Counting The Distance

If two lovers were cursed to turn their backs on each other forever, by sheer determination, they'd each have to endeavour half of 40,075 kilometres around the earth to see each other face to face.

And if Hou Yi was to join the Apollo missions, he would have travelled 406,700 kilometres to the moon to see Chang 'e.

I like the fact that the greatest distance we know are measured in light years; one light year is equivalent to approximately 10 trillion kilometres. I like it because 'years' reminds me that even though the standard unit of length may be in metres, distance is actually more relevant to us if measured in time.

Assume that the two cursed lovers had no other vehicles but to run across the globe. If they were given superhuman stamina (ie. they need no rest) and ran like an average marathon runner, the man would take 89.5 days to run half the earth's circumference, while the woman would take 102.7 days. If they each had a car and drove an average of 100 km/h, with no rest, they'd only take 8.5 days to meet midpoint on the other side of earth.

Hence, it is more relevant to say that their distance was 8.5 days apart, or 100 days apart; rather than 40,000 kilometres apart.

If another pair of lovers were to stand at an arm's length- a comfortable distance where their hands are intertwined, I'd say that they are zero seconds apart from each other. But if one of their love had gone cold beneath that facade, their distance would feel further than the largest physical distance conceivable.

The largest conceivable distance of any sort, I think, is death.

I don't mean the distance between one who's living and one who's dead; I mean death, that brings about the distance between heaven and hell.

If I were a cursed lover with my back stiffly turned, I am hopeful that I can cross half the earth in time to come. If I were holding a hand whose favour upon me is no more, I can remain hopeful for reconciliation in time to come. Even if a loved one were to die, I bear the hope that I'll see that person after life- which would not pose a problem if we are both in heaven, or in hell I guess.

The most dreadful distance, and most terrible, therefore, is when two persons are placed separately in heaven and in hell, beyond light years, and in all eternity.

Happy New Year 2012! =D

Come mid-february, i'll officially be back for t.w.o. years! :) time flies.

the Lord has brought me lower from the eighth floor so that I'll be more grounded, and so i can smell the after-rain better.

i haven't thought of any new year resolutions, and i'm not sure if i'm making any. but i'd like to share some little notes that were saved but went unpublished throughout 2011.

1. When My Wisdom Tooth Grew

"God, can we please have mashed potatoes in school today? Chewing is terrible." and voila. mashed potatoes it is! served that very day. i think the last time i saw mashed potatoes in the canteen was a year before that.

2. When I Drive

I hate driving to get myself fined. But I love driving to suddenly catch streams of brown leaves fall quietly like in the movies, right in front of my windshield.

3. When I Sing

In 2010, I took a whole year to read Jeremiah, the weeping prophet. when i finished that, i thought that the time of weeping for me is over. and hence it is time to sing. and i started reading psalms. that's why you'd notice that most of the blog posts in 2011 are in songs. but it turned out that i didn't stop weeping that year.

and that's okay.

Be patient, He says, the time of no death, mourning, crying or pain is yet to come.

4. When I'm Dissatisfied

"If I find myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."

- CS Lewis

5. When Tiles Are Smooth

She told me to be careful when I walk because the tiles are too smooth.

TOO smooth? and you'd think that smooth is good. smooth sailing is very good. but too-smooth makes us fall. Better that the tiles are rough. we will have a firmer walk in life with rough patches.

6. When Shopping Pales In Comparison

A friend once asked if she could visit my hometown.

Sure, I said, but there's nothing there.

That's not true! She said. There are people there. And people are the most important.

Hence, I've decided that the next time I travel, it shouldn't be for shopping madness. but to enjoy the Lord's creation, and most importantly, to meet the people.

7. When I'm Blessed

The Lord pampers me, I know. He pampers me with mashed potatoes and falling leaves; with a family that loves me, and with friends who are like-minded. But His pampering is most obvious when He brought me to Singapore just to show me who He is. And now that I've known, He brought me back so I can show others here.

"The God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

- Romans 15:13

"Blessed is the people whose God is the LORD."

- Psalm 144: 15b

i haven't thought of any new year resolutions, and I'm not sure if i'm making any. but i think i'd like to continue singing.

"I belong to you. This is my call, to sing melodies of You, and I can do nothing else."

- Sixpence None The Richer

"There is no one else for me. None but Jesus. Crucified to set me free. Now I live to bring Him praise. When You call, help me not to delay. This, my song through all my days."

