Now and Then

15 Jan 2010

"is it better to love knowing that u'll be hurt, or to just close our eyes and sleep.

y is it that this is wrong, and that is right? who is it that determine that this is better than that which u desire? when does this start to matter when it never did? n how is that a part of our life?

it is difficult to be clothed with humility at 24. it is the age where time is her strength n everything else is her right."

22 Apr 2014

At 28, it's no more difficult to be clothed with humility- time is no more her strength n nothing is her right.

this is wrong and that is right, because that's what it has always been, and that's what everyone else has been saying. and they are the ones who determine that this is better than that.

this starts to matter now because fear is only becoming real, and that's a part of our life because fear comes with an aged, muddled eye.

but still, is it better to love knowing that u'll be hurt, or to just close our eyes and sleep?

His 40th Day

I was about to leave for the airport that December morning. A Kong was in a deep sleep and refused to open his eyes no matter how I called and squeezed his hand.

The caretaker said that I should just go and she'd tell him I said goodbye, 但是我不服气, A Kong 怎能不跟我说再见。And there was that lingering thought that anytime now, could be my last encounter with him.

My mom came to rush me to the car, and in the next few minutes, we managed to wake him and squeezed in a quick prayer, a kiss and a goodbye. And i thank God, because He knew me, and He knew i would be regretful otherwise.

A Kong is my last grandparent, and somehow, his funeral felt the most peaceful compared to my other grandparents'.

Maybe it's the white and yellow flowers that were strewn prettily on top of fresh soil; the rectangular piece of land looked like a mini summer garden, and it reminds me of weddings with flower girls and their petals.

Actually there were other moments when I thought the ritual was somehow like a wedding. Like seeing how almost everyone flew back home from different parts of the world, or like how the family trailed him down the church aisle, or like how there's so much white.

But one other reason that made everything felt so peaceful was the hope that he's gone to be with my grandma, and that there are better things ahead of them.

I suppose weddings are also like that- it's meant to be the beginning of better things ahead (of course you might totally disagree on that, since 1. if funerals are like -- > weddings, it means that 2. weddings are like--> funerals. ie, it's the end of you.)

And so, as the family prepares for his 40th-day service, i think of him in his younger days with my grandma, on a pretty garden full of flowers, where all his children are rounded together, and his grandchildren loud and running.

Song of Two O Fourteen

Glad that I live am I, that the sky is blue
Glad for the country lanes, and the fall of dew
After the sun the rain, after the rain the sun
This is the way of life, till the work be done
All that we need to do, be we low or high
is to see that we grow, nearer the sky

there is a wall built with wooden blocks. there in the middle, is a black glass that mirrors your reflection in black. if you would stand and look deep into yourself, its darkness is grave and one hand cannot seem to reach the sinking hand. but, if you would look at everything else, the tables and chairs, and the mirrored clock, you'll laugh at yourself, for you are but a shadow.

Not Knowing What To Do Next?

C.S. Lewis writes to his godchild on 3 April 1949:

"Remember that there are only three kinds of things anyone need ever do. (1) Things we ought to do (2) Things we've got to do (3) Things we like doing. I say this because some people seem to spend so much of their time doing things for none of the three reasons, things like reading books they don't like because other people read them. Things you ought to do are things like doing one's school work or being nice to people. Things one has got to do are things like dressing and undressing, or household shopping. Things one like doing- but of course I don't know what you like. Perhaps you'll write and tell me one day."

19.May.2013.

each morning i wake up feeling a little different. some days i'm happy, some days i'm not. some days i wake up with not a care in the world, some other days i wake up preoccupied with the most trivial yet the most grievous concern.

but each morning, one thing remains the same.

i need God- whether i'm happy or sad; and i need Him- whether i am light or heavy with burden.

some days i'm afraid that what i write will reveal too much about what i think. and if you know what i think, i'm afraid that you'll not like me very much. so i stopped writing altogether.

i choose you to like me please.

on those (many) silly days, one thing remains the same. my Faithful Lord does not leave me just because i'm ashamed of myself- or worse, ashamed of Him.

He chooses to remain here, with me.

Here With Me

- Mercy Me

I long for your embrace, every single day.

To meet you in this place, and see you face to face.

Will you show me?

Reveal Yourself to me.

Because of your mercy, 

I fall down on my knees.

And I can feel your presence here with me

Suddenly I'm lost within Your beauty

I'm caught up in the wonder of Your touch

Here in this moment, I surrender to Your love

You're everywhere I go,

I am not alone.

