mid-february, i'll officially be back for t.w.o. years! :) time flies.

the Lord has brought me lower from the eighth floor so that I'll be more grounded, and so i can smell the after-rain better.

i haven't thought of any new year resolutions, and i'm not sure if i'm making any. but i'd like to share some little notes that were saved but went unpublished throughout 2011.

1. When My Wisdom Tooth Grew

"God, can we please have mashed potatoes in school today? Chewing is terrible." and voila. mashed potatoes it is! served that very day. i think the last time i saw mashed potatoes in the canteen was a year before that.

2. When I Drive

I hate driving to get myself fined. But I love driving to suddenly catch streams of brown leaves fall quietly like in the movies, right in front of my windshield.

3. When I Sing

In 2010, I took a whole year to read Jeremiah, the weeping prophet. when i finished that, i thought that the time of weeping for me is over. and hence it is time to sing. and i started reading psalms. that's why you'd notice that most of the blog posts in 2011 are in songs. but it turned out that i didn't stop weeping that year.

and that's okay.

Be patient, He says, the time of no death, mourning, crying or pain is yet to come.

4. When I'm Dissatisfied

"If I find myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."

- CS Lewis

5. When Tiles Are Smooth

She told me to be careful when I walk because the tiles are too smooth.

TOO smooth? and you'd think that smooth is good. smooth sailing is very good. but too-smooth makes us fall. Better that the tiles are rough. we will have a firmer walk in life with rough patches.

6. When Shopping Pales In Comparison

A friend once asked if she could visit my hometown.

Sure, I said, but there's nothing there.

That's not true! She said. There are people there. And people are the most important.

Hence, I've decided that the next time I travel, it shouldn't be for shopping madness. but to enjoy the Lord's creation, and most importantly, to meet the people.

7. When I'm Blessed

The Lord pampers me, I know. He pampers me with mashed potatoes and falling leaves; with a family that loves me, and with friends who are like-minded. But His pampering is most obvious when He brought me to Singapore just to show me who He is. And now that I've known, He brought me back so I can show others here.

"The God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

- Romans 15:13

"Blessed is the people whose God is the LORD."

- Psalm 144: 15b

i haven't thought of any new year resolutions, and I'm not sure if i'm making any. but i think i'd like to continue singing.

"I belong to you. This is my call, to sing melodies of You, and I can do nothing else."

- Sixpence None The Richer

"There is no one else for me. None but Jesus. Crucified to set me free. Now I live to bring Him praise. When You call, help me not to delay. This, my song through all my days."

- Hillsong United

Blessing in Disguise

2011-12-13T23:43:00.002+08:00

I love the smell of an after-rain. :)

If you're like me and is curious to know how that smell is produced, here's an answer from HowStuffWorks:

"As it turns out, the smells people associate with rainstorms can be caused by a number of things. One of the more pleasant rain smells, the one we often notice in the woods, is actually caused by bacteria! Actinomycetes, a type of filamentous bacteria, grow in soil when conditions are damp and warm. When the soil dries out, the bacteria produces spores in the soil. The wetness and force of rainfall kick these tiny spores up into the air where moisture after a rain acts as an aerosol (just like an aerosol air freshener). The moist air easily carries the spores to us so we breathe them in. These spores have a distinctive, earthy smell we often associate with the rainfall. The bacteria is extremely common and can be found in areas all over the world, which accounts for the universality of this sweet "after-the-rain" smell. Since the bacteria thrives in moist soil but releases the spores once the soil dries out, the smell is most acute after a rain that follows a dry spell, although you'll notice it to some degree after most rainstorms."

The wetness. and force. of rainfall kick! these tiny spores up into the air.

How apt. Just like how we need to be kicked hard and cold so that we can bounce right up and high.

The smell is most acute after a rain that follows a dry spell.

And how we shall bounce most high after a long period of drought, of lacking, nothingness. senselessness.

"What if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise"

- Blessings, Laura Story

On Hope

2011-11-25T21:37:00.006+08:00

that child told me to hope for the best.

but he told not to keep my hopes up. it's a game, he says. the higher my hopes, the greater my disappointment. it's therefore better to play it cool.

today i feel stupid for believing that guy. disappointment wounds the heart bad. but to hope less kills the heart slowly. and if i one day reach hopelessness, then i will surely die.

our hearts yearn for hope. don't suppress it. fill it all in. and it will overflow- with life.

expect the worst. hope for the best.

Elephant in the Room, Richard Walters

2011-10-16T20:09:00.000+08:00

Loving Jakob Karr dance this beautiful song in his SYTYCD audition! or youtube 'elephant in the room lyrics' for the full song.

Calling you to wake

Shouting in my car that's stalled outside. It's pure coincidence, I'm sure.

Falling from my mouth, secondary doubts I've found myself in

Can't seem to look you in the eyes

And I hope you can see

I'm more than this,

this heap at your feet

Who are you to judge me? Who are you to preach?

Control has slipped away from me again

How heavy are these words?

They're heavier than air

That rushes past your face as you drive away from me again

How heavy are my hands?

They're heavier than blood

That rushes to my head as I will walk away from here again

Mine against His

2011-08-07T23:17:00.005+08:00

Mine.

i thought i was thirsty. so i drank. but it was no good. so maybe i was hungry.

i tried food. and it was good for a while. but i felt it again.

i filled my ears with music this time. it was good. for a while. and i felt it again.

i sucked in the sunshine. the skies.

the air. and the waves.

it was really good.

but. i felt it again.

i thought you said hi. so i said hi back. but it was no good. so maybe i misheard you.

i said goodbye. and it was good for a while. but i felt it again.

i tried walking with my eyes closed this time. it was really good. for a while. but. uh-oh. i felt it again.

His.

PSALM 104 (in parts):

"He waters the mountains from his upper chambers;

the land is satisfied by the fruit of his work.

He makes grass grow for the cattle,

and plants for people to cultivate-

bringing forth food from the earth:

wine that gladdens human hearts,

oil to make their faces shine.

and bread that sustains their hearts.

The lions roar for their prey

and seek their food from God.

All creatures look to you

to give them their food at the proper time.

When you give it to them,

they gather it up;

when you open your hand,

they are satisfied with good things."

2011-07-03T22:32:00.002+08:00

love flutters its wings.

it doesn't hurt,

when it lands on an evening rose.

time fails to capture the beauty of its moment.

but eternity looks from above, and smiles.

love flutters its broken wings.

yet it doesn't hurt,

to fly another time. and another time.

time looks down on its incompleteness,

but an evening petal encircles, and arms its visitor in the sight of eternity.

Rainbow Connection

2011-06-08T22:36:00.004+08:00

Why are there so many

Songs about rainbows

And what's on the other side?

Rainbows are visions

But only illusions

Rainbows have nothing to hide

So we've been told and some choose to believe it

I know they're wrong, wait and see

Someday we'll find it

The rainbow connection

The lovers, the dreamers and me

Who said that every wish will be heard and answered

When wished on a morning star

Somebody thought of that

and someone believed it

Look what it's done so far

What's so amazing that keeps us star gazing?

What do we think we might see?

Someday we'll find it

The rainbow connection

The lovers, the dreamers and me

All of us under its spell, we know that it's probably magic.

Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices

I've heard them calling my name

Is this the sweet sound that calls the young sailors

The voice might be one and the same

I've heard it too many times to ignore it

It's something that I'm supposed to be

Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection

The lovers, the dreamers and me

Not Going Anywhere

2011-05-05T22:45:00.004+08:00

-Keren Ann

This is why I always wonder

I'm a pond full of regrets

I always try to not remember

Rather than forget

This is why I always whisper

When vagabonds are passing by

I tend to keep myself away

From their goodbyes

Tides will fall and rise along the bay

And I'm not going anywhere, I'm not going anywhere

People come and go and walk away

But I'm not going anywhere, I'm not going anywhere

This is why I always whisper

I'm a river with a spell

I like to hear but not to listen

Like to say but not to tell

This is why I always wonder

There's nothing new under the sun

I won't go anywhere

So give my love to everyone

Tides will fall and rise along the bay

And I'm not going anywhere, I'm not going anywhere

People come and go and walk away

But I'm not going anywhere, I'm not going anywhere

This is the best i can find in youtube =X

Even Stones Will Sing

2011-03-31T20:41:00.003+08:00

'You must not speak,' he says.

So I bit my lips,

and I listened instead.

I listened to the quick rustling of the leaves. to the slow whirring of a motorbike. to the random chirping of a bird. to other deliberate refrains from other birds. then the leaves again- drummed by my friend, the wind. at that point i would believe it if the sun stooped down to join in- some sizzling sounds with its heat perhaps?

A grand morning orchestra.

I walked to my room, turned on the CD player, and I secretly laughed.

"I tell you," He replied,"if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out."- Luke 19:40

Many Are The Wonders To Sing

2011-03-13T21:51:00.004+08:00

"He put a new song in my mouth,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear the LORD

and put their trust in him.

Blessed is the one

who trusts in the LORD,

who does not look to the proud,

to those who turn aside to false gods.

Many, LORD my God,

are the wonders you have done,

the things you planned for us.

None can compare with you;

were I to speak and tell of your deeds,

they would be too many to declare.

Sacrifice and offering you did not desire—

but my ears you have opened—

burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require.

Then I said, “Here I am, I have come—

it is written about me in the scroll.

I desire to do your will, my God;

your law is within my heart."

-Psalm 40:3-8

A New Song

2011-01-22T23:57:00.002+08:00

Psalm 33

Sing joyfully to the LORD, you righteous;

it is fitting for the upright to praise him.

Praise the LORD with the harp;
make music to him on the ten-stringed lyre.
Sing to him a new song;
play skillfully, and shout for joy.

For the word of the LORD is right and true;
he is faithful in all he does.
The LORD loves righteousness and justice;
the earth is full of his unfailing love.

By the word of the LORD the heavens were made,
their starry host by the breath of his mouth.
He gathers the waters of the sea into jars;
he puts the deep into storehouses.
Let all the earth fear the LORD;
let all the people of the world revere him.
For he spoke, and it came to be;
he commanded, and it stood firm.

The LORD foils the plans of the nations;
he thwarts the purposes of the peoples.
But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever,
the purposes of his heart through all generations.

Blessed is the nation whose God is the LORD,
the people he chose for his inheritance.
From heaven the LORD looks down
and sees all mankind;
from his dwelling place he watches
all who live on earth—
he who forms the hearts of all,
who considers everything they do.

No king is saved by the size of his army;
no warrior escapes by his great strength.
A horse is a vain hope for deliverance;
despite all its great strength it cannot save.
But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him,
on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,
to deliver them from death
and keep them alive in famine.

We wait in hope for the LORD;
he is our help and our shield.
In him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in his holy name.
May your unfailing love be with us, LORD,
even as we put our hope in you.

Chemistry and Physics of Space and Breaking

2010-12-05T22:23:00.007+08:00

Once, in chemistry, I'd learned that objects never really touch- because of ions repelling, there's always an infinitesimal space, so that even when it feels like you're holding hands or rubbing up against something on the atomic level, you're not.

She was talking about gaps. Gaps between her and her adoptive family; gaps between birth mothers and daughters that were given away; she was talking about gaps that will always be between any two persons.

Gaps are not generally considered a positive thing. Generation gap. Income gap. Gap between two teeth.

But like what Kahlil Gibran wonderfully described in The Prophet, there is a certain sort of gap that is beautiful. It is not only beautiful, it is necessary.

Sing and dance together and be joyous,

but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together yet not too near together:

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

I remember a girl who once folded me three little stars in her hands. She threaded a fine wire to hold the stars in a line and pointed, "The one on the left is me, the one on the right is you, and God is right in the middle". I'm not sure if that girl still remembers this incident or if she has known back then the depth and wisdom of her words. But at that moment, the stars revealed to me that infinitesimal spaces between persons are there for a reason- so that it can be filled by glue that holds us and holds everything together. Glue that completes us. Satisfies us. Oh. And not all glue works, you know. In fact, I only know of one that does it flawlessly. God.

