Not Apart, and I Thank You

John says,
Without you, I can do nothing.

Lea sings,
I can't win, I can't reign
I will never win this game
Without you, without you
I am lost, I am vain,
I will never be the same
Without you, without you
I won't run, I won't fly
I will never make it by
Without you, without you
I can't rest, I can't fight
All I need is you and I

And I quote,
You are the vine, I am the branches. Apart from you, I can do nothing.

He Gives His Beloved

"It is in vain that you to rise up early

and go late to rest, 

eating the bread of anxious toil;

for he gives to his beloved sleep."

- Psalm 127:2

The Sleep

- Elizabeth Barrett Browning

OF all the thoughts of God that are

Borne inward unto souls afar,

Along the Psalmist's music deep,

Now tell me if that any is,

For gift or grace, surpassing this--

'He giveth His beloved, sleep'!

What would we give to our beloved?

The hero's heart to be unmoved,

The poet's star-tuned harp, to sweep,

The patriot's voice, to teach and rouse,

The monarch's crown, to light the brows?

'He giveth His beloved sleep."

What do we give to our beloved?

A little faith all undisproved,

A little dust to overweep,

And bitter memories to make

The whole earth blasted for our sake.

He giveth His beloved sleep.

"Sleep soft, beloved!" we sometimes say,

But have no tune to charm away

Sad dreams that through the eyelids creep.

But never doleful dream again

Shall break the happy slumber when

He giveth His beloved sleep.

O earth, so full of dreary noises!

O men, with wailing in your voices!

O delved gold, the wailers heap!

O strife, O curse, that o'er it fall!
God strikes a silence through you all,

He giveth His beloved sleep.

His dews drop mutely on the hill;

His cloud above it saileth still,

Though on its slope men sow and reap.

More softly than the dew is shed,

Or cloud is floated overhead,

He giveth His beloved sleep.

Ay, men may wonder while they scan

A living, thinking, feeling man,

Confirmed in such a rest to keep;

But angels say, and through the word

I think their happy smile is heard--

'He giveth His beloved sleep."

For me, my heart that erst did go

Most like a tired child at a show,

That sees through tears the mummers leap

Would now its wearied vision close,

Would childlike on His love repose,

Who giveth His beloved sleep.

And, friends, dear friends, when it shall be

That this low breath is gone from me,

And round my bier ye come to weep,

Let one, most loving of you all,

Say, "Not a single tear must o'er her fall!

He giveth His beloved sleep."

Meant for the Christian Reader, I Think

grrrr. i have so much inertia to write. may the Lord move my hand.

the past 2 weeks have been incredible.

one. i visited singapore for a week- purely for holiday! and it was incredible to see so many precious friends.

two. it has also been incredibly... lonely.

wait, how is it possible that you feel lonely when you're with so many people? you ask.

back to one. i didn't feel lonely when i was WITH the people, but meeting up with so many people in such a short period of time makes being alone a lot worse afterwards.

two. i've always traveled to singapore for work, which means that i'll either be with a colleague, or a student, and/or there'll be a friend or a work-person who'll pick me up from the airport. this time however, i had no work purpose and no one was waiting for me at the arrival gate. 

you're such a baby! you can't even be alone for a while? you ask.

well, i cann... it's just that i'm not comfortable with it, that's all. so in my uncertainty when i touched down in singapore, i asked, "O God, what the hell am i doing?"

back to three. in my loneliness, i was incredibly desperate to talk to the Lord. and when there was no one else to talk to me, I had no one else to listen to, but Him.

Okay, here comes the important part that I want to record and share- what exactly did He say in the past 2 weeks?

ONE. He loves me so so much! :)

It's amazing what God will do for the sake of one person.