You call me as Your own,

To know You and be known.

You are holy,

and I fall down on my knees.

Not Apart, and I Thank You

John says,
Without you, I can do nothing.

Lea sings,
I can't win, I can't reign
I will never win this game
Without you, without you
I am lost, I am vain,
I will never be the same
Without you, without you
I won't run, I won't fly
I will never make it by
Without you, without you
I can't rest, I can't fight
All I need is you and I

And I quote,
You are the vine, I am the branches. Apart from you, I can do nothing.

He Gives His Beloved

"It is in vain that you to rise up early

and go late to rest, 

eating the bread of anxious toil;

for he gives to his beloved sleep."

- Psalm 127:2

The Sleep

- Elizabeth Barrett Browning

OF all the thoughts of God that are

Borne inward unto souls afar,

Along the Psalmist's music deep,

Now tell me if that any is,

For gift or grace, surpassing this--

'He giveth His beloved, sleep'!

What would we give to our beloved?

The hero's heart to be unmoved,

The poet's star-tuned harp, to sweep,

The patriot's voice, to teach and rouse,

The monarch's crown, to light the brows?

'He giveth His beloved sleep."

What do we give to our beloved?

A little faith all undisproved,

A little dust to overweep,

And bitter memories to make

The whole earth blasted for our sake.

He giveth His beloved sleep.

"Sleep soft, beloved!" we sometimes say,

But have no tune to charm away

Sad dreams that through the eyelids creep.

But never doleful dream again

Shall break the happy slumber when

He giveth His beloved sleep.

O earth, so full of dreary noises!

O men, with wailing in your voices!

O delved gold, the wailers heap!

O strife, O curse, that o'er it fall!
God strikes a silence through you all,

He giveth His beloved sleep.

His dews drop mutely on the hill;

His cloud above it saileth still,

Though on its slope men sow and reap.

More softly than the dew is shed,

Or cloud is floated overhead,

He giveth His beloved sleep.

Ay, men may wonder while they scan

A living, thinking, feeling man,

Confirmed in such a rest to keep;

But angels say, and through the word

I think their happy smile is heard--

'He giveth His beloved sleep."

For me, my heart that erst did go

Most like a tired child at a show,

That sees through tears the mummers leap

Would now its wearied vision close,

Would childlike on His love repose,

Who giveth His beloved sleep.

And, friends, dear friends, when it shall be

That this low breath is gone from me,

And round my bier ye come to weep,

Let one, most loving of you all,

Say, "Not a single tear must o'er her fall!

He giveth His beloved sleep."

Meant for the Christian Reader, I Think

grrrr. i have so much inertia to write. may the Lord move my hand.

the past 2 weeks have been incredible.

one. i visited singapore for a week- purely for holiday! and it was incredible to see so many precious friends.

two. it has also been incredibly... lonely.

wait, how is it possible that you feel lonely when you're with so many people? you ask.

back to one. i didn't feel lonely when i was WITH the people, but meeting up with so many people in such a short period of time makes being alone a lot worse afterwards.

two. i've always traveled to singapore for work, which means that i'll either be with a colleague, or a student, and/or there'll be a friend or a work-person who'll pick me up from the airport. this time however, i had no work purpose and no one was waiting for me at the arrival gate. 

you're such a baby! you can't even be alone for a while? you ask.

well, i cann... it's just that i'm not comfortable with it, that's all. so in my uncertainty when i touched down in singapore, i asked, "O God, what the hell am i doing?"

back to three. in my loneliness, i was incredibly desperate to talk to the Lord. and when there was no one else to talk to me, I had no one else to listen to, but Him.

Okay, here comes the important part that I want to record and share- what exactly did He say in the past 2 weeks?

ONE. He loves me so so much! :)

It's amazing what God will do for the sake of one person.

Last Thursday I was walking in Bencoolen, and I detoured to PSPC (a church i attended) on impulse. I was so disappointed to find that the sanctuary was locked and that everyone was out for lunch.

after reading all the noticeboards and exploring all four levels, i was very happy to see pastor darryl and peter back! somewhere along our conversation, i blurted that it's such a pity for the sanctuary to be locked- and pastor darryl was like, "oh, i can open it for you. just lock it back once you are done."

wait. what?

so yayness! he went back to his office and i enjoyed the sanctuary all to myself.

later on, as i shared with a friend how blessed I was to enjoy such a peaceful atmosphere and to talk to God so freely, she was like," you're so lucky! not many people get to be in the sanctuary because it's usually out of bounds, and it's locked up in case people misuse it."