Things break all the time. Day breaks, waves break, voices break. Promises break. Hearts break. She wrote. Flames turn to dust, lovers become friends, and all good things come to an end. She sings.

Hollow spaces between two persons are indeed scary. It makes us want to hold on tighter, it makes us try too hard, it makes us afraid. And it makes our hearts break when the spaces in between becomes a real crack that never really mends. The thing is, it has already cracked so often, especially if we tried to do without the glue.

But like the little stars that I still keep, I am grateful that there is at least one assurance that all things will surely crumble, but God is faithfully keeping them together; all relationships will surely be broken, but He is graciously keeping us all together.

Dear Diary 2

2010-11-27T15:41:00.003+08:00

31-10-'95. Tuesday. Windy.

Dear Diary,

If you want to ask me anything, please ask it in dream. And make sure that I remember it when I woke up.

1-11-'95. Wednesday. Hot day.

Dear Diary, today I am so unlucky. My hand has 2 scars on it because my friend accidentally make it. And my friend step onto my leg. And my brother always scold me. I think this day is especially a punishment for me. Whatever I had done wrong maybe I don't realize it. Last night I have many dreams. It is so strange. I can't remember anything about it when I woke up. I only remember that I had many strange dreams. Maybe it's you.

Your writer,

(my signature at 10-year-old)

Dear Diary

2010-11-25T20:46:00.003+08:00

ahahahaha.... i just found this little book "Fancy Bear" in my room.

This is what the first page says:

29-10-'95. Sunday. Sunny day.

Dear diary,

this is the first time i write a diary. Let me introduce myself. I am not so hardworking girl. I am Indonesian. I came to Singapore to study at 27-7-'94. (I can still remember clearly) My name is Ellince Sutopo. People often call me Alice. I have a brother only. His name is Willy Sutopo. I stay with my Aunt and Uncle. I am Primary 4 now. Going to Primary 5. My exam is over by now. I hope I pass my exam with flying colours. I know that my Social Studies get 76 marks. And my Science get B.1 (I mean bend 1) The teacher can't tell me the marks. My P.4 Streaming exam is: (The most important) English Chinese and Math. Now, my Best friend's name is Lin Wan Hua. I think I will write more to you tomorrow about my parents and relatives. And of course! what is happening that day.

But before finishing this, I want to tell you. I was born at 23-10-'85. So I am 10 years old. Now my birthday was just over. I spent my day at my Aunt's house. It was fun.

Your writer,

(my signature at 10-year-old)

2010-11-02T22:52:00.003+08:00

one girl told me that she wants to be swept away by the tsunami and disappear into some remote and unknown island. she'll have a new beginning, staying with the natives. no past to bother her. and one year later when she returns or when she is discovered, she'll pretend to have amnesia. then she can forget about the expectations that others have of her, and just live like how she thinks her life should be. when the others see her again, they'd have no reason to impose on those expectations anymore because they can't expect her to know or remember.

i didn't know what to say to her =(

The Prophet

2010-09-20T18:56:00.001+08:00

-Kahlil Gibran

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when
the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cups but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous,
but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

He says

2010-09-06T01:12:00.006+08:00

Love is blind, Shakespeare said.

It is not.

In fact, Love makes my eyes see brighter, brighter than lasik.

Light enters better.

And your colours shine richer.

Some tell me it is a dream.

Vivid is only as what we painted them to be.

A paint over cracked walls.

But hey, it's 00.57am, and I am wide awake.

2010-08-16T22:07:00.002+08:00

she tip-toes

to avoid

the scattered pieces

but it's a lie.

she just wants some quiet,

that no one will come

to tell her that it needs to be round.

that all lines must come to a perfect circle.

it's a must and it is right.

she wonders

and circles around the pieces.

how can a broken plate be made round again?

Your Love Satisfies, and I Think of You

2010-07-13T21:52:00.004+08:00

Because your love is better than life,

my lips will glorify you.

I will praise you as long as i live,

and in your name I will lift up my hands.

My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;

with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

On my bed I remember you;

I think of you through the watches of the night.

I told God that I desire for everyone and everything, but no one and no thing satisfy. God asked David to write the song above many years ago to give me an answer. =)

"David, wearing a linen ephod, danced before the LORD with all his might, while he and the entire house of Israel brought up the ark of the LORD with shouts and the sound of trumpets. As the ark of the LORD was entering the City of David, Michal daughter of Saul watched from a window. And when she saw King David leaping and dancing before the LORD, she despised him in her heart....

When David returned home to bless his household, Michal daughter of Saul came out to meet him and said, 'How the king of Israel has distinguished himself today, disrobing in the sight of the slave girls of his servants as any vulgar fellow would!'"

I am jealous of David... because he is someone who loved the Lord so much that he danced like no one was watching... i wish i'm like that. =) and as he was despised by his very own wife, he answered "I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes."

Troop of Rainbow, Laskar Pelangi

2010-06-05T01:13:00.004+08:00

I like this song in the movie, Laskar Pelangi. I like its novel all the more. it's the only Indonesian novel I've read, so I'm not exactly entitled to have a favourite since i can't compare. but it IS my favourite. =) hopefully there'll be a good english translation soon enough and i'll be proud to present to the rest of the world a little indonesian literature of what poverty makes of destiny, of love, of hopes and dream, and of the rich.

Translating its soundtrack below,

Dreams are key
For us to conquer the world
Run without being weary
until you reach them

The troop of rainbow
Unrestrained by time
Free your dreams into the sky
Colour the stars of your soul

Dance, and laugh
Though the world is not like heaven
Give thanks to the Almighty
For the love that we have here

Love of life
Gives an eternal smile
Though life is unfair at times
Love completes us

The troop of rainbow
Unrestrained by time
Do not stop colouring
Your countless dreams on earth

Dance, and laugh
Though the world is not like heaven
Give thanks to the Almighty
For the love that we have here
Forever

Count One to Ten, Will You?

2010-05-30T22:31:00.005+08:00

he secretly read my previous post just as it was published!

later that night, i took my leave at the end of a wedding. he made me wait elevator after elevator as there were four weddings held simultaneously in the building.

no big surprise that there was a long queue for parking payment....

once we were on the main road, he delayed me further with a slight traffic jam. and by the time i was on the highway, he made sure that Ancol was fully prepared for its night show.

i wasn't looking at my watch, maybe it was ten-ish, but just as i was passing Ancol, the fireworks began. and just as i passed Ancol, the fireworks ended also. i think it took about...

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten seconds?

he didn't delay me one second more, or less.

my heart melted at his sweet gesture, my assurance.

2010-05-29T19:09:00.000+08:00

another spasm... boo!

Paperman & Superpower

2010-05-04T20:57:00.005+08:00

i wrote this once upon a time when i was feeling down. writing is therapeutic not only because i get to see my thoughts on paper, but because i am always reminded on certain special words, and i like to write those special words with special powers on paper. i'm not telling you when i felt this way or what happened that made me feel this way. but i hope that you'll get a glimpse of Paperman's superpower and be uplifted like i was when you are not okay!

"O Lord, my LORD, my God! i lift up my eyes to the skies & Bogor mountains & the horizons. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Maker of the heavens and the earth.

Psalm 121
A song of Ascents

I lift up my eyes to the hills-
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip-
he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over you-
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
The sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all harm-
he will watch over your life;
The LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

THANK YOU LORD. Hugz. For Your comfort and assurance when my heart is aching. Your Word is a lamp unto my feet in bleak and dark lies that i hear in regular spasms. Your Word is a balm to my soul, to my heart that is very sore. Your Word is my sword of truth- to uncover subtle lies, not to fight them whose mouths are cursed; but to rebuke, to teach, to encourage, to love, to make light. Your Word is my stronghold, an evidence of Your promises to me- and You cannot steal them away from me- You cannot go back on Your words, and You must not, my LORD. for it is my inheritance. O Lord, You are God and i am man. who am i to demand what You can or cannot do? Your Word is delightful music and dance that uplifts and ascends.

Hugs. Love."

Remembering His Goodness

2010-04-24T19:31:00.009+08:00

i promised to write about this a while ago, but as usual, i procrastinate. procrastination makes me forget how i felt at that time, and it means my account will not do justice to the actual events that happened.

so instead of re-writing the account, i'm posting an email i wrote at a time when i still remembered what i promised to write...

11 April 2010

"dear sisters, how are all of you???? HUGS. i miss YOU!
heh it's been 2 months since i'm back... sometimes it feels like time passes by so slowly... but other times it feels like its super fast! heh...
i've started work for a week in XXX* international jakarta as a school counsellor. and i really thank God for His providence! a friend told me that XXX in jakarta is looking for teachers about 2 months ago, but i didnt apply since everyone at home tells me that it is super far from my home. but about 1 month ago, i went trekking with grace and jo (u girls know her?), and jo said she happens to know the principal of XXX and called him while we were in the car! and told him that i just came back from singapore n need to serve my bond to sgp and if he could help me get a job in his school... and so, i spoke to him for a while on the phone and he asked me to see him for an interview!

so while i had doubts in my heart about the distance and my parents' approval, i thought, hey let's just go and try since God opens the door. and hey! i got such a surprise when i went to the school....

first, the drive took only 25 minutes (which is considered near by jakarta's standard). there is no traffic jam at the timings where i am supposed to reach school and leave school. second, when i saw the principal, he immediately asked me if i wanted to be a counsellor instead of a teacher since i have a psych degree. of course i was more than happy to!!! because when i first came back, i actually asked my cousin, who's teaching in another international school, if they needed a counsellor. but they said no, and she told me that schools in jakarta still do not invest in having counsellors. so i kinda gave up that idea and prepared myself to teach instead... XXX do not have a counsellor position before, so i'll be the first, and i really thank God for creating the opportunity!

thirdly, the principal was willing to hire me from XXX Singapore HR department, so i am fully accountable to the singapore goverment for the bond. AND, guess what! when my dad came to fetch me in school after my interview, he walked around the school and was so happy with the environment that he laughed out loud, and told me that he is really happy that i'll be working there. and so... this is the first job that my parents have fully approved!! (previously, they don't like a job that was too far away, another job that require a 3-year bond or else there's penalty, and another company that was too unknown, and another job that requires me to stand under the sun since i had to go to different factories for some HR work)

so.... i really have to give thanks to God for knowing my desires and for the favour that He has given though i am so underserving! He is really our Provider. heh i've shared this with Y already so she's hearing it for a second time =P"

*i'm still undecided if i should openly blog about my workplace, heh so it shall remain XXX for now.

I think what struck is me is 1, how God honours my heart when He is pleased with what i desire- to be right before the Sgp goverment, to please and obey my parents, and to be passionate with my work. 2, God knows what we need and want even before we pray- even the nitty gritty details like workplace distance, traffic conditions, salary, etc etc etc, and He is working on what He thinks is best. 3, there are no mere coincidences. He will make everything beautiful in His time.

Extracted from my notebook:

8 Jan 2010, Fri
- call J
- inform KTB of new ccktb
- msg S for indo's correspondent
- apply as sch counselors to int schools

17 Jan 2010, Sun
- go P's house to pray?
- a cia's bday
- apply DBS (jobsdb), PSB, RIM Sgp Pte Ltd

23 Feb 2010, Tues
- 3.30 intvw DBS, lt 9.
- 5830XXXX J. Pak E. 2pm, Fri 5 Mar. call back to confirm schedule intvw.

16 Mar 2010, Tues
- pack at night
- print XXX' add n drxns
- ask E income tax, pay to?
- XXX: Tel 0218459XXXX, Jln BXXXX, KXXXXXXXXX, Jakarta XXXX.