Last Thursday I was walking in Bencoolen, and I detoured to PSPC (a church i attended) on impulse. I was so disappointed to find that the sanctuary was locked and that everyone was out for lunch.

after reading all the noticeboards and exploring all four levels, i was very happy to see pastor darryl and peter back! somewhere along our conversation, i blurted that it's such a pity for the sanctuary to be locked- and pastor darryl was like, "oh, i can open it for you. just lock it back once you are done."

wait. what?

so yayness! he went back to his office and i enjoyed the sanctuary all to myself.

later on, as i shared with a friend how blessed I was to enjoy such a peaceful atmosphere and to talk to God so freely, she was like," you're so lucky! not many people get to be in the sanctuary because it's usually out of bounds, and it's locked up in case people misuse it."

Lucky indeed.

In Acts 8, the Lord loved an Ethiopian Eunuch so much that He instructed Phillip to leave his successful mega-ministry in Samaria, to go south instead, to the desert road, JUST SO that ONE person, the eunuch, can get some answers to the questions he was struggling to understand.

And I felt so touched that the Lord was prepared to open up the sanctuary just for one of me. As I stood on the isle, I remembered a dream that I had many years ago. I was a recent convert at that time, and my parents still did not allow me to go to church. So for a long time, I felt guilty for (falsely) believing that it is wrong not to go to church- however valid my reasons were.

so one night i had a dream. In it, i was pregnant- don't ask me who the father was haha... i can't remember and i think he was totally out of the picture. what mattered was, i was so pregnant with guilt for being an unwed mother. i was wandering on the streets and then somehow i was transported to a church and there were rows of foldable chairs. so i sat on one of them and waited for others to join me, but no one came. i was puzzled and wondered if the service will ever start, then the pastor began to preach even though he only had me as his one audience.

at that point, i started to weep because it was like God saying, "hey, I know that you can't go to church on sundays, but that's okay. I am God of all possibilities, and I can conduct a service just for you alone, even if it means I were to appear in your dream." I couldn't stop weeping out of relief and gratitude, i couldn't stop weeping even as i woke up and lay on my bed.

He loves this one daughter so so much.

TWO. I need to remember to love. because He first loved me.

I've been too task oriented. I keep praying for my parents' salvation and I get frustrated when they do not go to church with me. I accuse my mom of not keeping her promise to attend church if I return to Jakarta. 

But "getting them to go to church", and "getting them to be saved" have become a mere task, a goal on my To-Do List, which I'm waiting to be checked.

God says that I need to pray that I'll love them, that they'll know Him if I would just love them.

THREE. I need to read His Word again.

I haven't been doing my Quiet Time regularly for the past few months. I feel (so haughtily) that I've read the bible enough times, and as quoted from my diary, "What could be new?" in reading what i've repeatedly read.

Two days ago I learnt that unlike Charles Spurgeon, I lack faith that His Word could be so powerful that each time I read a same verse, it is possible to find a new perspective, a deeper meaning, or a timely reminder.

in my defense, i retorted in my diary, "I can't." I can't actually BE like Charles Spurgeon, even if I start reading His Word once more.

"Of course you can't," He says. "But I'll help you." So I've decided to read from Genesis and see what God can do to give me fresh understanding. I shall start T.O.D.A.Y.

"For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."
- Heb 4:12

On a side note. here are other brownie points for being alone in Jakarta in the past week.

i think i forgot to tell you that i was alone because my parents are happily cruising in Europe, my brother had to be out of town for a few days. and my maids were gone for their lebaran holiday. (i now have my bro and my maids back, phew!)

point 1. i get to water the garden! which creates the same sweet smell like an after-rain. LOVED it. plus there were butterflies and little birds in the garden- totally ignoring i was there.

point 2. jakarta's traffic was the quietest i ever experienced. plus cloudy skies- i feel like i'm back in US in autumn or something. parking in the open space of Lotte Mart makes me feel like i'm parking in Walmart haha...

point 3. i get to go to places which i've always wanted to go in a long time. :)

back to work tomorrow.

oyasuminasai! :)

I like the devotion message that was said the other morning.

"I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope."

