My Dearest Confidant

i wrote horrible stuffs. it was saved as a draft for abt a week, and nope, i am not going to publish it. in fact i just deleted it.

it's so easy to delete things and hide parts of your self in front of others. but God knows. He knows the exact letter i am going to hit, all the wrong spellings, deletings and retypings even before my fingers touch the pad.
and i am so thankful for that...
With Him i express freedom. to be just as i am. to say all the things that's in my mind. i don't feel paiseh with God... i am glad He knows all my thoughts, my bests and my worsts, and it shall remain a secret between Him and me. if any, oopz, typo there, i mean many. if many of my imperfections are revealed, let it be a testimony of His grace, forgiveness, mercy, and love.

"You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same
You are amazing God"

how can i refuse such a refuge?

Most Stayest

O satisfaction
where have your eyes flee?
your hands they grope

Satisfaction cries
out
yet silenced
for your voice too left
beyond your fingers. right
and right and you kept right
O pride!
till you turn
and return to the blind, to the dumb.

O satisfaction
where have your eyes flee?
O soul's satisfaction
can you breathe within, down, up to the one who stays?

I Need Your Prayer! =P

if all things happen for a reason, i believe this, too. though i know not why. yet.
i have no idea why that guy called, or what pleasure he gained from doing such things. i dun even know him. but it is maddening to know tt people uses good causes and abuses those. actually i was scared when i got the first call a few days ago. today i got the third. but i am not afraid anymore. if i really think abt it, there's nothing much he can do except to call and threaten. it'll be tough to get through the security guards and camera before he gets here. if ever someone is going to follow me or smtgh, i know i wun jus scream for help or cry. i'll run. if there's nowhere else to run i'll surely resist and fight back. hopefully i will never have to do that...
and i believe that guy needs help. pls help me pray for protection and pray for that person to repent and turn to God too...

hey all... we must JiAYoU!

been a long time since i see pple say the singapore pledge. the last time was.... back in nj? early in the morning i'll run frm the opp bustop to the side gate, across the track, up the hill, to the back (or front) of the school, look for S12, reached the back of the queue, throw my bag on the floor, just in time for flag raising...
other times i'll take taxi to the main entrance, and stroll my way...

haiz... anyway... when we place our right fist across our heart, it symbolises a pledge, a promise.
our brain is said to be the size of our clenched fist. hopefully our heart is neither bigger nor smaller... anyone can make a promise at any time, thought he/she meant it with all his/her heart at that time, yet can break it all the same at the end. anyone can change how they look, but its hard to change how they think, what they feel. when they do though, its even harder to reverse the change.

we are meant to think and feel and choose beautiful things. but when our heart hurt, and our head throb, let's try to choose this:
don't give up hoping on hope, don't forget to remember love, and have faith in our faithful Maker of these 3...

Just A Little Crush?

he pulls your pigtail, he notices details about you, gives little glances, sometimes his words come forth as sarcastic and hateful. and you wonder, does he have a crush on you?
she slips surprise candies into your bag, walks the same longer path home, she so hopes to catch a glimpse of you. and she wonders, do you know she has a crush on you?

okok... i actually did the candy thing before. *gAsP*
erm actually, i did alot more silly things before. *GAsP gAsP*

This is a story of a guy who had, and still has a crush on me.

2 days ago, my friends and i were sitting down on the smu quad field. we were looking at the green grass, picturing white roasted pig, squirrel, fish and rabbit running across the blue sky. listening to the crickets and lizards.

then i heard:
"Another summer day
is come and gone away...."
chris and i were listening to Michael Buble's "Home". and i said, "this is so appropiate..."

moments later, i spotted an aeroplane, the kind which leaves a trail of cloud behind... and i shouted "look! aeroplane!"

then we heard:
"...another aeroplane
another sunny place..."
and both our jaws dropped.

Ever notice how He teases you?

2 weeks ago, i was scorching under the sun, and was whining to Him about how hot it was... and guess wat. a huge cloud came over and shaded me. instantly.

He must have loved to see the look on my face.
and i bet He has more than just a little crush on you and me...