17 Mar 2010, Wed
- intvw @ XXX 9am.
- look for books @ Kino
- get CD to save photos for J
- ask Y if there's any lobang

5 Apr 2010, Mon
- first day of work!
=)

2010-04-04T21:31:00.002+08:00

grown-ups don't skip and run around the streets anymore like they used to when they were young. they also don't believe in many things anymore because they feel that they hadn't known reality back then. but truly, that sort of reality is the biggest lie that trap many of us into thinking that only now and here matters. what others think matters. only i matter. that there are no absolutes. therefore no point in holding on to what you think is truth since there are no truths. it doesn't matter. only what society can approve of you matters here and now. practicality matters. and that's true you know, it is good to be practical. but this reality that is drawn only focuses on being practical on the short term- to be most efficient. it doesn't encourage us to be practical to find solutions in the long term, in the long long eternity. it says, only now and here matters. and that's the biggest lie skipping and running around the streets with a smirk on its face, triumphant of the title 'reality'.

I Can Almost See It

2010-03-08T12:31:00.003+08:00

brand new day... brand new week! and the Lord's mercies are new every morning. =)

do you watch this season's american idol? one of the girls who were voted out last week sang this song, and another guy, winner of x-factor sang it as well: The Climb. i like! =)

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"
Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking
But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

Do Not Be Terrified

2010-03-01T22:40:00.004+08:00

Of what?

There was a time when the people of Jerusalem went into exile.

And this is what God told them, "Build houses and settle down; plant gardens and eat what they produce. Marry and have sons and daughters; find wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage, so that they too may have sons and daughters. Increase in number there; do not decrease."

But the people were very reluctant to do so. They longed for their home. They were also hopeful that the exile was going to be quick and temporal. Even some of their prophets speculated that the exile was only for a short while.

So God said, "Do not let the prophets and diviners among you deceive you. Do not listen to the dreams you encourage them to have. They are prophesying lies to you in my name. I have not sent them. When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place."

Did you read that properly? God said the exile is going to be SEVENTY YEARS- not so quick and temporal at all. In 70 years, I'll be either 94 going to 95, or I'll be dead.

1. I am not undergoing exile. I am home.
2. but I am still unsure if I will adapt well in the long-term.
3. if God wants me to settle down here, i think i am okay.
4. i mean, i am okay and am prepared to stay here for two years.
5. i am kinda hoping that if i still cant adapt by two years, i'll still be able to go to sgp or something.
6. at the moment, the thought of not being able to adapt and having had to stay here for the next 70 years is definitely not okay.
7. let's not talk about 70 years. today, i just realised that the thought of not being able to adapt and having had to stay here for three years ( ie. one extra year instead of two) is somewhat discomforting.
8. a dear sister reminded me that everything happens in seasons. my season in singapore was 16 years, my season in canada was 4 months, our seasons on earth is on average about 80 years. so being in jkt with my family is only for a season- one day i might get married and not stay with the family, or something- and this season could be short, or it could be long, but i must treasure this time well, because it is only for a season.

i wish i can trust God with all my heart, my mind and my soul- that i can say with all of me that it is okay if God wants this particular season of mine to be 70 years, or three, or two.

24 minus 8 is 16

2010-02-24T22:13:00.005+08:00

My Dad
has been really sweet. He realised that i kept taking pictures of flowers, so he brought home some budding flowers and planted them himself this evening. Just the other day, he sewed back a rose pattern that fell off my shoe. on my first morning when i couldnt eat my breakfast, he kept encouraging me to eat whatever i usually eat in singapore so i can adjust better.

My Mom
is her usual self. On that same morning, she pointed at my top and said, "Do NOT. EVER. wear that t-shirt out again. EVER." then she brought me shopping and bought me so many clothes, which on one hand, i do not mind, but on the other hand, i find slightly extravagant. she also scrutinises my face like she's tyra banks in america's next top model, and so disapproves this and that. she's now planning to sign me up for some make up lesson. which is currently delayed cus i just did my lasik and i'm not supposed to put on eye make up. ha!

My Brother
is also in his usual self. He's been really nice to drive me everywhere- for interviews etc. and if you are a jakartian, you'll know that driving can be super tiring. and the best part is, he's been treating me to eat alot of good food! haha...

Coming back to indo so far feels like a holiday. Minus the i-really-miss-some-people and minus the i-fear-i-will-succumb-to-pressure portions.

"Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."
-Joshua 1:7-9

2010-02-11T14:22:00.001+08:00

the sun is my star, and i see it clearly! =)

Be on Your Way and

2010-02-02T01:22:00.003+08:00

Stop Crying Your Heart Out
- Oasis

Hold up
Hold on
Don't be scared
You'll never change what's been and gone

May your smile
Shine on
Don't be scared
Your destiny may keep you warm

Cos all of the stars are fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see them some day
Take what you need
and be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

Get up
Come on
Why're you scared (I'm not scared)
You'll never change what's been and gone

Cos all of the stars are fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see them some day
Take what you need
and be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

We're all of the stars
We're fading away
just try not to worry
You'll see us some day
Just take what you need
and be on your way
and
Stop crying your heart out

2010-01-15T22:05:00.002+08:00

is it better to love knowing that u'll be hurt, or to just close our eyes and sleep.

y is it that this is wrong, and that is right? who is it that determine that this is better than that which u desire? when does this start to matter when it never did? n how is that a part of our life?

it is difficult to be clothed with humility at 24. it is the age where time is her strength n everything else is her right.

2010-01-14T23:06:00.001+08:00

i miss my piano n i feel like swimming. i think i'm not breathing right. if i am, i think i'll be lighter somehow, and then i can float higher, n i can walk on the pool.

Twelfth Night of November

2009-11-12T23:11:00.004+08:00

one and a half months more.

i'm not sure what to think abt tt. but i feel sad today.

there's someone that is very dear to me but i feel that he or she has been emotionally needy nowadays. or maybe he's always been like that, but i've just noticed. i am upset at the words he utter- so often discomforting, not in a good way when someone tells you a truth that you hate but badly needed to hear. but more like when someone gets defensive by blaming others with false accusations and words of condemnation.

and yet i know i have not been good to him myself. didnt live up to certain expectations, and i forgot simple but important things- things that matter alot to him. and that itself is upsetting.

i'm also randomly upset about death.

the music at the background is telling me that He placed the stars in the sky and He knows them by name. i'm looking out of the window and i see no stars. but i remember that they're there whether i see them or not. just like the maker of them all who remains faithful forever. He's here no matter i see Him or not. and that's comforting. and that's another reason why i sleep peacefully at night, and more so on the twelfth night of november.

Yet

2009-07-31T22:15:00.001+08:00

Quite a single stalk
Rooted beneath uncertain soil
Its head has not fallen
Its beauty has not been destroyed

Its leaves are still
for such a time
Its wing stretches upwards, holding its breath.
It awaits for a wind's first whisper
And quietly swears to itself.
That it will wrestle

Till the wind catches and lifts it altogether.
Like a man walking on water,
It uproots itself
and is willed to fly.

None The Less

2009-03-16T23:06:00.007+08:00

Hi, your name is? =)

Today is the official opening of Paya Lebar Wellness Centre (PLWC)- that's where I'm working at the moment. I work with elderlies above 50, and my colleague is this lovely lady who has a big big heart. I also have other colleagues from Hougang Sheng Hong Family Service Centre (HSFSC), but we are located a few blocks away from each other- that's where I've started when I entered Society of Sheng Hong Welfare Services in January. I've just been transferred permanently to PLWC, and I miss them already. i'm in love with kind-hearted people who laugh sincerely.

I sign off as lince, which means lynx in spanish. if you'd google "cat and dog theology", you'd see an interesting analogy of christians as either cats or dogs, and their relationship with God as their master. cats are the self-centred, haughty ones. and lynx, being part of the cat family, is apt because i am distinctly one.

more accurately though, my name is Ellince. El means God in hebrews and unashamedly, apart from El, lince can do nothing.

Well, hi.

Not in order of importance:
you have much if you have:
a life, a job, a family, friends, money, health, happiness.
or if you have:
a life, a job, a family, friends, money and health.
or if you have:
a life, a job, a family, and friends.
or if you have:
a life, a job and a family.
or if you have:
a life and a job.
you will still have much if you have:
a life.

but knowing us, much is never enough. part of it is greed, but most of it is perfection-seeking. we yearn to be completed, satisfied- lacking nothing.

if what you have is only misery:
u are comfortably living below the absolute poverty line, your friends betrayed you, your family left you, your company cheated on you, and each ailing breath you take is physically agonising. you have nothing that the world yearns but a God who is still with you. i say that you lack nothing.

Today, i would like to boast that i have much and that i lack nothing. please remind me of this when i'm old and sickly and alone.

a.b.c.one.two.three

2009-03-01T23:08:00.004+08:00

i can't keep quiet.

i distrust my Lord.

He tells me i should eat it, one at a time.

but i decided to juice them. lemon, pineapple, almond nuts, sambal, yam, kueh bangkit and pear. and gulped them with coke.

terrible altogether.

and so i forced myself to puke. to rid. to purge. all of them all at once.

and i did.

but an aftertaste lingers.

Rain Will Come

2008-12-03T21:24:00.005+08:00

i've always wanted to name my baby girl Rayne if she's born on a rainy day- Ray- of hope, love, and all of God's goodness encompassed in the rain.
*that is IF, i'm ever going to have a baby girl, AND if, she's ever going to be born on a rainy day.

unchecked.

i've always been so certain about certain things. like writing. i've always loved to write since i was in secondary 2, and've always dreamt to be a writer of some sort after i graduate.

i have graduated. and i've applied to all the companies which i think'll give me tt opportunity. but i've either been rejected or ignored, or maybe i've just been ignorant in whom i shud apply to, and how i shud apply.

unchecked.

i've also always thought that i wanted to stay in singapore after i graduate, at least for a while. i HAVE stayed in singapore, for a while really- 3 months, since august this year.

at the start of nov, my parents asked me to come back to jkt if i still cannot find a job by the end of the month. so i started searching for jobs tts unrelated to writing. i went for a few interviews, and i got rejected.

then last wed my family finally asked me to come back to jkt on the weekend. they assured me it's not permanent, n that i can always look for a job in singapore via the internet. but i suspected my parents wanted me back at home more than just a little a while.

i was panicking (pls dun get me wrong, i dont hate coming back, and i do love to spend time wif my family), only because things are not going according to what i thought was certain.

tt evening, i went to my room and read Ezekiel 24:15-25.

ezekiel was told that the delight of his eyes was going to be taken away. and his wife died the next day.

she was a sign that the strongholds- in which you take pride, the delight of your eyes, the object of your affection, your joy and glory, your heart's desires, your sons and daughters- they will be taken away so you will know that God is God.

i understood then that God wanted to take away all my hearts' desires, my dreams and wants, my love, my all, so that I will know that God is God, and trust that God IS being God- my good God who knows abt every nano-inch of the world and about the unknown.

at 8pm, i got a phone call which offers me a job as a program coordinator in a family service centre (fsc). i accepted it immediately, and i called home.

checking.

today is 3rd of dec, and i'm back in jkt. i came back even though i accepted the job because 1, i already bought the ticket. 2, the fsc has not decided when i am to start.

i was supposed to come back on 29 nov last week n was supposed to go back to sgp today. but i didnt because the fsc remains undecided.

checking.

the point is, i'm not so certain abt many things now.

i wonder if i said yes too soon to the job offer. i wonder if i'll ever get a chance to write like how i imagined i would. i wonder if God's best plan for me is drawn in Indonesia or somewhere else. i wonder if i'll ever have a baby girl, and i wonder if my baby girl will be born on a rainy day.

checked.

i wonder if i'll ever find true love like those we watch on movies and fairy tales. not everyone do.

and as i wonder and ponder, i realised that i already found true love. and that true love is all around, displayed everywhere, n proclaimed every moment.