Lucky indeed.

In Acts 8, the Lord loved an Ethiopian Eunuch so much that He instructed Phillip to leave his successful mega-ministry in Samaria, to go south instead, to the desert road, JUST SO that ONE person, the eunuch, can get some answers to the questions he was struggling to understand.

And I felt so touched that the Lord was prepared to open up the sanctuary just for one of me. As I stood on the isle, I remembered a dream that I had many years ago. I was a recent convert at that time, and my parents still did not allow me to go to church. So for a long time, I felt guilty for (falsely) believing that it is wrong not to go to church- however valid my reasons were.

so one night i had a dream. In it, i was pregnant- don't ask me who the father was haha... i can't remember and i think he was totally out of the picture. what mattered was, i was so pregnant with guilt for being an unwed mother. i was wandering on the streets and then somehow i was transported to a church and there were rows of foldable chairs. so i sat on one of them and waited for others to join me, but no one came. i was puzzled and wondered if the service will ever start, then the pastor began to preach even though he only had me as his one audience.

at that point, i started to weep because it was like God saying, "hey, I know that you can't go to church on sundays, but that's okay. I am God of all possibilities, and I can conduct a service just for you alone, even if it means I were to appear in your dream." I couldn't stop weeping out of relief and gratitude, i couldn't stop weeping even as i woke up and lay on my bed.

He loves this one daughter so so much.

TWO. I need to remember to love. because He first loved me.

I've been too task oriented. I keep praying for my parents' salvation and I get frustrated when they do not go to church with me. I accuse my mom of not keeping her promise to attend church if I return to Jakarta. 

But "getting them to go to church", and "getting them to be saved" have become a mere task, a goal on my To-Do List, which I'm waiting to be checked.

God says that I need to pray that I'll love them, that they'll know Him if I would just love them.

THREE. I need to read His Word again.

I haven't been doing my Quiet Time regularly for the past few months. I feel (so haughtily) that I've read the bible enough times, and as quoted from my diary, "What could be new?" in reading what i've repeatedly read.

Two days ago I learnt that unlike Charles Spurgeon, I lack faith that His Word could be so powerful that each time I read a same verse, it is possible to find a new perspective, a deeper meaning, or a timely reminder.

in my defense, i retorted in my diary, "I can't." I can't actually BE like Charles Spurgeon, even if I start reading His Word once more.

"Of course you can't," He says. "But I'll help you." So I've decided to read from Genesis and see what God can do to give me fresh understanding. I shall start T.O.D.A.Y.

"For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."
- Heb 4:12

On a side note. here are other brownie points for being alone in Jakarta in the past week.

i think i forgot to tell you that i was alone because my parents are happily cruising in Europe, my brother had to be out of town for a few days. and my maids were gone for their lebaran holiday. (i now have my bro and my maids back, phew!)

point 1. i get to water the garden! which creates the same sweet smell like an after-rain. LOVED it. plus there were butterflies and little birds in the garden- totally ignoring i was there.

point 2. jakarta's traffic was the quietest i ever experienced. plus cloudy skies- i feel like i'm back in US in autumn or something. parking in the open space of Lotte Mart makes me feel like i'm parking in Walmart haha...

point 3. i get to go to places which i've always wanted to go in a long time. :)

back to work tomorrow.

oyasuminasai! :)

I like the devotion message that was said the other morning.

"I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope."

-Psalm 130:5

:)

Sincerity

Everyone keeps talking about different methods on how to live and how to gain. How to be successful and how not to lose. People gossip about so-and-so, and how great his schemes were, that earned his lifelong gain. he's a great example- and we should all follow. oh, and so were hers- and we should also follow.

At the end of the day, I think I'd appreciate it if everyone can just practise sincerity in all that is said and done. yes that means we'll lose certain things like pride, and glamour.

but do you see that an unpretentious child is unafraid to get hurt as he explores the world? and because he's unafraid to lose whatever that makes him secure, he finds delight and a sense of wonder in discovering.

i think we all need to loosen up and enjoy being a total messed-up in front of other people. i think it'll be delightful and we'll discover wonders.