Everything is Made Beautiful in His Time

"God is God, and i am a girl.
saw Race to the Altar advertisement on TV just now. i know Jesus is the groom waiting for me to reach the altar. It's nice to think that i'm His bride. Even if there's others. but still... i'm His bride too. heh... this'll be weird for a man to imagine....
anyway, ya, racing to the altar. brides always walk down extra slowly on the isle... bet they are yearning to run instead. so exciting to be wed! duno y must walk so slow... if we can run, it'll be so much faster to reach the groom who's waiting there for us at the altar! i can imagine Jesus waiting for me... smiling and holding out His hand... as i reach the altar. heh... kinda excited thinking abt it.. but i duno if i'll be walking or running. i think i'll be running ba... lifting up my long puffy gown a little higher above my ankle so i can run without tripping. and high heels! i duno y gals must wear high heels! it's so painful! i guess it looks elegant and all... but it still hurts! esp when i have to stand for more than half an hour. o well....
if i run to the altar it'll take less than a few mins, so it wun hurt then... at least not so much.
i'll reach the altar, finally!
breathless... smiling, grinning!
i'll look messy but happy!
That'll be nice... =)"

tts something i wrote abt more than a year ago... heh. it's so funny to read things i penned down so long ago... as i read past letters, diaries, notes, etc, i see changes in my thoughts, in the way i talk and write... at the same time i see similar prayers, struggles, same traits.

i was so impatient and i still am. impatient to get a job. impatient to know who's the one. impatient to love. impatient to make decisions. impatient to wait. impatient to grow up! jus like jenna in 13 going 30...

i have repeated the same lesson on patience for so many times! and i realise God is not just interested in what i'll become at the end. He's also interested in the things i learn during the process of getting there. as He always says, everything is made beautiful in His time... and this is a beautiful time to wait.

"it's good to run... =)
but it's also good to take a walk at other times... a slow walk. it's great to slow down and relish all that is good- all of His works.
God is good."

Still

Still
by Rueben Morgan, Hillsong.

Hide me now
Under Your wings
Cover me
Within Your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father You are king above the flood
I will be still, and know You are God

Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know His power
In quietness and trust

"Be still, and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10.
one of my favourite verses... =)

Re-Rewind

congratz dajie and hendy for your ROM!!! =)

i'm having a hard time to start writing my blog again. i said that hols has been superb so far. and it really is. i enjoyed myself so much in indo that sometimes i feel guilty. i wonder how my maid felt when she had to bring the load of shopping bags to my room. i hear so much about my friends going for mission trips, church camps, work etc etc... while there i was, slacking my time away.

indo is always a great place for me to rest and have fun. i get to go back there at least twice a year. and its a period where i really get to spend time with my family.

i'm the kind of girl who needs a break once in a while. let's say i've been too stressed out with school, i'll stay at home even it means i'm skipping class. if i've been going out to play consecutively for days, i'll also choose to stay at home for at least one whole day by myself. i love being with people but i also like to spend time by myself. you can catch me talking alot at one moment, i'll be quieter at the next, especially when i'm in a crowd.

so when summer hols came, i thought yay! i am going to go back indonesia to have a break from eVEryTHIng! from school, ccas, from msn, from all my loves, desires and responsibilities in singapore. just for one month. on the other hand, i did not want to play too long in indo, cus i know i needed a break even from vacation. 4 months is waay too long.

i didn't realise though, that when i wanted to lose contact with everything here, i lost contact with God. that's horrible. if there's one thing we do not take a break from, its God. its like breathing. we never take a break from breathing. ditto for God. we need Him all the time. and silly me, who had all the time in her world began to do things on her own. without Him. i had all these great plans mapped out in my head, all the things i said i wanted to do during hols. then while i was free, i slacked even the slightest things i could do. like praying. reading His word. that's all that i didn't do with all my heart, and half-heartedness is all it took to keep me apart from God.

not that i can do anything to change the time that has passed. but lince, start writing your blog again, and stop walking by youself. walk with God. even when things seem alright and great, you still need Him each day. don't take Him for granted. it really hurts not to be with God. and you are really too proud and not wise enough to live by your own anyway.