-Psalm 130:5

:)

Sincerity

Everyone keeps talking about different methods on how to live and how to gain. How to be successful and how not to lose. People gossip about so-and-so, and how great his schemes were, that earned his lifelong gain. he's a great example- and we should all follow. oh, and so were hers- and we should also follow.

At the end of the day, I think I'd appreciate it if everyone can just practise sincerity in all that is said and done. yes that means we'll lose certain things like pride, and glamour.

but do you see that an unpretentious child is unafraid to get hurt as he explores the world? and because he's unafraid to lose whatever that makes him secure, he finds delight and a sense of wonder in discovering.

i think we all need to loosen up and enjoy being a total messed-up in front of other people. i think it'll be delightful and we'll discover wonders.

"The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want."

the world is full of pretty things, and it makes me happy.

my school contract is ending this september, and i'll have to decide by june if i were to stay. people have started to ask what my answer would be, and i've been saying i don't know, which is truly what i feel.

different people have different opinions on whether i should stay or go, and i'm asking the Lord to show me the signs.

this may sound silly to you, but the lalang and bamboo along the narrow street outside school seemed to beckon me each morning on my way in. my two favourite grass in the world- and they choose to lie prettily where i pass, it's like a sweet morning hello from the Lord. the sun lit them so perfectly at the morning angle that i cannot help but look.

that makes me happy, and i wonder if they beckon me to stay.

This Cat Fight

i hate the temptress. i wish i could fight her in a match, so i stand a chance in fair play.
but fair is not her game, and i hate her all the more.

i hate it that the whole world believes in her. there is no good thing in her. why, why, do you believe in her? i implore you, will you stop?

i love you, and you love me too. you love me more than i love you too. but why, do you believe in her lies?

there is something wrong with me, she says. i'm not dressed up enough, made up enough. not beautiful enough. i know that that's a lie- but why do you choose to believe in her, and not i?

there must, be something wrong with me, you say. i'm too proud, too principled, inflexible. too idealistic, too stubborn. i love to argue. and that's the reason why no one likes me.

a girl's value diminishes with her age, you say. a girl's happiness depends on who she marry. she tries to say the same thing to me. and i suppose you first heard this idea from her.

more than once, when she was negligent, he took the chance to tell me over and over about the truth in value. that we are valuable simply because we are beautifully and wonderfully made; that our worth does not increase because of what we have: our contributions, abilities, specialties, achievements, power, wealth, appearance, youth, or marriage. neither will it diminish because of what we don't have: our lack of contribution, our disabilities, failures, shame, poverty, outward flaws, age, or single-hood. it is a value that refuses to change no matter.

but you waved your hand off, and said,"why can't you just be more like me?"

i keep reminding myself that this is a battle between me and her. but why has it so often become a battle between us?

and so i hate her her all the more.

He Replied:

"In quietness and trust, is your strength."

-Isaiah 30:15

O Lord, i'm tired. i always feel like throwing up when that happens. literally. especially after hearing hours of accusations and insults, which were sincerely spurred out of love, and attempts of encouragement. i want to run away and have some peace and quiet. i want to go home and sleep in Your arms. how long will i be stuck in this car, this cycle?

thistles are rising from the ground, and i'm afraid it's slowing creeping into my ears, into my body. i'm afraid that their fears are drummed to become my fears; their concerns, mine.

"Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants."

- Matt 13:7

O Lord, i ask for strength, so I can stand firm, and continue to breathe.

Counting The Distance

If two lovers were cursed to turn their backs on each other forever, by sheer determination, they'd each have to endeavour half of 40,075 kilometres around the earth to see each other face to face.

And if Hou Yi was to join the Apollo missions, he would have travelled 406,700 kilometres to the moon to see Chang 'e.

I like the fact that the greatest distance we know are measured in light years; one light year is equivalent to approximately 10 trillion kilometres. I like it because 'years' reminds me that even though the standard unit of length may be in metres, distance is actually more relevant to us if measured in time.