"If clouds are full of water,
they pour rain upon the earth.
Whether a tree falls to the south or to the north,
in the place where it falls, there will it lie."
- eccletiastes 11:3.

Love Them Like Jesus

2008-08-20T14:20:00.002+08:00

by Casting Crowns.

The love of her life is drifting away
They're losing the fight for another day
The life that she's known is falling apart
A fatherless home, a child's broken heart

You're holding her hand, you're straining for words
You trying to make - sense of it all
She's desperate for hope, darkness clouding her view
She's looking to you

Just love her like Jesus, carry her to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don't need the answers to all of life's questions
Just know that He loves her and stay by her side
Love her like Jesus
Love her like Jesus

The gifts lie in wait, in a room painted blue
Little blessing from Heaven would be there soon
Hope fades in the night, blue skies turn to gray
As the little one slips away

You're holding her hand, you're straining for words
You're trying to make sense of it all
They're desperate for hope, darkness clouding their view
They're looking to you

Just love them like Jesus, carry them to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don't need the answers to all of life's questions
Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus

Lord of all creation holds our lives in His hands
The God of all the nations holds our lives in His hands
The Rock of our salvation holds our lives in His hands
He cares for them just as He cares for you

So love them like Jesus, love them like Jesus
You don't need the answers to all of life's questions
Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus
Love them like Jesus

2008-06-08T23:13:00.003+08:00

i'm writing with such heavy hands. i'm guilty... of not writing about the many goodness of God, abt the lessons He taught me so graciously, for i am ashamed of my struggles, n i am ashamed of how i write. all the more i feel guilty because i care more abt me n my writing, than abt building a memorial for the most beautiful thing on earth, i chose to risk forgetting my Lord who has faithfully carried me through this season.

i need to click on 'publish post' now.

Himitsu

2008-02-20T10:13:00.002+08:00

- showing off the little jap tt i learnt in class. haha.

I'm too lazy to google and check its source, but this is definitely frm a song:

the secret of life is letting go
the secret of love is letting it show.

some secrets remain as secrets because we hide the truth.
others remain as secrets because we dont bother to find out.
some secrets become open secrets, but we remain oblivious.

life and love are not so shy.
the giver of them all are not so shy.

Public and Private

2008-01-18T00:31:00.000+08:00

Teach me, good Lord: Not to murmur at multitude of business or shortness of time. Not to magnify undertaken duties by seeming to suffer under them, but to treat all as liberties and gladnesses. Not to call attention to crowded work, or petty fatiques. Not to gather encouragement from appreciation by others, lest this should interfere with purity of motive. Not to seek praise, respect, gratitude, or regard from superiors or equals on account of age or past service. Not to let myself be placed in favourable contrast with another. We pray in Christ' name. Amen.

- Edward W. Benson

December Once More

2007-12-25T22:05:00.000+08:00

it's hard to type when my fingers are rusty.

hee.

first of all, merry christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

nope, no snow for me this year. my family and mel's went to bandung yesterday and it made me realise that i have not realised the beauty of my own home country.

if i understood correctly, we went there with at least two tasks at hand. one was to shop- that was done quite effortlessly as there're countless factory outlets besides our hotel. another was to watch the night scene of Bandung in an uphill restaurant called the "Valley"- that too, was quite easy with friendly locals giving us the right directions throughout our journey. the view we saw was enjoyable except for the slight rain which hindered us a little.

in accomplishing the two, we had to complete a third task during the two-day trip: driving between jakarta and bandung (if you are asking, no, i wasnt the one driving.)

this particular task, to my very delight, involved an unexpected scenic drive of terraced rice fields, coned straw hats, miniature creeks, tall lean trees with round almost balding crowns, harvested tea fields, short fat mountains with much taller but still fat mountains at the background. plus, blue blue sky on the first day; big big clouds on the second.

isnt it wonderful? all of them displaying and declaring His name aloud. i thought for that moment that what i was seeing is as good as snow. butttt...... i take that thought back. with all its novelty, snow is still on top on my favourite-things-list.

so that's my christmas. =)

in one psalm, david says, i love You O LORD, my strength.

i think i love God too.

just the other day, there was a star that came so close to earth, i stole it. because i knew that God knew, i reasoned that the star must have been there for me to take.

stars, by their very nature, are not meant to be kept. they are meant to be gifts. so i considered carefully and eagerly of whom i shall present the star to. but no matter how hard i thought, i could not find anyone suitable.

quite forlorn, i decided very reluctantly to put the star back into the heavens. i think i must have missed its position because it looked a little lopsided today. that made me feel worse.

i said sorry to God, and asked if i could present the star as a gift to God himself, but how could i? when the star belonged to God in the first place.

Meanwhile higher up, a sister of that star glowed and glowed, and glowed so much that it looked like it was about to burst. i couldnt help noticing her even while i was feeling so pitiful. without any warning, it did burst! i was so shocked to see it fall so gracefully afterwards, and God picked it up midair and presented it to a girl whom i do not know at this time but am sure to know and love in the New Land.

then it dawned upon me that stars are gifts because God first present it to their rightful owners to give it to another, in His time. If one day you ever watch a funny looking lopsided star falling, i hope you'll also get to see me receiving it with grace this time.

it's december once more!

there are many things to tell as usual, but time passes so quickly, and i'm slumbering my words. i went for a HongKong trip with partner, choon, ger, andy and darren early this month, and i cant wait to see all the photos! it was so fun, i'll have to show you the photos the next time round.

oh, and if you're wondering why i havent been online, my IBM laptop died on me during the sem. i was quoted almost $1400 for it so i delayed the repair and finally decided to get a new HP instead. it's still brand new considering i've only used it for a week before exams and it's now resting in singapore while i'm here.

and, i have moved. i'm now staying with three cousins, and telling you what kind of adjustment it means to have three adolescents at home will take another long long merry and not so merry post. when my aunt first decided to come and look for a place in sgp, one of the first things that cross my mind was the need to change for a blog address since i'm not going to stay on the eighth floor anymore. but as it is, my new home coincidentally turned out to be on the eight floor, so i'm still an eighthfloorgirl. ;)

good night, sleep tight, and chocolate dreams...

The Only Fount' I Know

2007-10-12T23:51:00.001+08:00

hands tremble from lack of oxygen
is there any one who is able to sit up, upright by himself?
and stand, withstand-
ing.

the Lord is my strength, and my saviour.
He never leaves me forsaken.
it's grace i'm breathing and love i'm living.

Oceans will part

2007-09-24T22:40:00.001+08:00

"as You open my eyes to the work of Your hand
my heart will find praise
and i'll delight in Your way"

Stealing Some Time

2007-05-23T15:09:00.000+08:00

week 3.
1/4 of my internship will be over by the end of this week.
fast right?

heh thanks for helping me find the car name in my previous post. actually that story only has 3 lines:
Line 1-> X spotted this car on Date X, time X, at place X.

Line 2-> X says " XXX ".

Line 3-> STOMP checked it out and this car is Name X.

and i had to spend one hour just to write that last line...........

i tried googling and all, but all cars look the same to me, and i couldnt decide which car looks like which. so i went msn and asked partner if she knows.... thank God. cus partner gave me a very good advice: "um, i think you should ask the guys."

yupz. so i did.

thanks wil for answering my email during work... thanks MY, norman, bear for helping... and thanks anonymous (ok, maybe you are a girl) for the website... =)

well, how has my intern been?
good and bad... like all things.

Good
because i am learning so many things.
i was asked to write 2 blog entries on my first day. that was easy cus i jus copy-n-paste from here... haha...
on my second day, they started to give me stories to write. if you check out Singapore Seen in http://www.stomp.com.sg/, that's where most of the stories are.

on the slowest day, i write 1 (that's today. that's y i can afford to blog now =P), on my busiest day i wrote 8. some stories are just a 3-liner like the car article. some stories are more interesting... like fire, etc.

my name's nowhere to be found, but i'm good with tt.
writing is fun stuff.

Not So Good
cus it's tough.
heh at least that's what i feel.
all the stories that i write go through the content producers, or what they call webknowledgists, and the editor.

on the first few days, when i see my stories online i feel so sim tia (heart pain). cus after they are filtered through the producers, the writings dun look like mine anymore... heh. but now i'm beginning to recognise familiar sentences.

they taught me how to write stories properly... there are rules i need to follow cus i cant write like i do here. i'm seriously learning everything from scratch. n that's good too. =)

Some Things I Learnt:
1. first line- always give the summary of the article.
2. don't use long words. keep it simple.
3. one paragraph can only have 2 lines.
4. 0-9 must be written in letters as "zero-nine". only write in numerics if it's more than ten.
5. diff producers look out for diff things. sometimes contradicting things. need to know who u are sending your stuffs to, then follow suit.
6. online dictionaries are extremely useful. my fav is www.thefreedictionary.com. i NEED to have a thesauraus.

Is there any more words you can add for each line?
1. inconsiderate, uncourteous, selfish, thoughtless,
2. shocked, stunned, filled with disbelief, struck dumbfounded, appalled, amazed

2007-05-09T16:40:00.000+08:00

hey wil... pls help... or anyone... it's a mitsuoka car... but i need to know the model... someone sent in a pic and said it looks like rolls royce...
thanks!!!

Centre of Dreams

2007-05-03T22:40:00.000+08:00

heehee.... so happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! cus... sph called today and said i got my internship! yAy!!! heh. =))the process of getting the intern is a blessing itself. some doors closed, some doors opened. it'll be another long post altogether. but thank God! heh...

initially wanted to apply for the prison service, cus i tot my degree would be useful in counselling. but my family was not too happy with it so i didnt send in the application. but i still feel that if God gave us 2nd chances to repent on our sins, the inmates should also be given 2nd chances. so if you are able and have the chance to work there, treasure the opportunity k! heh and all the best...

so anyways... v happy to get the intern... duno if i'll get to write my own stuffs... but even if pao kopi there i oso don't mind... as long as can learn smtgh there... haha... been saying i wanted to be a journalist since i was sec sch... n along these years sometimes i'd be unsure if writing is really what God wanted me to do... sometimes i'm even unsure if i shud continue writing on this blog.. haha... i know getting the intern now oso doesnt mean that that's the exact thing that God wants me to do in the future... but i am definitely excited about nxt week!

i mite have to work on some weekends, oh and i am thinkin of gg for tkd comp in aug, so need to start training again... i oso dun wan to neglect spending time wif pple i love... with so little time n so many things, i hope i'll be able to centre my focus on God to balance all these things that i want to do... jiayou lince!