"The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want."

the world is full of pretty things, and it makes me happy.

my school contract is ending this september, and i'll have to decide by june if i were to stay. people have started to ask what my answer would be, and i've been saying i don't know, which is truly what i feel.

different people have different opinions on whether i should stay or go, and i'm asking the Lord to show me the signs.

this may sound silly to you, but the lalang and bamboo along the narrow street outside school seemed to beckon me each morning on my way in. my two favourite grass in the world- and they choose to lie prettily where i pass, it's like a sweet morning hello from the Lord. the sun lit them so perfectly at the morning angle that i cannot help but look.

that makes me happy, and i wonder if they beckon me to stay.

This Cat Fight

i hate the temptress. i wish i could fight her in a match, so i stand a chance in fair play.
but fair is not her game, and i hate her all the more.

i hate it that the whole world believes in her. there is no good thing in her. why, why, do you believe in her? i implore you, will you stop?

i love you, and you love me too. you love me more than i love you too. but why, do you believe in her lies?

there is something wrong with me, she says. i'm not dressed up enough, made up enough. not beautiful enough. i know that that's a lie- but why do you choose to believe in her, and not i?

there must, be something wrong with me, you say. i'm too proud, too principled, inflexible. too idealistic, too stubborn. i love to argue. and that's the reason why no one likes me.

a girl's value diminishes with her age, you say. a girl's happiness depends on who she marry. she tries to say the same thing to me. and i suppose you first heard this idea from her.

more than once, when she was negligent, he took the chance to tell me over and over about the truth in value. that we are valuable simply because we are beautifully and wonderfully made; that our worth does not increase because of what we have: our contributions, abilities, specialties, achievements, power, wealth, appearance, youth, or marriage. neither will it diminish because of what we don't have: our lack of contribution, our disabilities, failures, shame, poverty, outward flaws, age, or single-hood. it is a value that refuses to change no matter.

but you waved your hand off, and said,"why can't you just be more like me?"

i keep reminding myself that this is a battle between me and her. but why has it so often become a battle between us?

and so i hate her her all the more.

He Replied:

"In quietness and trust, is your strength."

-Isaiah 30:15

O Lord, i'm tired. i always feel like throwing up when that happens. literally. especially after hearing hours of accusations and insults, which were sincerely spurred out of love, and attempts of encouragement. i want to run away and have some peace and quiet. i want to go home and sleep in Your arms. how long will i be stuck in this car, this cycle?

thistles are rising from the ground, and i'm afraid it's slowing creeping into my ears, into my body. i'm afraid that their fears are drummed to become my fears; their concerns, mine.

"Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants."

- Matt 13:7

O Lord, i ask for strength, so I can stand firm, and continue to breathe.

Counting The Distance

If two lovers were cursed to turn their backs on each other forever, by sheer determination, they'd each have to endeavour half of 40,075 kilometres around the earth to see each other face to face.

And if Hou Yi was to join the Apollo missions, he would have travelled 406,700 kilometres to the moon to see Chang 'e.

I like the fact that the greatest distance we know are measured in light years; one light year is equivalent to approximately 10 trillion kilometres. I like it because 'years' reminds me that even though the standard unit of length may be in metres, distance is actually more relevant to us if measured in time.

Assume that the two cursed lovers had no other vehicles but to run across the globe. If they were given superhuman stamina (ie. they need no rest) and ran like an average marathon runner, the man would take 89.5 days to run half the earth's circumference, while the woman would take 102.7 days. If they each had a car and drove an average of 100 km/h, with no rest, they'd only take 8.5 days to meet midpoint on the other side of earth.

Hence, it is more relevant to say that their distance was 8.5 days apart, or 100 days apart; rather than 40,000 kilometres apart.

If another pair of lovers were to stand at an arm's length- a comfortable distance where their hands are intertwined, I'd say that they are zero seconds apart from each other. But if one of their love had gone cold beneath that facade, their distance would feel further than the largest physical distance conceivable.

The largest conceivable distance of any sort, I think, is death.

I don't mean the distance between one who's living and one who's dead; I mean death, that brings about the distance between heaven and hell.

If I were a cursed lover with my back stiffly turned, I am hopeful that I can cross half the earth in time to come. If I were holding a hand whose favour upon me is no more, I can remain hopeful for reconciliation in time to come. Even if a loved one were to die, I bear the hope that I'll see that person after life- which would not pose a problem if we are both in heaven, or in hell I guess.

The most dreadful distance, and most terrible, therefore, is when two persons are placed separately in heaven and in hell, beyond light years, and in all eternity.

