Life, Prayers, and What Ifs

when i first came to singapore, my brother and i stayed with a family who's said to be distant relatives. they turned out to be much more than formal guardians who signed my consent forms. i call them atio, akow, choon kiat koko, yeeleng cece, sokleng cece, and sebastian. when none of them was at home, akow's dad would come over and help to take care of us. i call him lauku.

lauku passed away on wed morning. i am not particularly close to him, and honestly, i haven't even seen him in years. but his news gave me flashbacks of the times where he'd wait for rv schoolbus with me in the voiddeck, and the times of eating cut watermelons in chinatown. i can still pretty much recall his house, and strangely, his voice.

i went to the wake 2 nights ago with mel and 2jie, and i seriously didn't know what was the appropriate thing to say. am i supposed to say"hey, it's okay..." or what? things are not okay.

but when the time comes, i didnt really have to think alot of what to do. they made it easy really. i was just quiet for awhile and, and sokleng cece looked at me and said "it's okay, just have to be strong." and atio akow were pretty candid, asking me the usual questions of hows school, hows papa mama, koko, etc. and they were open about how lauku's death came about, and were describing his last days- how he was unable to eat for many days, but when his favourite grandson came back from overseas, he could finish a $4 orh-luak by himself. choonkiat koko even joked that it's a fortunate thing that school term's over... because it meant that my prof will not need to see me anymore.

i can see that their eyes are red and tired. but noone was crying while i was there.

there's indeed a time to be born and a time to die. a time to mourn, and a time to laugh. there's also a time to pray.

i don't remember ever praying for lauku, and i know i don't have the chance to do that anymore. but i know i can still pray for laukim. i don't know how life will be like for her now that her husband is gone. last week she was robbed in the lift and her head was hurt while being pushed away. she neither want to stay with the children nor want a maid at home. i also don't know if she'll ever come to know God. i wouldnt know, but i should start praying.

there's a reason why the very people we meet are put into our lives. family, friends, girlfriend, boyfriend. enemies. let's pray for them, and for whoever is in our mind right now. there are 6 billion people in the world and we can't know and pray for them all. but we can pray for those few that we encounter each day. one day if we are able to do that, then we can go on to praying for people whom we don't know. praying does not guarantee salvation. God decides. but we are told to do our part to pray. and more than that, to act and live our prayers.

one more thing, we always assume that our grandparents will die before our parents. and that our parents will die before us. and we will die before our children. if you have never thought about this before, take afew minutes to think about, what if, just what if, you die tonight and find that there's more to life than what is here?

Revelation 21:4-5

And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful.

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hey before we log in to blogger, we can check the box that says "remember me" so there's no need to type our password repeatedly rite... is yours working? i click on the box duno how many times already, and my dear blogger still dun want to remember me everytime i sign in...

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the social science students got an email at the beginning of the year tt says: "free admission to national museum of singapore!"

*beams*

last fri, class ended one half hour early. so ash chris and i decided to cross the road frm our building to the museum.

At the front desk...
us: "hello, we are students from smu social science, can we go in straight?"
receptionist (after some time):" oh, the membership expire already. this month's fees havent pay."

ookie.

we ended up walking around the premises anyway, and checked out 2 open (= free) exhibitions. one of it was "Families and Friends- A Singapore Album exhibition", which showcases photographs to "tell the stories of Singaporeans from all walks of life"- quoted from National Museum's site. i like a few collections in particular because they tell stories that are personal and real. there's one really sweet and unique wedding album that's compiled and designed by the couple themselves. there's adrian pang's funny commentaries along with his photo collection. there're also photos of innocent little kids who dun pose in front of cameras. and of course, there're photos of guys in uniforms which caught my eyes... haha...

anyway, i'm really glad class was dismissed early. spending time with chrissy and ash was really fun... go check the museum out if u are interested. and guess wat, it turned out that there's free admission for everyone, weekdays lunch hour, from 12 to 2! (check the website, i'm not bluffing...)