Assume that the two cursed lovers had no other vehicles but to run across the globe. If they were given superhuman stamina (ie. they need no rest) and ran like an average marathon runner, the man would take 89.5 days to run half the earth's circumference, while the woman would take 102.7 days. If they each had a car and drove an average of 100 km/h, with no rest, they'd only take 8.5 days to meet midpoint on the other side of earth.

Hence, it is more relevant to say that their distance was 8.5 days apart, or 100 days apart; rather than 40,000 kilometres apart.

If another pair of lovers were to stand at an arm's length- a comfortable distance where their hands are intertwined, I'd say that they are zero seconds apart from each other. But if one of their love had gone cold beneath that facade, their distance would feel further than the largest physical distance conceivable.

The largest conceivable distance of any sort, I think, is death.

I don't mean the distance between one who's living and one who's dead; I mean death, that brings about the distance between heaven and hell.

If I were a cursed lover with my back stiffly turned, I am hopeful that I can cross half the earth in time to come. If I were holding a hand whose favour upon me is no more, I can remain hopeful for reconciliation in time to come. Even if a loved one were to die, I bear the hope that I'll see that person after life- which would not pose a problem if we are both in heaven, or in hell I guess.

The most dreadful distance, and most terrible, therefore, is when two persons are placed separately in heaven and in hell, beyond light years, and in all eternity.

Happy New Year 2012! =D

Come mid-february, i'll officially be back for t.w.o. years! :) time flies.

the Lord has brought me lower from the eighth floor so that I'll be more grounded, and so i can smell the after-rain better.

i haven't thought of any new year resolutions, and i'm not sure if i'm making any. but i'd like to share some little notes that were saved but went unpublished throughout 2011.

1. When My Wisdom Tooth Grew

"God, can we please have mashed potatoes in school today? Chewing is terrible." and voila. mashed potatoes it is! served that very day. i think the last time i saw mashed potatoes in the canteen was a year before that.

2. When I Drive

I hate driving to get myself fined. But I love driving to suddenly catch streams of brown leaves fall quietly like in the movies, right in front of my windshield.

3. When I Sing

In 2010, I took a whole year to read Jeremiah, the weeping prophet. when i finished that, i thought that the time of weeping for me is over. and hence it is time to sing. and i started reading psalms. that's why you'd notice that most of the blog posts in 2011 are in songs. but it turned out that i didn't stop weeping that year.

and that's okay.

Be patient, He says, the time of no death, mourning, crying or pain is yet to come.

4. When I'm Dissatisfied

"If I find myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."

- CS Lewis

5. When Tiles Are Smooth

She told me to be careful when I walk because the tiles are too smooth.

TOO smooth? and you'd think that smooth is good. smooth sailing is very good. but too-smooth makes us fall. Better that the tiles are rough. we will have a firmer walk in life with rough patches.

6. When Shopping Pales In Comparison

A friend once asked if she could visit my hometown.

Sure, I said, but there's nothing there.

That's not true! She said. There are people there. And people are the most important.

Hence, I've decided that the next time I travel, it shouldn't be for shopping madness. but to enjoy the Lord's creation, and most importantly, to meet the people.

7. When I'm Blessed

The Lord pampers me, I know. He pampers me with mashed potatoes and falling leaves; with a family that loves me, and with friends who are like-minded. But His pampering is most obvious when He brought me to Singapore just to show me who He is. And now that I've known, He brought me back so I can show others here.

"The God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

- Romans 15:13

"Blessed is the people whose God is the LORD."

- Psalm 144: 15b

i haven't thought of any new year resolutions, and I'm not sure if i'm making any. but i think i'd like to continue singing.

"I belong to you. This is my call, to sing melodies of You, and I can do nothing else."

- Sixpence None The Richer

"There is no one else for me. None but Jesus. Crucified to set me free. Now I live to bring Him praise. When You call, help me not to delay. This, my song through all my days."

- Hillsong United