Melody of You

Matt Slocum's Melody of You.
performed by Sixpence None the Richer.

You're a painting with symbols deep
A symphony, soft as it shifts from dark beneath
A poem that flows, caressing my skin
In all of these things you reside
And I want to flow from the pen, bow, and brush
Then paper, string, and canvas touch
With ink in the air to dust your light
From morning 'til the black of night

This is my call, I belong to You
This is my call, to sing the melodies of You
This is my call, I can do nothing else
I can do nothing else

You're the scent of an unfound bloom
A simple tune, I only write variations to
A drink that will knock me down on the floor
A key that will unlock the door
Where I hear a voice sing familiar themes
Then beckons me weave notes in between
A bow and a string, a tap and a glass
You pour me, 'til the day has passed

This is my call I belong to You
This is my call to sing the melodies of You
This is my call I can do nothing else
I can do nothing else

At Present

back in singapore with an extra 1.5 kg, 3 huge pimples, numberless white heads and mosquito bites.

hmmz.

haiz...........................................


other than that, the past 1 month ++ has been superb. =)

My Failing Eyes

some people are so unlovable. i cant stand it when they do the things they do. it irks.

then again, i am reminded that somehow in some ways God never fails to see the beauty in them. even when i fail to do so.

people say that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.
thank God for that.
because the beholder is You- i am beautiful.

pls help me see them through Your eyes...

Wishlist

end of term 2. which means i am not going to be a freshman anymore. time really flies...

Things to do for the next 4 months (and beyond...):

go back indonesia...
to eat. kho tavern! grilled chicken with amiyaki sauce... i miss you!!!
to shop. ITC. kelapa gading mal.
to read indo comics.
to play my clavinova.
to slp on my bed in ptk. i miss my bear.
to see my family... esp. tuaku and his family. hopefully i can go visit them in surabaya.

oh, most imptly, i'm going back to jkt to fulfil a mission with wil. heh...

after 1 month, go back singapore...
to find a job. hopefully i can work in a christian bookstore... then i can enjoy the music all day long! heh. and browse thru those books when i am free. hmmz... or SPH. i dun mind any job there really. *cRosS FiNgERz*
to dance! somewhere....
to play piano.
to train tkd. must at least be able to do switch-kick smoothly!
to train ld. ooh i finally got to touch drums last night... heh.

in all e things i do... may i walk in Your ways and fix my eyes on You.

i got e chatter box up finally! heh. feel free to tag... say hi... say low... etc... =)

Barely

I'm barely breathing as I reach for the air. Not really. I'm not reaching for the air. I'm holding my own breath.

I'm barely breathing as I reach for the fallen leaves. Orange leaves. I love orange leaves. But they always fall. And i can't catch them. The more i clutch unto them, the faster they crush, and they fade.

I'm barely breathing as I reach for your hand. But my hands are full of candies. sweet chocolate candies that melt. I can't reach you with a hand that's already filled.


lince ah lince...

The Two Sisters

what happens when you have gastric before your presentation? you asked permission to go home after you finish.
what happens when you walk out of class, you realised that its raining, and you have no umbrella? you call a friend to ask if she has one.
what if she says no? she asked you to mt her at the lobby with another friend.
you then walked to the lobby, and u realise one was waiting for you, the other went to grab a hot milo for you. because you cant walk down the hill to the bustop, they waited together at the lobby for a taxi. you then realised that they were studying, and you are taking up their time. alot of their time (took super long for the taxi to come). but they still continued to hang around anyway.

just want to appreciate the two lovely sisters who were with me this afternoon... hUGz... thanx christie, thanx yinghui.... =)

Indescribable

Chris Tomlin's Indescribable

From the highest of heights to the depths of the sea
Creation's revealing Your majesty
From the colors of fall to the fragrance of spring
Every creature unique in the song that it sings
All exclaiming

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God

All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God

Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go
Or seen heavenly storehouses laden with snow
Who imagined the sun and gives source to its light
Yet conceals it to bring us the coolness of night
None can fathom

Incomparable, unchangeable
You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same
You are amazing God

Phonemes Words Sentences

sometimes there's so much that i want to express, but my words fail. i slur my thoughts away. it's not as if i have alot to say actually... hmmz... ultimately, there's only one thing that needs to be said.

the reason that i'm sleeping peacefully.

for all sinners, that's such a thing called hell. we are all sinners. but thankfully i'm going the other way. did i mention that for all sinners there's also a saviour? His name is Jesus.