Life, Prayers, and What Ifs

2007-04-28T23:59:00.000+08:00

when i first came to singapore, my brother and i stayed with a family who's said to be distant relatives. they turned out to be much more than formal guardians who signed my consent forms. i call them atio, akow, choon kiat koko, yeeleng cece, sokleng cece, and sebastian. when none of them was at home, akow's dad would come over and help to take care of us. i call him lauku.

lauku passed away on wed morning. i am not particularly close to him, and honestly, i haven't even seen him in years. but his news gave me flashbacks of the times where he'd wait for rv schoolbus with me in the voiddeck, and the times of eating cut watermelons in chinatown. i can still pretty much recall his house, and strangely, his voice.

i went to the wake 2 nights ago with mel and 2jie, and i seriously didn't know what was the appropriate thing to say. am i supposed to say"hey, it's okay..." or what? things are not okay.

but when the time comes, i didnt really have to think alot of what to do. they made it easy really. i was just quiet for awhile and, and sokleng cece looked at me and said "it's okay, just have to be strong." and atio akow were pretty candid, asking me the usual questions of hows school, hows papa mama, koko, etc. and they were open about how lauku's death came about, and were describing his last days- how he was unable to eat for many days, but when his favourite grandson came back from overseas, he could finish a $4 orh-luak by himself. choonkiat koko even joked that it's a fortunate thing that school term's over... because it meant that my prof will not need to see me anymore.

i can see that their eyes are red and tired. but noone was crying while i was there.

there's indeed a time to be born and a time to die. a time to mourn, and a time to laugh. there's also a time to pray.

i don't remember ever praying for lauku, and i know i don't have the chance to do that anymore. but i know i can still pray for laukim. i don't know how life will be like for her now that her husband is gone. last week she was robbed in the lift and her head was hurt while being pushed away. she neither want to stay with the children nor want a maid at home. i also don't know if she'll ever come to know God. i wouldnt know, but i should start praying.

there's a reason why the very people we meet are put into our lives. family, friends, girlfriend, boyfriend. enemies. let's pray for them, and for whoever is in our mind right now. there are 6 billion people in the world and we can't know and pray for them all. but we can pray for those few that we encounter each day. one day if we are able to do that, then we can go on to praying for people whom we don't know. praying does not guarantee salvation. God decides. but we are told to do our part to pray. and more than that, to act and live our prayers.

one more thing, we always assume that our grandparents will die before our parents. and that our parents will die before us. and we will die before our children. if you have never thought about this before, take afew minutes to think about, what if, just what if, you die tonight and find that there's more to life than what is here?

Revelation 21:4-5

2007-03-28T00:52:00.000+08:00

And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful.

1

2007-03-18T22:22:00.000+08:00

1-101
hey before we log in to blogger, we can check the box that says "remember me" so there's no need to type our password repeatedly rite... is yours working? i click on the box duno how many times already, and my dear blogger still dun want to remember me everytime i sign in...

1-102
the social science students got an email at the beginning of the year tt says: "free admission to national museum of singapore!"

*beams*

last fri, class ended one half hour early. so ash chris and i decided to cross the road frm our building to the museum.

At the front desk...
us: "hello, we are students from smu social science, can we go in straight?"
receptionist (after some time):" oh, the membership expire already. this month's fees havent pay."

ookie.

we ended up walking around the premises anyway, and checked out 2 open (= free) exhibitions. one of it was "Families and Friends- A Singapore Album exhibition", which showcases photographs to "tell the stories of Singaporeans from all walks of life"- quoted from National Museum's site. i like a few collections in particular because they tell stories that are personal and real. there's one really sweet and unique wedding album that's compiled and designed by the couple themselves. there's adrian pang's funny commentaries along with his photo collection. there're also photos of innocent little kids who dun pose in front of cameras. and of course, there're photos of guys in uniforms which caught my eyes... haha...

anyway, i'm really glad class was dismissed early. spending time with chrissy and ash was really fun... go check the museum out if u are interested. and guess wat, it turned out that there's free admission for everyone, weekdays lunch hour, from 12 to 2! (check the website, i'm not bluffing...)

Magic

2007-03-13T00:45:00.000+08:00

hello! i lost my match.
but i am ok. heh dont worry... =)

actually i am writing a few posts simultaneously, but this one should have been published last week. kinda overdue. so first things first... i havent give thanks to God for what He has done, and more importantly, for who He is.

usually in smu we'll follow the sch calendar and plan stuffs by the week. for eg, week 8 is break week, final exams is in week 15, etc. i'm going to describe week 9.

i had an assigment due on monday before 12 noon, but i was already prepared to hand it in on tues. on monday nite, the prof emailed and apologised that he did not go to the office that day. he told us to hand it in on tues after 12 instead.

on wed, i was reminded of Col 3:23 and wrote the previous post.

on thurs, i was reminded of Matt 11:28-30.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

this is the first year that i experience peace throughout ivp. in my first year, i remember being so kanchiong- my heart was beating v fast and i can feel my head spin. last yr i was so relieved after my match, i got fever the next day.

i just want to thank God for assuring me that His yoke is easy, and His burden is light. haha it took 3 years to learn that... =P

go to Him, all us who are weary and burdened. He will give us rest. Take His yoke instead. learn from Him. For He is gentle and humble in heart. and we will find rest for our souls. For His yoke is easy, and his burden is light.

on fri and sat, i can't remember how many times the 2 verses gave me strength, and from that strength, peace. it was certainly many many many times...
there's little burden to win the match, to live up to others' expectations, n no more fear of losing. just doing my best for the one, and to rest in one thought.

even after i lost, i din feel the same kind of sadness that i felt in the past. well... i still wake up a few mornings and automatically replay little snippets of the comp. i still think of the things that cud and shud have been done better if i cud turn back time. but the heart is calmed with peace.

are you worrying about anything? actually i am... haha. but let's not worry k! it's all under the control of a super zai God!

everything'll just fall into place...
like magic.

Living in the Audience of One

2007-02-28T00:49:00.000+08:00

you know what i fear most?

for the past 2 months, almost 3, i've been working for the comp. been eating less, jogging more, carrying my trainings to my dreams, etc.
i fear that all of that will be futile. wasted down the drain in a mere six minutes this sat.
and how painful that will be, knowing that noone who's watching knows of the effort that is past. worse, knowing that someone knows, and is going to see how i fail to perform.

sigh little pride.. go away.

yet i know... i know it in my head, and my heart is beginning to understand, that i am living in the audience of one.

the most important thing of this process is not on how i fare this saturday. it's how i have been faring. there's one faithful audience who have been training with me throughout, he has seen all my ups and downs, and he knows that i have done my best. and that's enough and pleasing to him.

of course i still want to win. haha...
but winning does not prove that i am a better person than the opponent. losing does not prove that i am worse. victory comes from the Lord, and He shall give it to whoever He wishes. meanwhile, i just want to continue doing my best for that faithful audience. till the end. =)

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men." -Col 3:23

A Few Things That Can Be Said

2007-02-24T22:39:00.001+08:00

i have this friend who's been married for about 15 years. he's very close to his family. so even after marriage, he'll visit home more than every once in a while.

he said that however, he'll not visit home if he had quarrelled with his wife that day. just because he knows that he'll complain about it to his family...

i feel like saying alot of things now. haha... but i shan't because i know i am not in the right mind. and heart.

james jus left this morning, choon is going off tmr morning. darren n andy left too, but coming back soon!

enjoyed and rested myself in indo for the past week. but break week is going to be over tmr. 2 assignments due. one more midterm paper. 12 poems to hand in. and......... tkd comp this sat.

God, You are still here right?
hUgz.

2007-02-24T21:47:00.000+08:00

james take care in canada k...
choon take care in aus too...

hUgz.

Do You Love Me Because I am Beautiful

2007-01-29T23:27:00.000+08:00

or Am I Beautiful Because You Love Me?

thanks chris for tt quote... i like... heh. in canada super seldom watch tv... come back here then realise that i really like to watch shows... now like the 9 oclock channel 8 show... and it's ending soon... also like to watch nice advertisements... i like the Dove's Campaign for Real Beauty.

can check out:
http://www.campaignforrealbeauty.ph/supports.asp?id=3181&length=short§ion=campaign

see the results? it's a study for asian women's attitudes. only abt 3% to 5% women think they are beautiful. so few... maybe the results are biased because of the way the survey and questions are phrased and done... since asians are generally more reserved, and will feel that it's bhb and wrong to answer the survey honestly and admit tt they think they are beautiful... haha see? my psych research classes got use one wor...
the other result that strike me is that, among the Most Satisfied Category, Singapore only score well in the "Financial Success"... but She never appear at all in the list for Most Satisfied in "Family Relations", "Romantic Relations", "Friends","Beauty", and "Health". Contrastingly, other countries are doing better at the rest of the categories, even though they are less satisfied with their financial success.

Here's the song that Dove uses in the advertisement.

Show me a smile then,
Don't be unhappy, can't remember
When I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

-Phil Collin's True Colours

2007-01-15T23:19:00.001+08:00

do you feel tired carrying me on your back?
i must be quite a pain... it must be super tiring especially when i struggle so much. just cant stop resisting and wanting to walk on my own. other times i fight so hard... just so that you'll carry me the other way.
i can imagine you sweating. struggling too. to keep me still. trying to reassure me. trying to reprimand. trying to tell me that everything is in control. everything's going to be okay.
it's so ironic. now that i'm feeling tired, now that i have no more energy to fight, i suddenly feel so sleepy.
and only now, i am finally willing to rest on your shoulders. i dont really care anymore where you are taking me.
when will you ever get tired of me?

Under Construction

2007-01-14T14:41:00.000+08:00

change happens as little and as much as time passes. it is slow and quick at the same time. i am anticipating some changes after the exchange- the major ones are yet to be discovered, but the little ones are quicker to surface.

Little ones like... developing and attaching feelings on the most unlikely thing.a street name. did you know that SMU is located at Victoria Street?

...feeling odd about the someone missing in the group, about the new yellow paint over the blue, or about a familiar person becoming unfamiliar.

...noticing things in a new light, and appreciating them doubly.
the wind feels good chilled and warm.
trees looks good bald and green.
sunset in Victoria is beautiful. ditto from an eighth floor.
heater and aircon are both ingenious inventions.
it's interesting how God fit our selves on earth. Canada has much space with few people, while Singapore has little space with many people.
singaporeans has singlish and finish sentences with a 'la'. canadians has like, like, well, it's like... they say alot of 'like', and like to end sentences with an 'eh', pronounced like an 'ei'.
etc.

i know it in my head that change is good, though most of the time i didnt feel like it. it forces me out of complacency and discover growth. i am also forced to learn of the one Constant who has always been there amidst both the pleasant and discomforting discoveries.

i'm back in singapore! and am still under His contruction...

2006-12-13T22:52:00.000+08:00

uh-oh. 4 more days.

To Be Able

2006-12-06T12:58:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I wish to speak and write well, but I can’t. Sometimes I wish to love right, but I can’t.
Sometimes I wish this and that, but still I can’t.
Do you see? If you are like me and you wish and you can’t, we can- with His strength.
Only with His strength we can.
To speak and write, and to be understood with our weak words. To act in perfect love. And to do this and that.

The Time Is Starting...

2006-12-03T02:20:00.000+08:00

yupz....

friends are starting to go back. and i mean going back for good.

i dont know when i am going to see them again. i dont know if i will get to see them again.

the worst thing is, i feel like i havent give them enough hugs today.

Cant Believe This is Happening

2006-11-27T10:37:00.000+08:00

look at this!

i thought this only happens in Enid Blyton's story books....... heh.

2006-11-26T13:23:00.000+08:00

o gosh... it was forecasted to be 3-10 cm, but now it's wayyy thicker than tt. victoria is looking like rockies all over......................

=)))))

christie, i am jumping ard and making snowballs and am going to make snowman later. hee. will take lotsa pics!!!!!! =)

2006-11-26T09:31:00.000+08:00

it's snowing in Victoria, right now right outside my house!!!!!!!!! yay!!!!!!! heh. victoria rarely had snow, and the last snow they had was i think 2 or 3 yrs ago. i am looking out of my window and they are just falling abundantly from the sky....

it'll be cold today. =)

Have You Heard of the band MercyMe?

2006-11-21T23:21:00.000+08:00

wil has the first 2 CDs, and the songs are good. i jus bought the latest one called "Coming Up to Breathe". havent really got the chance to listen to it, but i can already say that i like them more than before...

