Rain Will Come

i've always wanted to name my baby girl Rayne if she's born on a rainy day- Ray- of hope, love, and all of God's goodness encompassed in the rain.
*that is IF, i'm ever going to have a baby girl, AND if, she's ever going to be born on a rainy day.

unchecked.

i've always been so certain about certain things. like writing. i've always loved to write since i was in secondary 2, and've always dreamt to be a writer of some sort after i graduate.

i have graduated. and i've applied to all the companies which i think'll give me tt opportunity. but i've either been rejected or ignored, or maybe i've just been ignorant in whom i shud apply to, and how i shud apply.

unchecked.

i've also always thought that i wanted to stay in singapore after i graduate, at least for a while. i HAVE stayed in singapore, for a while really- 3 months, since august this year.

at the start of nov, my parents asked me to come back to jkt if i still cannot find a job by the end of the month. so i started searching for jobs tts unrelated to writing. i went for a few interviews, and i got rejected.

then last wed my family finally asked me to come back to jkt on the weekend. they assured me it's not permanent, n that i can always look for a job in singapore via the internet. but i suspected my parents wanted me back at home more than just a little a while.

i was panicking (pls dun get me wrong, i dont hate coming back, and i do love to spend time wif my family), only because things are not going according to what i thought was certain.

tt evening, i went to my room and read Ezekiel 24:15-25.

ezekiel was told that the delight of his eyes was going to be taken away. and his wife died the next day.

she was a sign that the strongholds- in which you take pride, the delight of your eyes, the object of your affection, your joy and glory, your heart's desires, your sons and daughters- they will be taken away so you will know that God is God.

i understood then that God wanted to take away all my hearts' desires, my dreams and wants, my love, my all, so that I will know that God is God, and trust that God IS being God- my good God who knows abt every nano-inch of the world and about the unknown.

at 8pm, i got a phone call which offers me a job as a program coordinator in a family service centre (fsc). i accepted it immediately, and i called home.

checking.

today is 3rd of dec, and i'm back in jkt. i came back even though i accepted the job because 1, i already bought the ticket. 2, the fsc has not decided when i am to start.

i was supposed to come back on 29 nov last week n was supposed to go back to sgp today. but i didnt because the fsc remains undecided.

checking.

the point is, i'm not so certain abt many things now.

i wonder if i said yes too soon to the job offer. i wonder if i'll ever get a chance to write like how i imagined i would. i wonder if God's best plan for me is drawn in Indonesia or somewhere else. i wonder if i'll ever have a baby girl, and i wonder if my baby girl will be born on a rainy day.

checked.

i wonder if i'll ever find true love like those we watch on movies and fairy tales. not everyone do.

and as i wonder and ponder, i realised that i already found true love. and that true love is all around, displayed everywhere, n proclaimed every moment.

"If clouds are full of water,
they pour rain upon the earth.
Whether a tree falls to the south or to the north,
in the place where it falls, there will it lie."
- eccletiastes 11:3.

Love Them Like Jesus

by Casting Crowns.

The love of her life is drifting away
They're losing the fight for another day
The life that she's known is falling apart
A fatherless home, a child's broken heart

You're holding her hand, you're straining for words
You trying to make - sense of it all
She's desperate for hope, darkness clouding her view
She's looking to you

Just love her like Jesus, carry her to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don't need the answers to all of life's questions
Just know that He loves her and stay by her side
Love her like Jesus
Love her like Jesus

The gifts lie in wait, in a room painted blue
Little blessing from Heaven would be there soon
Hope fades in the night, blue skies turn to gray
As the little one slips away

You're holding her hand, you're straining for words
You're trying to make sense of it all
They're desperate for hope, darkness clouding their view
They're looking to you

Just love them like Jesus, carry them to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don't need the answers to all of life's questions
Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus

Lord of all creation holds our lives in His hands
The God of all the nations holds our lives in His hands
The Rock of our salvation holds our lives in His hands
He cares for them just as He cares for you

So love them like Jesus, love them like Jesus
You don't need the answers to all of life's questions
Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus
Love them like Jesus

i'm writing with such heavy hands. i'm guilty... of not writing about the many goodness of God, abt the lessons He taught me so graciously, for i am ashamed of my struggles, n i am ashamed of how i write. all the more i feel guilty because i care more abt me n my writing, than abt building a memorial for the most beautiful thing on earth, i chose to risk forgetting my Lord who has faithfully carried me through this season.

i need to click on 'publish post' now.

Himitsu

- showing off the little jap tt i learnt in class. haha.

I'm too lazy to google and check its source, but this is definitely frm a song:

the secret of life is letting go
the secret of love is letting it show.

some secrets remain as secrets because we hide the truth.
others remain as secrets because we dont bother to find out.
some secrets become open secrets, but we remain oblivious.

life and love are not so shy.
the giver of them all are not so shy.

Public and Private

Teach me, good Lord: Not to murmur at multitude of business or shortness of time. Not to magnify undertaken duties by seeming to suffer under them, but to treat all as liberties and gladnesses. Not to call attention to crowded work, or petty fatiques. Not to gather encouragement from appreciation by others, lest this should interfere with purity of motive. Not to seek praise, respect, gratitude, or regard from superiors or equals on account of age or past service. Not to let myself be placed in favourable contrast with another. We pray in Christ' name. Amen.

- Edward W. Benson