Happy New Year 2012! =D

Come mid-february, i'll officially be back for t.w.o. years! :) time flies.

the Lord has brought me lower from the eighth floor so that I'll be more grounded, and so i can smell the after-rain better.

i haven't thought of any new year resolutions, and i'm not sure if i'm making any. but i'd like to share some little notes that were saved but went unpublished throughout 2011.

1. When My Wisdom Tooth Grew

"God, can we please have mashed potatoes in school today? Chewing is terrible." and voila. mashed potatoes it is! served that very day. i think the last time i saw mashed potatoes in the canteen was a year before that.

2. When I Drive

I hate driving to get myself fined. But I love driving to suddenly catch streams of brown leaves fall quietly like in the movies, right in front of my windshield.

3. When I Sing

In 2010, I took a whole year to read Jeremiah, the weeping prophet. when i finished that, i thought that the time of weeping for me is over. and hence it is time to sing. and i started reading psalms. that's why you'd notice that most of the blog posts in 2011 are in songs. but it turned out that i didn't stop weeping that year.

and that's okay.

Be patient, He says, the time of no death, mourning, crying or pain is yet to come.

4. When I'm Dissatisfied

"If I find myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."

- CS Lewis

5. When Tiles Are Smooth

She told me to be careful when I walk because the tiles are too smooth.

TOO smooth? and you'd think that smooth is good. smooth sailing is very good. but too-smooth makes us fall. Better that the tiles are rough. we will have a firmer walk in life with rough patches.

6. When Shopping Pales In Comparison

A friend once asked if she could visit my hometown.

Sure, I said, but there's nothing there.

That's not true! She said. There are people there. And people are the most important.

Hence, I've decided that the next time I travel, it shouldn't be for shopping madness. but to enjoy the Lord's creation, and most importantly, to meet the people.

7. When I'm Blessed

The Lord pampers me, I know. He pampers me with mashed potatoes and falling leaves; with a family that loves me, and with friends who are like-minded. But His pampering is most obvious when He brought me to Singapore just to show me who He is. And now that I've known, He brought me back so I can show others here.

"The God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

- Romans 15:13

"Blessed is the people whose God is the LORD."

- Psalm 144: 15b

i haven't thought of any new year resolutions, and I'm not sure if i'm making any. but i think i'd like to continue singing.

"I belong to you. This is my call, to sing melodies of You, and I can do nothing else."

- Sixpence None The Richer

"There is no one else for me. None but Jesus. Crucified to set me free. Now I live to bring Him praise. When You call, help me not to delay. This, my song through all my days."

- Hillsong United

Blessing in Disguise

I love the smell of an after-rain. :)

If you're like me and is curious to know how that smell is produced, here's an answer from HowStuffWorks:

"As it turns out, the smells people associate with rainstorms can be caused by a number of things. One of the more pleasant rain smells, the one we often notice in the woods, is actually caused by bacteria! Actinomycetes, a type of filamentous bacteria, grow in soil when conditions are damp and warm. When the soil dries out, the bacteria produces spores in the soil. The wetness and force of rainfall kick these tiny spores up into the air where moisture after a rain acts as an aerosol (just like an aerosol air freshener). The moist air easily carries the spores to us so we breathe them in. These spores have a distinctive, earthy smell we often associate with the rainfall. The bacteria is extremely common and can be found in areas all over the world, which accounts for the universality of this sweet "after-the-rain" smell. Since the bacteria thrives in moist soil but releases the spores once the soil dries out, the smell is most acute after a rain that follows a dry spell, although you'll notice it to some degree after most rainstorms."

The wetness. and force. of rainfall kick! these tiny spores up into the air.

How apt. Just like how we need to be kicked hard and cold so that we can bounce right up and high.

The smell is most acute after a rain that follows a dry spell.

And how we shall bounce most high after a long period of drought, of lacking, nothingness. senselessness.

"What if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise"

- Blessings, Laura Story

On Hope

that child told me to hope for the best.

but he told not to keep my hopes up. it's a game, he says. the higher my hopes, the greater my disappointment. it's therefore better to play it cool.

today i feel stupid for believing that guy. disappointment wounds the heart bad. but to hope less kills the heart slowly. and if i one day reach hopelessness, then i will surely die.

our hearts yearn for hope. don't suppress it. fill it all in. and it will overflow- with life.

expect the worst. hope for the best.