Magic

hello! i lost my match.
but i am ok. heh dont worry... =)

actually i am writing a few posts simultaneously, but this one should have been published last week. kinda overdue. so first things first... i havent give thanks to God for what He has done, and more importantly, for who He is.

usually in smu we'll follow the sch calendar and plan stuffs by the week. for eg, week 8 is break week, final exams is in week 15, etc. i'm going to describe week 9.

i had an assigment due on monday before 12 noon, but i was already prepared to hand it in on tues. on monday nite, the prof emailed and apologised that he did not go to the office that day. he told us to hand it in on tues after 12 instead.

on wed, i was reminded of Col 3:23 and wrote the previous post.

on thurs, i was reminded of Matt 11:28-30.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

this is the first year that i experience peace throughout ivp. in my first year, i remember being so kanchiong- my heart was beating v fast and i can feel my head spin. last yr i was so relieved after my match, i got fever the next day.

i just want to thank God for assuring me that His yoke is easy, and His burden is light. haha it took 3 years to learn that... =P

go to Him, all us who are weary and burdened. He will give us rest. Take His yoke instead. learn from Him. For He is gentle and humble in heart. and we will find rest for our souls. For His yoke is easy, and his burden is light.

on fri and sat, i can't remember how many times the 2 verses gave me strength, and from that strength, peace. it was certainly many many many times...
there's little burden to win the match, to live up to others' expectations, n no more fear of losing. just doing my best for the one, and to rest in one thought.

even after i lost, i din feel the same kind of sadness that i felt in the past. well... i still wake up a few mornings and automatically replay little snippets of the comp. i still think of the things that cud and shud have been done better if i cud turn back time. but the heart is calmed with peace.

are you worrying about anything? actually i am... haha. but let's not worry k! it's all under the control of a super zai God!

everything'll just fall into place...
like magic.

Living in the Audience of One

you know what i fear most?

for the past 2 months, almost 3, i've been working for the comp. been eating less, jogging more, carrying my trainings to my dreams, etc.
i fear that all of that will be futile. wasted down the drain in a mere six minutes this sat.
and how painful that will be, knowing that noone who's watching knows of the effort that is past. worse, knowing that someone knows, and is going to see how i fail to perform.

sigh little pride.. go away.

yet i know... i know it in my head, and my heart is beginning to understand, that i am living in the audience of one.

the most important thing of this process is not on how i fare this saturday. it's how i have been faring. there's one faithful audience who have been training with me throughout, he has seen all my ups and downs, and he knows that i have done my best. and that's enough and pleasing to him.

of course i still want to win. haha...
but winning does not prove that i am a better person than the opponent. losing does not prove that i am worse. victory comes from the Lord, and He shall give it to whoever He wishes. meanwhile, i just want to continue doing my best for that faithful audience. till the end. =)

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men." -Col 3:23

A Few Things That Can Be Said

i have this friend who's been married for about 15 years. he's very close to his family. so even after marriage, he'll visit home more than every once in a while.

he said that however, he'll not visit home if he had quarrelled with his wife that day. just because he knows that he'll complain about it to his family...

i feel like saying alot of things now. haha... but i shan't because i know i am not in the right mind. and heart.

james jus left this morning, choon is going off tmr morning. darren n andy left too, but coming back soon!

enjoyed and rested myself in indo for the past week. but break week is going to be over tmr. 2 assignments due. one more midterm paper. 12 poems to hand in. and......... tkd comp this sat.

God, You are still here right?
hUgz.

james take care in canada k...
choon take care in aus too...

hUgz.

Do You Love Me Because I am Beautiful

or Am I Beautiful Because You Love Me?

thanks chris for tt quote... i like... heh. in canada super seldom watch tv... come back here then realise that i really like to watch shows... now like the 9 oclock channel 8 show... and it's ending soon... also like to watch nice advertisements... i like the Dove's Campaign for Real Beauty.

can check out:
http://www.campaignforrealbeauty.ph/supports.asp?id=3181&length=short§ion=campaign

see the results? it's a study for asian women's attitudes. only abt 3% to 5% women think they are beautiful. so few... maybe the results are biased because of the way the survey and questions are phrased and done... since asians are generally more reserved, and will feel that it's bhb and wrong to answer the survey honestly and admit tt they think they are beautiful... haha see? my psych research classes got use one wor...
the other result that strike me is that, among the Most Satisfied Category, Singapore only score well in the "Financial Success"... but She never appear at all in the list for Most Satisfied in "Family Relations", "Romantic Relations", "Friends","Beauty", and "Health". Contrastingly, other countries are doing better at the rest of the categories, even though they are less satisfied with their financial success.