- Hillsong United

Blessing in Disguise

I love the smell of an after-rain. :)

If you're like me and is curious to know how that smell is produced, here's an answer from HowStuffWorks:

"As it turns out, the smells people associate with rainstorms can be caused by a number of things. One of the more pleasant rain smells, the one we often notice in the woods, is actually caused by bacteria! Actinomycetes, a type of filamentous bacteria, grow in soil when conditions are damp and warm. When the soil dries out, the bacteria produces spores in the soil. The wetness and force of rainfall kick these tiny spores up into the air where moisture after a rain acts as an aerosol (just like an aerosol air freshener). The moist air easily carries the spores to us so we breathe them in. These spores have a distinctive, earthy smell we often associate with the rainfall. The bacteria is extremely common and can be found in areas all over the world, which accounts for the universality of this sweet "after-the-rain" smell. Since the bacteria thrives in moist soil but releases the spores once the soil dries out, the smell is most acute after a rain that follows a dry spell, although you'll notice it to some degree after most rainstorms."

The wetness. and force. of rainfall kick! these tiny spores up into the air.

How apt. Just like how we need to be kicked hard and cold so that we can bounce right up and high.

The smell is most acute after a rain that follows a dry spell.

And how we shall bounce most high after a long period of drought, of lacking, nothingness. senselessness.

"What if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise"

- Blessings, Laura Story

On Hope

that child told me to hope for the best.

but he told not to keep my hopes up. it's a game, he says. the higher my hopes, the greater my disappointment. it's therefore better to play it cool.

today i feel stupid for believing that guy. disappointment wounds the heart bad. but to hope less kills the heart slowly. and if i one day reach hopelessness, then i will surely die.

our hearts yearn for hope. don't suppress it. fill it all in. and it will overflow- with life.

expect the worst. hope for the best.

Elephant in the Room, Richard Walters

Loving Jakob Karr dance this beautiful song in his SYTYCD audition! or youtube 'elephant in the room lyrics' for the full song.

Calling you to wake

Shouting in my car that's stalled outside. It's pure coincidence, I'm sure.

Falling from my mouth, secondary doubts I've found myself in

Can't seem to look you in the eyes

And I hope you can see

I'm more than this,

this heap at your feet

Who are you to judge me? Who are you to preach?

Control has slipped away from me again

How heavy are these words?

They're heavier than air

That rushes past your face as you drive away from me again

How heavy are my hands?

They're heavier than blood

That rushes to my head as I will walk away from here again

Mine against His

Mine.

i thought i was thirsty. so i drank. but it was no good. so maybe i was hungry.

i tried food. and it was good for a while. but i felt it again.

i filled my ears with music this time. it was good. for a while. and i felt it again.

i sucked in the sunshine. the skies.

the air. and the waves.

it was really good.

but. i felt it again.

i thought you said hi. so i said hi back. but it was no good. so maybe i misheard you.

i said goodbye. and it was good for a while. but i felt it again.

i tried walking with my eyes closed this time. it was really good. for a while. but. uh-oh. i felt it again.

His.

PSALM 104 (in parts):

"He waters the mountains from his upper chambers;

the land is satisfied by the fruit of his work.

He makes grass grow for the cattle,

and plants for people to cultivate-

bringing forth food from the earth:

wine that gladdens human hearts,

oil to make their faces shine.

and bread that sustains their hearts.

The lions roar for their prey

and seek their food from God.

All creatures look to you

to give them their food at the proper time.

When you give it to them,

they gather it up;

when you open your hand,

they are satisfied with good things."

love flutters its wings.

it doesn't hurt,

when it lands on an evening rose.

time fails to capture the beauty of its moment.

but eternity looks from above, and smiles.

love flutters its broken wings.

yet it doesn't hurt,

to fly another time. and another time.

time looks down on its incompleteness,

but an evening petal encircles, and arms its visitor in the sight of eternity.

Rainbow Connection

Why are there so many

Songs about rainbows

And what's on the other side?

Rainbows are visions

But only illusions

Rainbows have nothing to hide

So we've been told and some choose to believe it

I know they're wrong, wait and see

Someday we'll find it

The rainbow connection

The lovers, the dreamers and me

Who said that every wish will be heard and answered

When wished on a morning star

Somebody thought of that

and someone believed it

Look what it's done so far

What's so amazing that keeps us star gazing?

What do we think we might see?

Someday we'll find it

The rainbow connection

The lovers, the dreamers and me

All of us under its spell, we know that it's probably magic.

Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices

I've heard them calling my name

Is this the sweet sound that calls the young sailors

The voice might be one and the same

I've heard it too many times to ignore it

It's something that I'm supposed to be

Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection

The lovers, the dreamers and me

Not Going Anywhere

-Keren Ann

This is why I always wonder

I'm a pond full of regrets

I always try to not remember

Rather than forget

This is why I always whisper

When vagabonds are passing by

I tend to keep myself away

From their goodbyes

Tides will fall and rise along the bay

And I'm not going anywhere, I'm not going anywhere

People come and go and walk away

But I'm not going anywhere, I'm not going anywhere

This is why I always whisper

I'm a river with a spell

I like to hear but not to listen

Like to say but not to tell

This is why I always wonder

There's nothing new under the sun

I won't go anywhere

So give my love to everyone

Tides will fall and rise along the bay

And I'm not going anywhere, I'm not going anywhere

People come and go and walk away

But I'm not going anywhere, I'm not going anywhere

This is the best i can find in youtube =X

Even Stones Will Sing

'You must not speak,' he says.

So I bit my lips,

and I listened instead.

I listened to the quick rustling of the leaves. to the slow whirring of a motorbike. to the random chirping of a bird. to other deliberate refrains from other birds. then the leaves again- drummed by my friend, the wind. at that point i would believe it if the sun stooped down to join in- some sizzling sounds with its heat perhaps?

A grand morning orchestra.

I walked to my room, turned on the CD player, and I secretly laughed.

"I tell you," He replied,"if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out."- Luke 19:40

Many Are The Wonders To Sing

"He put a new song in my mouth,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear the LORD

and put their trust in him.

Blessed is the one

who trusts in the LORD,

who does not look to the proud,

to those who turn aside to false gods.

Many, LORD my God,

are the wonders you have done,

the things you planned for us.

None can compare with you;

were I to speak and tell of your deeds,

they would be too many to declare.

Sacrifice and offering you did not desire—

but my ears you have opened—

burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require.

Then I said, “Here I am, I have come—

it is written about me in the scroll.

I desire to do your will, my God;

your law is within my heart."

-Psalm 40:3-8

A New Song

Psalm 33

Sing joyfully to the LORD, you righteous;

it is fitting for the upright to praise him.

Praise the LORD with the harp;
make music to him on the ten-stringed lyre.
Sing to him a new song;
play skillfully, and shout for joy.

For the word of the LORD is right and true;
he is faithful in all he does.
The LORD loves righteousness and justice;
the earth is full of his unfailing love.

By the word of the LORD the heavens were made,
their starry host by the breath of his mouth.
He gathers the waters of the sea into jars;
he puts the deep into storehouses.
Let all the earth fear the LORD;
let all the people of the world revere him.
For he spoke, and it came to be;
he commanded, and it stood firm.

The LORD foils the plans of the nations;
he thwarts the purposes of the peoples.
But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever,
the purposes of his heart through all generations.

Blessed is the nation whose God is the LORD,
the people he chose for his inheritance.
From heaven the LORD looks down
and sees all mankind;
from his dwelling place he watches
all who live on earth—
he who forms the hearts of all,
who considers everything they do.

No king is saved by the size of his army;
no warrior escapes by his great strength.
A horse is a vain hope for deliverance;
despite all its great strength it cannot save.
But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him,
on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,
to deliver them from death
and keep them alive in famine.

We wait in hope for the LORD;
he is our help and our shield.
In him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in his holy name.
May your unfailing love be with us, LORD,
even as we put our hope in you.

Chemistry and Physics of Space and Breaking

Once, in chemistry, I'd learned that objects never really touch- because of ions repelling, there's always an infinitesimal space, so that even when it feels like you're holding hands or rubbing up against something on the atomic level, you're not.

She was talking about gaps. Gaps between her and her adoptive family; gaps between birth mothers and daughters that were given away; she was talking about gaps that will always be between any two persons.

Gaps are not generally considered a positive thing. Generation gap. Income gap. Gap between two teeth.

But like what Kahlil Gibran wonderfully described in The Prophet, there is a certain sort of gap that is beautiful. It is not only beautiful, it is necessary.

Sing and dance together and be joyous,

but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together yet not too near together:

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

I remember a girl who once folded me three little stars in her hands. She threaded a fine wire to hold the stars in a line and pointed, "The one on the left is me, the one on the right is you, and God is right in the middle". I'm not sure if that girl still remembers this incident or if she has known back then the depth and wisdom of her words. But at that moment, the stars revealed to me that infinitesimal spaces between persons are there for a reason- so that it can be filled by glue that holds us and holds everything together. Glue that completes us. Satisfies us. Oh. And not all glue works, you know. In fact, I only know of one that does it flawlessly. God.