"I remember going swimming with my brother when I was a kid. We would always get into a major wrestling match in the water to see which one could take the other under. Even to this day, if we get into a pool together... LOOK OUT! Being five years younger, it seemed like I was always the one forced to see how long I could hold my breath underwater because he was so much stronger than me. Sometimes we would get carried away and my broher would hold me underwater for a little too long, and I would start to panic. I'll never forget that feeling of needing air, desperately reaching out for something to pull myself with. I may have only been under it for a few seconds, but when I surfaced, I gasped for air like it was the first time I had ever breathed. Looking back, all I can say is, nothing has changed. Even to this day, I still struggle with keeping my head above water. The circumstance may be a little different, but the urgency to breathe is very much the same.

These days the things that hold us down look different than my big brother in a swimming pool. For most of us, we carry the weight of wanting to live up to other people's expectations, and this can be a hard burden to bear. Sometimes we succeed and other times we fail, but the weight of expectations can hold any of us down and overwhelm us. This is just as true for people who make music and want to share it with the world.

For us in MercyMe, some days we feel the expectations of our families. Some days it is the expectations of our ministry or the music industry. Other days we wonder if a song we've written will be embraced by our listeners, or if people will want to come see one of our concerts. It is days like these when we sometimes forget God's expectations of us.

Thankfully, God's expectations are quite different than people's. God doesn't expect us to always please others. God doesn't expect us to write a hit song. God doesn't expect us to change hearts or save the world- that is His job. God simply asks us to be faithful and do the best with what He has given us. He desires us to simply reflect His goodness, His glory and His grace to the watching world. When we are able to stop and realize what God requires of us, all the weight of others' expectations seems to melt away.

What you hold in your hands is the result of MercyMe surfacing... surfacing from our concern for what others might think of us, and allowing ourselves to come up for air, catch our breath and breathe deep the grace and freedom of God.

The music and message of this album is all over the place and we love it! There are songs that go deeper than we have ever gone before, and there are songs that are as shallow as some of the swimming pools my brother and I wrestled in. And the good news is... it is OK! This is who we are, blemishes and all. Our prayer is that this project will somehow draw you closer to Christ, whether through an intimate time of worship, or through the joy of knowing it is OK to have fun. The bottom line is, it would do us all some good to find ourselves... Coming up to Breathe."

- Bart Millard, from MercyMe, on "Coming Up to Breathe".

Still I Notice You

2006-11-15T11:45:00.000+08:00

Every Season
by Nichole Nordeman

Every evening sky, an invitation
To trace the patterned stars
And early in July, a celebration
For freedom that is ours
And I notice You
In children’s games
In those who watch them from the shade
Every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder
You are summer

And even when the trees have just surrendered
To the harvest time
Forfeiting their leaves in late September
And sending us inside
Still I notice You when change begins
And I am braced for colder winds
I will offer thanks for what has been and was to come
You are autumn

And everything in time and under heaven
Finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation
Shivers underneath
And still I notice You
When branches crack
And in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death, You open doors for life to enter
You are winter

And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
What was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with You
And how You make me new
With every season’s change
And so it will be
As You are re-creating me
Summer, autumn, winter, spring

I saw my first snow

2006-11-14T18:09:00.000+08:00

and I am overwhelmed.

Went to Rocky Mountains for the past 4 days, and it was beEeaAAuuuUtifUl... we went to different mountains and lakes and little towns, and the combination was lovely! i was trying to read my notes for my coming exam (in 2 days), but i couldnt take my eyes off the window, so i just gave up reading altogether.

snow is amazing. i love rain, but snow is really something different. when i first see it fall, it was so quiet, i couldn't even hear a thing, and it just caught me by surprise. and when it first fall on me, it felt so dry and clean, i could just brush it off with my bare hands. we saw even more snow at the lakes and the higher altitudes. i could just pick up a handful of them and toss them back into the air, i could just eat it off the branches and taste the coldness!

snow is so soft and pure... and delicious.... and white. i was just telling ping that snow gave me the same feeling that old castles have... it's not fun like spring and summer like a princess, but more elegant like a Queen.

in every season there is a time, in every time His beauty is showcased. in the first morning i asked "God, show off your beauty k!" and He really didnt hold back at all.... thank You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =)

Hearing the First Rain of Autumn

2006-10-04T00:46:00.000+08:00

and much more...

God never leave me at any time. He teach me numerous lessons, as few or as many as He thinks is best, and at the times He thinks is best. He knows me better than myself, and He is teaching me to know Him- my God, my father, my friend, my lover, my romancer. He loves me like mad. and I am learning to love Him like mad.

First Post in Victoria

2006-08-23T14:32:00.000+08:00

i am in victoria!!!!!!!!!! heh. been here for a few days already, and i like what i see so far.
flowers along the streets... in pple's lawns... they are so bright and colourful! the air smells sweet... and the wind feels great. it gets chilly at night though, so i have to wear a sweater. the people are frenly in general, really helpful.. one of the things tt impress me the most is victoria's accessibility for the physically disabled. there is a club in campus called Access UVic. (uvic= university of victoria). and there's so much support going on for this cause!
in sgp i will see maybe 1 or 2 physically disabled pple in a few days. here, i get to see a few of them in 1 day. i wondered why there are more disabled pple here than in sgp at first. then i realised... maybe its not that we have less of them in sgp.. but maybe they jus dun go out as often on the streets bcus its so difficult to move ard for them. you know the stairs that we have to walk up each time we go up the bus? yupz.. here that stairs is moveable. so when there's anyone who's wheelbound coming up the bus, the driver will push a button which move the stairs, and beneath is a smooth platform for the wheels. great rite? =)

i am enjoying myself here. got my first hitch-ride.. i was jus putting out my hand for fun, and was so surprised that the guy actually stopped for us! heh. went around to so many different places to hunt for a house...n we finally found a place yesterday.

hey thanks for sending me to airport that day. i know you guys have to wake up super early, some of you have to go back to sch, and have to travel from east to west again. really appreciate it. =) i will try to post the pic we took that day, i am not sure how yet.. heh but i will find out somehow... christie yinghui ching elaine, so sad we couldnt meet up beforehand! the last day in sgp was pretty hectic with all the last min shopping and packing. =( take care okay? and i din get to meet up with so many others. you all take care too!

well... in the midst of all the fun.... i am homesick to be honest. =) there's no sense of familiarity here. i am still trying to get to know the other 2 gals frm smu.. the daily routine here is different, and i still haven find a comfort zone. i miss the people whom i can be comfortable with back at home. but i know i jus need more time to adjust. sometimes i feel lonely and foreign. but thank God God is with me. so i am not alone. =)

Why I Like Him and His Writings

2006-08-15T22:49:00.000+08:00

TO LUCY BARFIELD

My Dear Lucy,

I wrote this story for you, but when I began it I had not realized that girls grow quicker than books. As a result you are already too old for fairy tales, and by the time it is printed and bound you will be older still. But some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again. You can then take it down from some upper shelf, dust it, and tell me what you think of it. I shall probably be too deaf to hear, and too old to understand, a word you say, but I shall still be

your affectionate Godfather,
C. S. Lewis.

- C.S. Lewis on writing The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.

A Beautiful Moment

2006-08-11T23:09:00.000+08:00

i stood still in the crowd outside the stadium on wednesday, in awe of fireworks. it's so amazing how they can change into different colours in split seconds, and how each star that is shot can burst into a million other starlets into the sky. i love its every moment.

in my fascination, i exclaimed:"who invented fireworks? they are so smart!!!"
and while i was full of praise for the scientist or engineer of whoever that came up with this, He reminded of the wonders of the ultimate creator of all things. praise Him! =)

My Wandering Heart

2006-07-20T23:30:00.000+08:00

the heart is like a butterfly. she flutters from flower to flower in the court, trying to seduce the sweetness within. then finds herself sipped in the routine.
the heart is more foolish. the creature finds host in its Eden, unlike her who tries to satisfy her self elsewhere.

" O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be
Let Thy goodness like a fetter
Bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander Lord, i feel it
Prone to leave the God i love
Here's my heart, O take and seal it
Seal it for Thy courts above
Here's my heart, O take and seal it
Seal it for Thy courts above"

taken from Come Thou Fount Of Every Blessing,
words by Robert Robinson.

Before I Sleep

2006-07-17T22:21:00.000+08:00

yesterday pastor said that there are many careless words and emails that he wished he could take back.

me too.

sometimes i really wished that i can take back my words. esp those that are said when i was guarding my pride. or when i was too full of myself.

one reason why i haven blogged is cus the internet is really slow in indo and it will jus cut its connection whenever it pleases. so i was too impatient to write anything up here. the other reason is cus i jus din know what to write. or maybe i knew, but i was too lazy to proof-read them. it always takes time to decide whether each entry is okay. no point publishing things tt are not beneficial. but even those are fine. its still okay if words are not beneficial in any way, as long as it doesnt harm. the worst kind of words are when they harm. so be careful with them. i dun mean be careful when someone say harmful stuffs to you. i mean be careful not to say harmful stuffs to others.

k la.... so this post may not be beneficial to you. haha tts very fine. just hoping that it doesnt harm God in any way.

good nitez, slp tite........

o ya, i haven talked about my trip back in indo... it was really fun... =) and i had a really good time with my family... not just my immediate family, but my uncles aunts cousins etc. got to know things i never knew about them. when i thought i already know them so well!
hmmz i shant say how much weight i have gained. but just that i ate so much for each meal, that i still feel full even when its time for the next meal. but i still had to eat. so i ate while i was full, then i was super full by the end of it. so by the next next meal i am still full, but i still have to eat. and so on. so different from Gundap right.... yupz... food is really good in indo... but family is best! =)

good nite again..... chOc DrEamZ......... =)

10 Days 9 Nights

2006-06-03T23:58:00.000+08:00

Those 10 days only fill up 31 pages of my small little journal, but i hope it will bear more significance than mere papers flipped back and forth for reading pleasure.

Living Conditions
I was told that the place is called Ape, a part of Tanjung Gundap. The people live in wooden houses on the water shores. I can feel the tide beneath my bed at night (during the first night i mistook the sounds of the waves as someone washing clothes throughout the night), and heavy rain sounds like waterfall against the attap!

There is no aircon, no water heater, no laptop... there would be no electricity by now. it's on only from 6pm till 10pm, approximately 4 hours each day. At 6 when the generator starts to hum, those who have tv will turn them on and start to watch.. of all things... indian shows!! they love bollywood. in my house is posters of Jesus and the cross, and next to that are posters of bollywood actors and actresses.

Water is drawn from the well every morning, and dirt can still be seen in the water. so i try very hard to sift them when i bath... heh don't ask me how...

The food is good. spicy most of the time, and i loved most of it. Dishes will depend on their catch for that day. It was the first time i tried sea turtle!! i saw how it was slaughtered alive before my very eyes.... before it was served for my lunch and dinner.

I also get to travel to other islands by pompong... learnt how to row sampans, but my poor friend didnt want to sit in the same boat again after i tried rowing.

Oh and i just have to add that there's a cat in Gundap who's an exact copycat of garfield. fat... lazy... and so adorable!

The People
It is queer. Everyone was connected to everyone else. Father A is son of Mother B who is sister of Lady C who is cousin of Brother D who is stepbrother of Sister E who is daughter of Grandmother F and so on. And there's so much adoptions going on! A family can have more than 10 children, but extremely many did not survive various illnesses. So only a few are left in each family, and these are mixed with other children adopted from their sibling's or neigbour's.

Aside from this complication, the people there are really simple... and they are really kind.

The family who adopted me only had one bed at home which belongs to the son. but they gave it to me while i was there... yupz... imagine me on bed, and the rest of them sleeping on the floor.

The daughters cooked my meals, which usually means rice with a side dish. On the 3rd night, i realised one of the girls was eating rice only with sambal... i asked her why. she said there's not enough food, smiled and said its ok, and that it's normal. imagine again... her eating rice and sambal... whilst half an hour ago i just ate rice with a proper side dish. i didn't dare to eat much after that...

A New Song
In the mornings before lessons began, the children get to sing 10 songs of their choice. I love listening to them. They have such joyful voices!
We learnt alot of new songs from them... like "Aku Teko Kecil", "Aduh Aduh...", and such. i like the move-alongs!! =P

Here's my favourite:
"Kasih Yesus
indah indah o indah!
Kasih Yesus
indah indah o indah....

Lebih indah dari pelangi
Lebih indah dari bunga di taman
Lebih indah dari bintang di langit
O Yesus ku!"

His love is lovely. more lovely than the rainbows, than the flowers in the fields, and the stars in the sky, is He my Jesus! =)

A New Prayer
I love the children's prayers too. they pray like kids! so bold before God and before us. short and simple prayers uttered so well... i also want to pray like that! with sincerity and without pretense. without fear of barriers in indo language. =P

The Team
The team consists of 9 of us.

There's a girl who hates dogs, cats, and i think almost any animal. she also doesnt like to climb around the areas. yet she is willing to come.
There's another girl who loves kids. she has such an abundant lot of energy! she can just play with the kids for aaall daaay looong..............................................
There's a guy who's so skilled with photography. i fell in love with many of his pictures. he said something that reminded me that this is God's work, and not ours. to God be the glory, not us.
There's another guy who can really draw..... sing.... and do so many other things!
There are guitar players...
One guy uses magic tricks to share Christ! and oh he do indian dance too.
One guy was writing notes and rehearsing his speech so seriously...
Another guy tried to use less plates so that the lady won't need to wash so many of them, brings tissues around for us...

I am really encouraged by each one of them... i think i'm shortchanging them by describing them with one-liners. but i love their sincerity and willingness to serve. and i see facets of God in each one of them.... His love... His creativity... His beauty... providence... glory!

Thorns and Roses
Paul talked of a thorn in his flesh that doesnt go away. he cried and asked God to remove that thorn from him, but it wasnt removed. that thorn made him depend on God.

My friends had problems like sore throats, cough, diarrhea, etc... my thorn was itches. on the 1st or 2nd day, i was bitten by insects i think, i am not sure. but it hurt and swell for some time before it redden and itch like crazy. i couldn't rest at night because i kept waking up, and i was pretty worried that it'll affect my days ahead. so on the 3rd night i prayed that God'll remove them somehow... but if it's meant to be my thorn, and is meant to stay, pls help me to bear with it. He reminded me of His promise from 1 Cor 10:13, that "God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear." and I was really comforted knowing that He's going through this together with me. Jesus knows all sufferings, and so of course He knows what it's like to itch. heh. That night i slept well.

I was not bitten from that day onwards. So i only had to deal with the itches left by the previous bites. until....... day 9! i was bitten again on day 9. this time i had one swell that's right beneath my left foot. praise Him! because i only had 1 more night to go, and will be leaving in the morning in day 10. praise Him because i can't imagine how i can deal with those bites from day 3 to 8. i think i'll be irritable and impatient. and praise Him because i was made to depend on Him at this course....

Others
Before i left, i was told that i'll be so close to God during the trip, the real test comes when i am back in Singapore. Will i still depend on Him each day of my lives in every moment? On day -1, I wrote in my journal that i wasnt even sure if i'll be able to experience that closeness with God in the first place. thankfully, only by His grace, i was made to cling unto Him during the trip. i had no choice because i saw how faithful He is regardless of my weaknesses and inadequacies.

One of the aims of this trip was to witness and bless the people there, and share whatever we could share with them (because we have first been blessed so much!). i was counting down the days every morning every night like this:
"day 1. i have about a week here...
day 2. 7 more days...
day 5. only abt 4 nights and 4 days left Lord...
day 7. anymore chances in the next 2 or 3 days...
day 8. going back in 2 days...
day 9. last night here!"
heh. so when the day ends or starts i felt a sense of urgency because i knew i do not have much time there. we were focused and very clear, and thus each day was purposeful.

It's been a week since i came back. i've already lost the little tan i gained, gained the little weight i lost. the scars from the bites will take longer to heal, but i'm sure they will go off soon enough. i hope this trip will not be like that- a passing event, trifled and buried as a distant memory.

Let me learn to depend on Him every single moment here and everywhere... even admist my air con, lap top, warm clean water, food, and all my comforts. let me know and remember life's purpose each day... and live life. may all praise and glory be unto God!

"So whether you eat or frink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." 1 Cor 10:31.

Some Things

2006-05-12T01:19:00.000+08:00

One thing Not Nice:
i went for my first day of work near raffles place mrt. since it was my first day, i desperately needed to ask for directions. the first 2 persons i approached dismissed me with a sian hand wave even before i started speaking! and i deliberately chose those 2 because everyone else was walking past so quickly, while they were just standing around. i am not sure if they think i was trying to sell things or do some surveys, but i wasnt even holding anything! bleah.... i think people in orchard are friendlier...

i dont' like it when people are cold... is it just a part of urbanisation? i hope when i go to work next time i wouldnt change to be like that... but i think it's easy for anyone of us to fall into that trap amidst all the competition and chaos.... that trap of just caring about my own business, and not caring about anything or anyone else anymore...

One thing Nice:
i was at tiong bahru mrt this time. was going up the escalator when this boy rushed past. he looked about 9 years old. behind him was another lady who was trying to catch up. the boy was saying "bu yao, bu yao! bu yong jing!"/ "don't! don't need!". he was carrying loads of plastic bags. and the lady, which i presume is the mom, kept saying "hen zhong! tai zhong le! gei wo na, ah boy!"/ "its heavy! it's too heavy! let me carry them, ah boy!". and the boy jus kept running up, and the mom just kept running up too. while both kept repeating what they said.

heehe......what a considerate pair! the boy is so sweet!!! the mom is so thoughtful!!! both think of the other's needs first before their own's.... i like them!!!! haha..... it's really heartwarming to see that.... =)

Complete

2006-04-28T23:49:00.000+08:00

taken from Complete
by Parachute band.

"So I lift my eyes to You Lord
In Your strength will I break through Lord
Touch me now, let Your love fall down on me
I know Your love dispels all my fears

Through the storm I will hold on Lord
And by faith I will walk on Lord
Then I'll see beyond my calvary one day
And I will be complete in You"

some days i forget...
He completes me. =)

Child's Play

2006-04-25T23:30:00.000+08:00

shine or flicker above
the withering wick

below

is

where

the wind fickles as she likes.
she doesn't listen.

seasons may change
and fires die

but the wind pleases
till its time.

tickles and ticks
that child plays with tricks.

oh

it's not supposed to be so.

my dear

shine or flicker above
the withering wick

the wind says hello
shine like halo
as long as the former lives.

Summer's Rain

2006-04-23T22:29:00.000+08:00

i miss blogging!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
haha....
been itching to write much sooner, but i keep telling myself i SHALL NOT blog till exams are over. and the fact that you are reading something new means tt this is it. exams ARE over. phew... =)

one day after my last paper was the start of a wonderful 3-days retreat with some wonderful pple with one wonderful God.

three days after the last day i am sitting in front of my laptop once again typing at this very moment. wondering what else there is to be said and done. well there's much...
may i use this time wisely.

it's summer hols! =)

Israel is Shameless, So am I.

2006-04-01T18:37:00.000+08:00

"they say, 'if a man divorces his wife,
And she goes from him
And become another man's,
May he retun to her again?'
Would not that land be greatly polluted?
But you have played the harlot with so many lovers;
Yet return to Me," says the Lord.
-Jeremiah 3:1

i can't help but cry when i read this... i have played the harlot so many times.... been unfaithful so many times.... turned away so many times... yet He still waits for my return.

i am so ashamed at myself... but praise Him who is faithful.

Blessed

2006-03-26T15:27:00.000+08:00

hey james, thank you for blessing me and for just being there...
i think you were God-sent yesterday. =)

thank You Father for sending Your blessings through a brother! =)

Lince Laughed Today

2006-03-13T15:30:00.000+08:00

i take a walk today.
and He still walk besides me.
holds my hand.
refuses to let me go.

the wind breathes, sooths and
balms my heart.

the heat is a little discomforting, but its warmth
heals my soul.

i said, "i love the maker of it all!"
and He stopped walking.
laughed suddenly.
and guess what, i stop to laugh at myself too.

it's been a while... =)

Like Eating Lemon

2006-03-02T12:50:00.000+08:00

of the things i need to let go.
of the things i feel you need to let go.

Dear Girls, A Prayer.

2006-02-17T23:02:00.000+08:00

"Lord, I pray for a man, that will be a part of my life
A man that really loves You more than anything
A man that will take me in the second place of his heart
A man that lives not for himself but for You
Face and physical attraction aren’t important
The most important is I want a heart that really loves and has a thirst of You
and has a desire to be like Jesus

And he must know for whom and for what he lives, so his life isn't useless
Someone that has a wise heart, not only a smart brain
A man that not only loves me but also respects me,
A man that not only can adore me but can warn me when I'm wrong
A man that loves me not because of my beauty but of my heart
A man that can be my best friend in every time and situation
A man that makes me feel like a woman when I beside him

I'm not asking for a perfect man, but I ask for imperfect man
So I can make him perfect in Your eyes.
A man that needs my support for his strength
A man that needs my prayer for his life
A man that needs my smile to cover his sadness
A man that needs my love, so he could feel beloved
A man that needs me to make his life perfect

And I also ask ... make me a woman that can make him proud
Give me a heart that really loves You so I could love him with Your love,
not love him with only my love
Give me Your gentle spirit so my beauty didn't come from outside but came from You
Give me Your Hands that I always be able to pray for him
Give me Your eyes so I could see many good things in him and not only the bad one
Give me Your mouth that is filled with Your words of wisdom and encourage
So I could support him every day
Give me Your lips that I could smile at him every morning

And I want that when finally we met
Both of us could say
How great Thou Art that
You give me someone that can make my life so perfect
I know that You want we meet at the right time
And You will make everything beautiful in Your time
Amen. "

thanks kristia for the email! heh. duno who wrote it though...

erm i dun fully agree with one tiny part... about a man who needs me to make his life perfect, and about someone who can make my life perfect... it's both true and not true i think... ultimately, my life is perfect because of God. and his life should be too. =P
still.. i like the prayer... heh. happy belated valentine's!

1 Feb 2006

2006-02-02T00:16:00.000+08:00

Today is a bad day.
not exactly. hmm... how should i put it...
it's good initially, and it's good most of the time. but when there's that one moment that's bad, it spoils the whole day.

i think i'm too sensitive.

one hour ago i jus feel like running away. from that one thing that doesnt go my way...
i think we all do feel that way at one point of time or another, don't you? to just run and hide... if you never felt that way before, good for you.

then i thought, one bad thing out of many good is pretty okay actually. maybe because i have alot of good things already, so there need to be a balance or smtgh. we lose some, we gain some right? for eg. a gal who has pretty eyes may has stubby fingers. or like a guy who has career but has no family. or like a person who has good grades, but has no friends. or another who is rich, but has no purpose in life.

so maybe, since i'm happy with so many things already, it's right that i should be given some things that make me unhappy. maybe some Higher Being above (whoever you believe in), a Force, Fate, something beyond us has got everything planned, and has everything balanced out. like the wheel of fortune in Julius Caesar, or like karma where good and bad revolves ard depending on our deeds.

i believed in a lie for a moment.
the God i know is not like that. He doesnt bless me for one day, and curse me another. He doesnt have mood swings. yes, bad things do happen. but God does not give good things, so that He can give the bad things later. Neither does He give the bad, then leave the best for the last. He doesn't toy around with our lives. He is not playing a joke on us. He also does not give something, then take away another thing for a return. God does not calculate profits from us. He does not need to. Jesus certainly did not expect a return when He gave His life for us. what can we give in return anyway? our lives? it's nothing compared to His. He simply gives because He is good.