Here's the song that Dove uses in the advertisement.

Show me a smile then,
Don't be unhappy, can't remember
When I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

-Phil Collin's True Colours

do you feel tired carrying me on your back?
i must be quite a pain... it must be super tiring especially when i struggle so much. just cant stop resisting and wanting to walk on my own. other times i fight so hard... just so that you'll carry me the other way.
i can imagine you sweating. struggling too. to keep me still. trying to reassure me. trying to reprimand. trying to tell me that everything is in control. everything's going to be okay.
it's so ironic. now that i'm feeling tired, now that i have no more energy to fight, i suddenly feel so sleepy.
and only now, i am finally willing to rest on your shoulders. i dont really care anymore where you are taking me.
when will you ever get tired of me?

Under Construction

change happens as little and as much as time passes. it is slow and quick at the same time. i am anticipating some changes after the exchange- the major ones are yet to be discovered, but the little ones are quicker to surface.

Little ones like... developing and attaching feelings on the most unlikely thing.a street name. did you know that SMU is located at Victoria Street?

...feeling odd about the someone missing in the group, about the new yellow paint over the blue, or about a familiar person becoming unfamiliar.

...noticing things in a new light, and appreciating them doubly.
the wind feels good chilled and warm.
trees looks good bald and green.
sunset in Victoria is beautiful. ditto from an eighth floor.
heater and aircon are both ingenious inventions.
it's interesting how God fit our selves on earth. Canada has much space with few people, while Singapore has little space with many people.
singaporeans has singlish and finish sentences with a 'la'. canadians has like, like, well, it's like... they say alot of 'like', and like to end sentences with an 'eh', pronounced like an 'ei'.
etc.

i know it in my head that change is good, though most of the time i didnt feel like it. it forces me out of complacency and discover growth. i am also forced to learn of the one Constant who has always been there amidst both the pleasant and discomforting discoveries.

i'm back in singapore! and am still under His contruction...

uh-oh. 4 more days.

To Be Able

Sometimes I wish to speak and write well, but I can’t. Sometimes I wish to love right, but I can’t.
Sometimes I wish this and that, but still I can’t.
Do you see? If you are like me and you wish and you can’t, we can- with His strength.
Only with His strength we can.
To speak and write, and to be understood with our weak words. To act in perfect love. And to do this and that.

The Time Is Starting...

yupz....

friends are starting to go back. and i mean going back for good.

i dont know when i am going to see them again. i dont know if i will get to see them again.

the worst thing is, i feel like i havent give them enough hugs today.

Cant Believe This is Happening

look at this!

i thought this only happens in Enid Blyton's story books....... heh.

o gosh... it was forecasted to be 3-10 cm, but now it's wayyy thicker than tt. victoria is looking like rockies all over......................

=)))))

christie, i am jumping ard and making snowballs and am going to make snowman later. hee. will take lotsa pics!!!!!! =)

it's snowing in Victoria, right now right outside my house!!!!!!!!! yay!!!!!!! heh. victoria rarely had snow, and the last snow they had was i think 2 or 3 yrs ago. i am looking out of my window and they are just falling abundantly from the sky....

it'll be cold today. =)

Have You Heard of the band MercyMe?

wil has the first 2 CDs, and the songs are good. i jus bought the latest one called "Coming Up to Breathe". havent really got the chance to listen to it, but i can already say that i like them more than before...

"I remember going swimming with my brother when I was a kid. We would always get into a major wrestling match in the water to see which one could take the other under. Even to this day, if we get into a pool together... LOOK OUT! Being five years younger, it seemed like I was always the one forced to see how long I could hold my breath underwater because he was so much stronger than me. Sometimes we would get carried away and my broher would hold me underwater for a little too long, and I would start to panic. I'll never forget that feeling of needing air, desperately reaching out for something to pull myself with. I may have only been under it for a few seconds, but when I surfaced, I gasped for air like it was the first time I had ever breathed. Looking back, all I can say is, nothing has changed. Even to this day, I still struggle with keeping my head above water. The circumstance may be a little different, but the urgency to breathe is very much the same.

These days the things that hold us down look different than my big brother in a swimming pool. For most of us, we carry the weight of wanting to live up to other people's expectations, and this can be a hard burden to bear. Sometimes we succeed and other times we fail, but the weight of expectations can hold any of us down and overwhelm us. This is just as true for people who make music and want to share it with the world.

For us in MercyMe, some days we feel the expectations of our families. Some days it is the expectations of our ministry or the music industry. Other days we wonder if a song we've written will be embraced by our listeners, or if people will want to come see one of our concerts. It is days like these when we sometimes forget God's expectations of us.

Thankfully, God's expectations are quite different than people's. God doesn't expect us to always please others. God doesn't expect us to write a hit song. God doesn't expect us to change hearts or save the world- that is His job. God simply asks us to be faithful and do the best with what He has given us. He desires us to simply reflect His goodness, His glory and His grace to the watching world. When we are able to stop and realize what God requires of us, all the weight of others' expectations seems to melt away.

What you hold in your hands is the result of MercyMe surfacing... surfacing from our concern for what others might think of us, and allowing ourselves to come up for air, catch our breath and breathe deep the grace and freedom of God.

The music and message of this album is all over the place and we love it! There are songs that go deeper than we have ever gone before, and there are songs that are as shallow as some of the swimming pools my brother and I wrestled in. And the good news is... it is OK! This is who we are, blemishes and all. Our prayer is that this project will somehow draw you closer to Christ, whether through an intimate time of worship, or through the joy of knowing it is OK to have fun. The bottom line is, it would do us all some good to find ourselves... Coming up to Breathe."

- Bart Millard, from MercyMe, on "Coming Up to Breathe".

Still I Notice You

Every Season
by Nichole Nordeman

Every evening sky, an invitation
To trace the patterned stars
And early in July, a celebration
For freedom that is ours
And I notice You
In children’s games
In those who watch them from the shade
Every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder
You are summer

And even when the trees have just surrendered
To the harvest time
Forfeiting their leaves in late September
And sending us inside
Still I notice You when change begins
And I am braced for colder winds
I will offer thanks for what has been and was to come
You are autumn

And everything in time and under heaven
Finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation
Shivers underneath
And still I notice You
When branches crack
And in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death, You open doors for life to enter
You are winter

And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
What was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with You
And how You make me new
With every season’s change
And so it will be
As You are re-creating me
Summer, autumn, winter, spring

I saw my first snow

and I am overwhelmed.

Went to Rocky Mountains for the past 4 days, and it was beEeaAAuuuUtifUl... we went to different mountains and lakes and little towns, and the combination was lovely! i was trying to read my notes for my coming exam (in 2 days), but i couldnt take my eyes off the window, so i just gave up reading altogether.

snow is amazing. i love rain, but snow is really something different. when i first see it fall, it was so quiet, i couldn't even hear a thing, and it just caught me by surprise. and when it first fall on me, it felt so dry and clean, i could just brush it off with my bare hands. we saw even more snow at the lakes and the higher altitudes. i could just pick up a handful of them and toss them back into the air, i could just eat it off the branches and taste the coldness!

snow is so soft and pure... and delicious.... and white. i was just telling ping that snow gave me the same feeling that old castles have... it's not fun like spring and summer like a princess, but more elegant like a Queen.

in every season there is a time, in every time His beauty is showcased. in the first morning i asked "God, show off your beauty k!" and He really didnt hold back at all.... thank You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =)

Hearing the First Rain of Autumn

and much more...

God never leave me at any time. He teach me numerous lessons, as few or as many as He thinks is best, and at the times He thinks is best. He knows me better than myself, and He is teaching me to know Him- my God, my father, my friend, my lover, my romancer. He loves me like mad. and I am learning to love Him like mad.