Things break all the time. Day breaks, waves break, voices break. Promises break. Hearts break. She wrote. Flames turn to dust, lovers become friends, and all good things come to an end. She sings.

Hollow spaces between two persons are indeed scary. It makes us want to hold on tighter, it makes us try too hard, it makes us afraid. And it makes our hearts break when the spaces in between becomes a real crack that never really mends. The thing is, it has already cracked so often, especially if we tried to do without the glue.

But like the little stars that I still keep, I am grateful that there is at least one assurance that all things will surely crumble, but God is faithfully keeping them together; all relationships will surely be broken, but He is graciously keeping us all together.

Dear Diary 2

31-10-'95. Tuesday. Windy.

Dear Diary,

If you want to ask me anything, please ask it in dream. And make sure that I remember it when I woke up.

1-11-'95. Wednesday. Hot day.

Dear Diary, today I am so unlucky. My hand has 2 scars on it because my friend accidentally make it. And my friend step onto my leg. And my brother always scold me. I think this day is especially a punishment for me. Whatever I had done wrong maybe I don't realize it. Last night I have many dreams. It is so strange. I can't remember anything about it when I woke up. I only remember that I had many strange dreams. Maybe it's you.

Your writer,

(my signature at 10-year-old)

Dear Diary

ahahahaha.... i just found this little book "Fancy Bear" in my room.

This is what the first page says:

29-10-'95. Sunday. Sunny day.

Dear diary,

this is the first time i write a diary. Let me introduce myself. I am not so hardworking girl. I am Indonesian. I came to Singapore to study at 27-7-'94. (I can still remember clearly) My name is Ellince Sutopo. People often call me Alice. I have a brother only. His name is Willy Sutopo. I stay with my Aunt and Uncle. I am Primary 4 now. Going to Primary 5. My exam is over by now. I hope I pass my exam with flying colours. I know that my Social Studies get 76 marks. And my Science get B.1 (I mean bend 1) The teacher can't tell me the marks. My P.4 Streaming exam is: (The most important) English Chinese and Math. Now, my Best friend's name is Lin Wan Hua. I think I will write more to you tomorrow about my parents and relatives. And of course! what is happening that day.

But before finishing this, I want to tell you. I was born at 23-10-'85. So I am 10 years old. Now my birthday was just over. I spent my day at my Aunt's house. It was fun.

Your writer,

(my signature at 10-year-old)

one girl told me that she wants to be swept away by the tsunami and disappear into some remote and unknown island. she'll have a new beginning, staying with the natives. no past to bother her. and one year later when she returns or when she is discovered, she'll pretend to have amnesia. then she can forget about the expectations that others have of her, and just live like how she thinks her life should be. when the others see her again, they'd have no reason to impose on those expectations anymore because they can't expect her to know or remember.

i didn't know what to say to her =(

The Prophet

-Kahlil Gibran

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when
the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cups but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous,
but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

He says

Love is blind, Shakespeare said.

It is not.

In fact, Love makes my eyes see brighter, brighter than lasik.

Light enters better.

And your colours shine richer.

Some tell me it is a dream.

Vivid is only as what we painted them to be.

A paint over cracked walls.

But hey, it's 00.57am, and I am wide awake.

she tip-toes

to avoid

the scattered pieces

but it's a lie.

she just wants some quiet,

that no one will come

to tell her that it needs to be round.

that all lines must come to a perfect circle.

it's a must and it is right.

she wonders

and circles around the pieces.

how can a broken plate be made round again?

Your Love Satisfies, and I Think of You

Because your love is better than life,

my lips will glorify you.

I will praise you as long as i live,

and in your name I will lift up my hands.

My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;

with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

On my bed I remember you;

I think of you through the watches of the night.

I told God that I desire for everyone and everything, but no one and no thing satisfy. God asked David to write the song above many years ago to give me an answer. =)

"David, wearing a linen ephod, danced before the LORD with all his might, while he and the entire house of Israel brought up the ark of the LORD with shouts and the sound of trumpets. As the ark of the LORD was entering the City of David, Michal daughter of Saul watched from a window. And when she saw King David leaping and dancing before the LORD, she despised him in her heart....

When David returned home to bless his household, Michal daughter of Saul came out to meet him and said, 'How the king of Israel has distinguished himself today, disrobing in the sight of the slave girls of his servants as any vulgar fellow would!'"

I am jealous of David... because he is someone who loved the Lord so much that he danced like no one was watching... i wish i'm like that. =) and as he was despised by his very own wife, he answered "I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes."