the world is full of pretty things, and it makes me happy.

my school contract is ending this september, and i'll have to decide by june if i were to stay. people have started to ask what my answer would be, and i've been saying i don't know, which is truly what i feel.

different people have different opinions on whether i should stay or go, and i'm asking the Lord to show me the signs.

this may sound silly to you, but the lalang and bamboo along the narrow street outside school seemed to beckon me each morning on my way in. my two favourite grass in the world- and they choose to lie prettily where i pass, it's like a sweet morning hello from the Lord. the sun lit them so perfectly at the morning angle that i cannot help but look.

that makes me happy, and i wonder if they beckon me to stay.

This Cat Fight

i hate the temptress. i wish i could fight her in a match, so i stand a chance in fair play.
but fair is not her game, and i hate her all the more.

i hate it that the whole world believes in her. there is no good thing in her. why, why, do you believe in her? i implore you, will you stop?

i love you, and you love me too. you love me more than i love you too. but why, do you believe in her lies?

there is something wrong with me, she says. i'm not dressed up enough, made up enough. not beautiful enough. i know that that's a lie- but why do you choose to believe in her, and not i?

there must, be something wrong with me, you say. i'm too proud, too principled, inflexible. too idealistic, too stubborn. i love to argue. and that's the reason why no one likes me.

a girl's value diminishes with her age, you say. a girl's happiness depends on who she marry. she tries to say the same thing to me. and i suppose you first heard this idea from her.

more than once, when she was negligent, he took the chance to tell me over and over about the truth in value. that we are valuable simply because we are beautifully and wonderfully made; that our worth does not increase because of what we have: our contributions, abilities, specialties, achievements, power, wealth, appearance, youth, or marriage. neither will it diminish because of what we don't have: our lack of contribution, our disabilities, failures, shame, poverty, outward flaws, age, or single-hood. it is a value that refuses to change no matter.

but you waved your hand off, and said,"why can't you just be more like me?"

i keep reminding myself that this is a battle between me and her. but why has it so often become a battle between us?

and so i hate her her all the more.