Purely Love

pure love...

that's actually a pleonasm (mr whitby, i got that right! heh). i think love itself is pure. =)
and i really want to love with purity...

a month ago, my parents wish me "希望你找到好对象" during chinese new year. ok, i dun even know if i'm writing the right characters... but the gist is, they wished that i'll find my Someone, or at least find someone good for me? direct translation. it is the first time ever in my whole entire life that they wished me that. i was like... whoa.

then, my mom had this dream about some guy coming over to my house to see my parents... and THEN my bROther has this dream that i wanted to get married at 19. and my parents said ok. my brother said no. i think he freaked out in the dream. my father thinks that those are signs that i have a boyfriend... i think my family is really cute...

how untimely... just when i decided that no, i'm not getting myself into relationships, at least not for now. i think i'm not ready. i think i'm still too self-centred.

when 2 people get into a relationship, it is because he loves her for who she is. she loves him for who he is. i want to love him because of who he is, not simply because he is nice to me, therefore i shall be nice to him. a rlshp should not be just about Me. whether he has loved me enough, pleased me enough, give me enough. that's selfish love. and i don't believe in love that's selfish. or self-seeking. if i love someone, my focus should be on him. not me. tough right... that's why i feel i'm not ready.

here's e definition of love from 1 Cor 13.

"love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast. it is not proud. it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

love never fails."

love is patient... so there's a time where we wait.
love is kind... so we are compassionate. and we do not judge or condemn e other.
love does not envy... so we trust him. or her.
love does not boast. it is not proud... so we humble ourselves. and respect the other.
love is not rude... so we take courtesy especiallywith our family, when we already know each other so well. we don't take each other for granted.
love is not self-seeking...
love is not easily angered... patience! and self-control...
love keeps no record of wrongs... that's where forgiveness comes in... this is also tough...
love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth... that's where we help each other and support each other to hold on to the truth, to goodness, to God.
it always protects, always trusts, always hope, always perseveres....
love never fails...

heh. love is so great isnt it? it's not just about love between a couple, but love in families, friends, colleages, project mates... etc.

and... love is pure. i dont want to look at a guy and think of him as a potential boyfriend. i just want to treat him like how Jesus will treat His friend. purely with love! =)

and there she goes again
wishing to walk on water
daring not to look behind
for fear of turning into a pillar of salt

there she goes again
loved and embraced and hugged
lifted
and she knows
as she lifts her hands
that hands are meant to love and embrace and to hug
even if they tremble.

Have a Kit Kat

been really busy.......................................................
and it's supposed to be my break week!!!
but thank God that all my mid terms are over (except for psych midterm 2)... thank God for psych1 results... it's really by God's grace... guessing and getting it right etc. again for yesterdays bgs open book... i only read thru the summaries of the chapters one nite before, but somehow can find most of the terms when i was flipping... pHEw. i really dun deserve it... but thank You... =) heh...

hmm for the past 2 weeks...
besides studies, first time went along with the rest of lion dance pple to perform... though i only did cymbals, and carry stuffs, pull trolley etc... heh... that is so far frm playing e drums rite... but its fun! but its also tiring...
tkd trainings are worse.... sometimes i duno y i am getting myself into all these bruises. but tkd is fun.... heh. o well... fiNALly... tmr is e day!.... pray for me... heh. i have been getting butterflies in e stomach since i watched e matches today...
if there is one thing i learn abt e comp, it is tt everything is unpredicatable. u duno how the opponents are gg to spar...anD u duno how the referees are going to judge u...

10 more hours to my first match!