Now and Then

15 Jan 2010

"is it better to love knowing that u'll be hurt, or to just close our eyes and sleep.

y is it that this is wrong, and that is right? who is it that determine that this is better than that which u desire? when does this start to matter when it never did? n how is that a part of our life?

it is difficult to be clothed with humility at 24. it is the age where time is her strength n everything else is her right."

22 Apr 2014

At 28, it's no more difficult to be clothed with humility- time is no more her strength n nothing is her right.

this is wrong and that is right, because that's what it has always been, and that's what everyone else has been saying. and they are the ones who determine that this is better than that.

this starts to matter now because fear is only becoming real, and that's a part of our life because fear comes with an aged, muddled eye.

but still, is it better to love knowing that u'll be hurt, or to just close our eyes and sleep?

His 40th Day

I was about to leave for the airport that December morning. A Kong was in a deep sleep and refused to open his eyes no matter how I called and squeezed his hand.

The caretaker said that I should just go and she'd tell him I said goodbye, 但是我不服气, A Kong 怎能不跟我说再见。And there was that lingering thought that anytime now, could be my last encounter with him.

My mom came to rush me to the car, and in the next few minutes, we managed to wake him and squeezed in a quick prayer, a kiss and a goodbye. And i thank God, because He knew me, and He knew i would be regretful otherwise.

A Kong is my last grandparent, and somehow, his funeral felt the most peaceful compared to my other grandparents'.

Maybe it's the white and yellow flowers that were strewn prettily on top of fresh soil; the rectangular piece of land looked like a mini summer garden, and it reminds me of weddings with flower girls and their petals.

Actually there were other moments when I thought the ritual was somehow like a wedding. Like seeing how almost everyone flew back home from different parts of the world, or like how the family trailed him down the church aisle, or like how there's so much white.

But one other reason that made everything felt so peaceful was the hope that he's gone to be with my grandma, and that there are better things ahead of them.

I suppose weddings are also like that- it's meant to be the beginning of better things ahead (of course you might totally disagree on that, since 1. if funerals are like -- > weddings, it means that 2. weddings are like--> funerals. ie, it's the end of you.)

And so, as the family prepares for his 40th-day service, i think of him in his younger days with my grandma, on a pretty garden full of flowers, where all his children are rounded together, and his grandchildren loud and running.

Song of Two O Fourteen

Glad that I live am I, that the sky is blue
Glad for the country lanes, and the fall of dew
After the sun the rain, after the rain the sun
This is the way of life, till the work be done
All that we need to do, be we low or high
is to see that we grow, nearer the sky

there is a wall built with wooden blocks. there in the middle, is a black glass that mirrors your reflection in black. if you would stand and look deep into yourself, its darkness is grave and one hand cannot seem to reach the sinking hand. but, if you would look at everything else, the tables and chairs, and the mirrored clock, you'll laugh at yourself, for you are but a shadow.

Not Knowing What To Do Next?

C.S. Lewis writes to his godchild on 3 April 1949:

"Remember that there are only three kinds of things anyone need ever do. (1) Things we ought to do (2) Things we've got to do (3) Things we like doing. I say this because some people seem to spend so much of their time doing things for none of the three reasons, things like reading books they don't like because other people read them. Things you ought to do are things like doing one's school work or being nice to people. Things one has got to do are things like dressing and undressing, or household shopping. Things one like doing- but of course I don't know what you like. Perhaps you'll write and tell me one day."

19.May.2013.

each morning i wake up feeling a little different. some days i'm happy, some days i'm not. some days i wake up with not a care in the world, some other days i wake up preoccupied with the most trivial yet the most grievous concern.

but each morning, one thing remains the same.

i need God- whether i'm happy or sad; and i need Him- whether i am light or heavy with burden.

some days i'm afraid that what i write will reveal too much about what i think. and if you know what i think, i'm afraid that you'll not like me very much. so i stopped writing altogether.

i choose you to like me please.

on those (many) silly days, one thing remains the same. my Faithful Lord does not leave me just because i'm ashamed of myself- or worse, ashamed of Him.

He chooses to remain here, with me.

Here With Me

- Mercy Me

I long for your embrace, every single day.

To meet you in this place, and see you face to face.

Will you show me?

Reveal Yourself to me.

Because of your mercy, 

I fall down on my knees.

And I can feel your presence here with me

Suddenly I'm lost within Your beauty

I'm caught up in the wonder of Your touch

Here in this moment, I surrender to Your love

You're everywhere I go,

I am not alone.

You call me as Your own,

To know You and be known.

You are holy,

and I fall down on my knees.

Not Apart, and I Thank You

John says,
Without you, I can do nothing.

Lea sings,
I can't win, I can't reign
I will never win this game
Without you, without you
I am lost, I am vain,
I will never be the same
Without you, without you
I won't run, I won't fly
I will never make it by
Without you, without you
I can't rest, I can't fight
All I need is you and I

And I quote,
You are the vine, I am the branches. Apart from you, I can do nothing.