I felt sucky jus now. But I'm glad i felt that way. it led me to remember something that's so easily dismissed as passe- God is a good God (no matter how i feel).

There is None Like You

2006-01-30T22:01:00.000+08:00

taken from Michael W Smith's.

"i could search for all eternity long
and find
there is none like You."

*sigh... contented* =)

2006-01-23T11:53:00.000+08:00

rythm is good. it keeps you running
and running,
running and
running and
running and
running.
that's bad.

know when to stop.

Wind and Confusion

2006-01-16T19:16:00.000+08:00

there can be only 2 reasons if i take so long to blog...
1. There is nothing happening.
2. Too many things are happening.

I'm at option 2.
this draft consist of so many phrases accumulated for the past 2 months!

when alot of things happen... I sometimes think alot. And when I think alot, sometimes my thoughts are all condensed and they try to expand themselves. sometimes they pop, sometimes they brew. sometimes both happen at the same time. when that happens it gets tricky because i'm not sure if i should try to let these thoughts flow quickly in case i lose that train, or try to slow them down in case there're too many undeveloped ideas... what a pity if i were to merely pass them by!

so i'm going to cut and paste the rest of the phrases to a next draft. and i'll try to write more regularly... and hopefully be able to convey better the many wonderful things of one.

2006-01-01T13:28:00.000+08:00

hAppY cHRisTmAS.... and MeRrY nEW yeaR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

haha.... =)

Post-It

2005-11-13T23:11:00.000+08:00

Korean Taekwondo Spectacular last nite was well, spectacular. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else... they were so....... Z.A.I!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! haha. my heart was beating so fast.

SMU's peak period is here again. all schmates are in msn's busy mode... but it also means tt... there's only 3 more weeks to hols! =)

i need to learn more what it means to live is Christ. even if there's 3 a-thousand-words assignments, 3 presentations, 4 project papers, 4 finals. that's not what's bothering actually.

Thank God for Fleas, Mosquitoes and Bad Stuffs

2005-11-06T19:13:00.000+08:00

from RBC Ministries, October 2005 newsletter:

"In everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." -1 Thessalonians 5:18.

When Corrie Ten Boom was in a Nazi Concentration camp, her barrack was infested with fleas. One night when reading this passage, Corrie's sister exclaimed, "God wants us to thank Him for the fleas." Corrie said, "No way! I'm NOT going to thank God for these infernal fleas!"

Their nightly bible study had started to attract more women, and Corrie worried that they would get caught. At one point she asked, "Why don't the Nazis ever come to check on us?" "The Nasiz won't come near this place because of the fleas" was the answer. Then she exclaimed, "God, thank You for the fleas!"

Of Epiphanies

2005-10-28T23:53:00.000+08:00

20 years of life, learning, verses, and thoughts:

1. charm is deceptive, beauty is fleeting. A woman who fears the Lord deserves to be praised.

2. yet i am still vain.

3. guys have egos. but girls have pride.

4. i like crooked teeth. and no... i don't have them myself. pls don't wear braces.

5. i dun eat apple. or tofu. or spaghetti.

6. practise random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty.

7. if a girl falls for a guy, i really hope the guy catches her fall.

8. one of the worst feelings is to have pple whom u care to not care.

9. i take v long to reply sms and sometimes i dun even reply. i need to change.

10. do unto others what you want others to do unto you.

11. voices need to be heard.

12. dance like noone's watching. sing like noone's listening. love like you're not going to get hurt. live like there's no tomorrow.

13. the heart is deceitful. be careful. guard it for it is the wellspring of life.

14. i love to write.

15. i oscillate between pride and condemnation. both are one of my greatest struggles.

16. i am not better than you. neither am i worse than you. don't judge. don't self-condemn. we are equally loved, and equally worthy in His sight.

17. Thank God for that!

18. i love girls. girlfriends are one of the greatest gifts ever.

19. i need to have enough sleep.

20. i think it's relatively easy to not do bad things, but harder to do good.

21. likewise, it's relatively easy not to hate, but it's harder to love.

22. i mean love, as in not just those people that are lovable. but to love those that are not lovable in my sight.

23. love God, love others, love your neighbours, love your enemies. as yourself.

24. because He first loves us.

25. the rich and the poor has this in common. the Lord is the maker of them all.

26. likewise, take away "the rich " and "the poor". fill the blanks with you and someone else. try fitting it in with someone you don't like, despise or judge. try again with someone whom you envy. the sentence'll still work.

27. i am a christian who happens to be a student. not a student who happens to be a christian.

28. God listens.

29. our understanding is so limited. but His words and ways are higher than ours.

30. trust Him.

31. the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

32. ask yourself today if you bear His fruit.

33. i am a child and a sister.

34. i want to be a wife and a mother one day. if it's in His plan.

35. i expect alot from my family and friends. i don't know if tt's good or bad...

36. don't listen to sad songs when you are sad. it's not theraupatic. it just gives you an avenue to sink deeper.

37. i don't want to treasure things less just because i have more.

38. dun make promises which u can't keep.

39. even if you think you can, try not to.

40. talk less.

41. only 2 things will not perish. the souls of Man and His word. that's the things that matter... people and Him.

42. not money, not fame, not power. these will only leave us dissatisfied, and feeling empty.

43. there'll always ups and downs.

44. hold on to the promise of eternity. have hope. be patient. don't give up.

Thank You... again.

2005-10-25T18:46:00.000+08:00

we shudnt use certain words too often... lest we take it for granted. 1 of the phrases that i use most is... (ya ya a lot of pple commented before.... =P) "thank you"! haha... i really hope that i'm not overusing it to the extent that it dun mean anything to u anymore. it's just that i have no other words to say to express and appreciate people, and am at a loss to think of what's appropriate, enough, unlacking, better.

So there... thank you family, thank you friend, thank You God. =)

one of my greatest wish is to let all the blessings that you so freely give unto me, be freely passed on to you and others..... lince, pass it on!!! =)

Feet, Smells and Kisses

2005-10-12T23:33:00.000+08:00

i thought i wanted to kiss Your feet... You know? especially after reading about the woman who wiped your feet with her hair, with her tears, and kissed it! i'm so inspired to adore You like her. heh... hmmz... but then... what if Your feet smells? okay i am sorry... i don't mean to be rude or anything... but would i dare to kiss Your feet if it smells?

hmmz.... i always want to do this the first thing i see You nxt time... *HUGZ!*

i will really hug You like mad... but after i read abt that woman, i feel that she's so humble... only dare to kiss your feet... i'm so fussy in comparison.... feet still must smell nice.... and want to hug You somemore!

but before i can finish my thought, You already bent down and washed my feet....

how come God, You can humble yourself like that???? and love me like that...... i'm so silly to think abt smelly feet... i think in heaven everything will smell nice too.... and You are so pure... surely'll have a nice smell......

2005-09-30T11:41:00.000+08:00

i want to laugh and cry at the same time...

small girl BIG QUESTIONS

2005-09-25T16:39:00.000+08:00

my hands went cold for a while yesterday evening. the green man didn't know though. the red man pretends to know, stood still and mocked. i felt stupid. But after the green man flashed, that little stupidity gave me relief.

life's little ironies...

today restlessness resides a little more than usual. i get a little more emotional. i haven't seen so many people coming for service in a long time.... someone commented that it felt like christmas service. the rare scene of a full house. time seems not to notice though, service goes on as per normal, lunch, then home. and that was it. the last of CG/YF service.

yet this is not the last of us. nor the least.

for all my questions of life and whos and whys and hows and whats and whens and wheres, oh how He knows. and yes He knows. should i repeat that He knows? and i am saying it for the fourth time not for your emphasis, but for my benefit.
He knows.

small girls can only trust His answer. Even when she hears silence...

-----------------------------------------

"God is an awesome God
He reigns from heaven above
with wisdom, power and love
Our God is an awesome God"
Awesome God, by Rich Mullins

Luke 10:39-42

2005-09-16T23:57:00.000+08:00

She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!"

"Martha, Martha" the Lord answerd," you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."

Just a Note

2005-09-06T00:06:00.000+08:00

hey all.... heh have been neglecting this space for sometime...
was busy with work then, now busy with sch... lotsa things happen in 1 month, yet everything remains pretty much the same... there are ups... there are downs....
basically, i am well. =)

things i did:
went for Mahasiswa Indonesia Menuai (MIM) 2005 over a weekend. it's a youth missionary conference... made really nice friends... hope to see them again on 12sep! and i learnt much frm those 3 days... but i musnt jus be contented wif learning, must oso practise them! heh. so many things till i duno how to start and i dun even know if i shud pen them down here. but i guess it doesnt really matter.... what matters more is my actions... not mere words.

working was an experience... both good and bad... i got my first pay cheque! heehee... though its not much... but it's qte fun waiting for it... it's also interesting to work with different people and supervisors. colleages are nice fortunately... i work part-time with 3 other smu friends. plus 1 nus friend, plus 1 more friend frm outside. all nice people... =)

did other things here and there too.... but can't rem at this point of time.... heh... nxt time rem then blog...

school is starting to give lotsa readings and work... so i mus jiayou... heh. all of u in sch or working or in ns jiayou too k! take care till i see you....

When My Thoughts Trail

2005-09-05T23:35:00.000+08:00

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return.

That's the first line he typed in Moulin Rogue.
so queer.
when you love and that person seems not to care.
or when the wrong person seems to care.

do you really learn just to love? and all you do is hope to be loved in return.
do you really just learn to love?

love is an amazing verb. and like all other gestures, it takes practise to better itself.

it's great to love, and be loved in return.
it's greater to still love, when there is no return.
yet it's greatest to love, when there is not even an expectation of a return.

and i am so clearly ashamed and humbled by the speck of love that i boast so dearly, as i search for my dear returns.

My Dearest Confidant

2005-08-10T00:52:00.000+08:00

i wrote horrible stuffs. it was saved as a draft for abt a week, and nope, i am not going to publish it. in fact i just deleted it.

it's so easy to delete things and hide parts of your self in front of others. but God knows. He knows the exact letter i am going to hit, all the wrong spellings, deletings and retypings even before my fingers touch the pad.
and i am so thankful for that...
With Him i express freedom. to be just as i am. to say all the things that's in my mind. i don't feel paiseh with God... i am glad He knows all my thoughts, my bests and my worsts, and it shall remain a secret between Him and me. if any, oopz, typo there, i mean many. if many of my imperfections are revealed, let it be a testimony of His grace, forgiveness, mercy, and love.

"You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same
You are amazing God"

how can i refuse such a refuge?

Most Stayest

2005-07-25T21:50:00.000+08:00

O satisfaction
where have your eyes flee?
your hands they grope

Satisfaction cries
out
yet silenced
for your voice too left
beyond your fingers. right
and right and you kept right
O pride!
till you turn
and return to the blind, to the dumb.

O satisfaction
where have your eyes flee?
O soul's satisfaction
can you breathe within, down, up to the one who stays?

I Need Your Prayer! =P

2005-07-22T21:41:00.000+08:00

if all things happen for a reason, i believe this, too. though i know not why. yet.
i have no idea why that guy called, or what pleasure he gained from doing such things. i dun even know him. but it is maddening to know tt people uses good causes and abuses those. actually i was scared when i got the first call a few days ago. today i got the third. but i am not afraid anymore. if i really think abt it, there's nothing much he can do except to call and threaten. it'll be tough to get through the security guards and camera before he gets here. if ever someone is going to follow me or smtgh, i know i wun jus scream for help or cry. i'll run. if there's nowhere else to run i'll surely resist and fight back. hopefully i will never have to do that...
and i believe that guy needs help. pls help me pray for protection and pray for that person to repent and turn to God too...