Twelfth Night of November

one and a half months more.

i'm not sure what to think abt tt. but i feel sad today.

there's someone that is very dear to me but i feel that he or she has been emotionally needy nowadays. or maybe he's always been like that, but i've just noticed. i am upset at the words he utter- so often discomforting, not in a good way when someone tells you a truth that you hate but badly needed to hear. but more like when someone gets defensive by blaming others with false accusations and words of condemnation.

and yet i know i have not been good to him myself. didnt live up to certain expectations, and i forgot simple but important things- things that matter alot to him. and that itself is upsetting.

i'm also randomly upset about death.

the music at the background is telling me that He placed the stars in the sky and He knows them by name. i'm looking out of the window and i see no stars. but i remember that they're there whether i see them or not. just like the maker of them all who remains faithful forever. He's here no matter i see Him or not. and that's comforting. and that's another reason why i sleep peacefully at night, and more so on the twelfth night of november.

None The Less

Hi, your name is? =)

Today is the official opening of Paya Lebar Wellness Centre (PLWC)- that's where I'm working at the moment. I work with elderlies above 50, and my colleague is this lovely lady who has a big big heart. I also have other colleagues from Hougang Sheng Hong Family Service Centre (HSFSC), but we are located a few blocks away from each other- that's where I've started when I entered Society of Sheng Hong Welfare Services in January. I've just been transferred permanently to PLWC, and I miss them already. i'm in love with kind-hearted people who laugh sincerely.

I sign off as lince, which means lynx in spanish. if you'd google "cat and dog theology", you'd see an interesting analogy of christians as either cats or dogs, and their relationship with God as their master. cats are the self-centred, haughty ones. and lynx, being part of the cat family, is apt because i am distinctly one.

more accurately though, my name is Ellince. El means God in hebrews and unashamedly, apart from El, lince can do nothing.

Well, hi.

Not in order of importance:
you have much if you have:
a life, a job, a family, friends, money, health, happiness.
or if you have:
a life, a job, a family, friends, money and health.
or if you have:
a life, a job, a family, and friends.
or if you have:
a life, a job and a family.
or if you have:
a life and a job.
you will still have much if you have:
a life.

but knowing us, much is never enough. part of it is greed, but most of it is perfection-seeking. we yearn to be completed, satisfied- lacking nothing.

if what you have is only misery:
u are comfortably living below the absolute poverty line, your friends betrayed you, your family left you, your company cheated on you, and each ailing breath you take is physically agonising. you have nothing that the world yearns but a God who is still with you. i say that you lack nothing.

Today, i would like to boast that i have much and that i lack nothing. please remind me of this when i'm old and sickly and alone.

a.b.c.one.two.three

i can't keep quiet.

i distrust my Lord.

He tells me i should eat it, one at a time.

but i decided to juice them. lemon, pineapple, almond nuts, sambal, yam, kueh bangkit and pear. and gulped them with coke.

terrible altogether.

and so i forced myself to puke. to rid. to purge. all of them all at once.

and i did.

but an aftertaste lingers.

Rain Will Come

i've always wanted to name my baby girl Rayne if she's born on a rainy day- Ray- of hope, love, and all of God's goodness encompassed in the rain.
*that is IF, i'm ever going to have a baby girl, AND if, she's ever going to be born on a rainy day.

unchecked.

i've always been so certain about certain things. like writing. i've always loved to write since i was in secondary 2, and've always dreamt to be a writer of some sort after i graduate.

i have graduated. and i've applied to all the companies which i think'll give me tt opportunity. but i've either been rejected or ignored, or maybe i've just been ignorant in whom i shud apply to, and how i shud apply.

unchecked.

i've also always thought that i wanted to stay in singapore after i graduate, at least for a while. i HAVE stayed in singapore, for a while really- 3 months, since august this year.

at the start of nov, my parents asked me to come back to jkt if i still cannot find a job by the end of the month. so i started searching for jobs tts unrelated to writing. i went for a few interviews, and i got rejected.

then last wed my family finally asked me to come back to jkt on the weekend. they assured me it's not permanent, n that i can always look for a job in singapore via the internet. but i suspected my parents wanted me back at home more than just a little a while.

i was panicking (pls dun get me wrong, i dont hate coming back, and i do love to spend time wif my family), only because things are not going according to what i thought was certain.

tt evening, i went to my room and read Ezekiel 24:15-25.

ezekiel was told that the delight of his eyes was going to be taken away. and his wife died the next day.

she was a sign that the strongholds- in which you take pride, the delight of your eyes, the object of your affection, your joy and glory, your heart's desires, your sons and daughters- they will be taken away so you will know that God is God.

i understood then that God wanted to take away all my hearts' desires, my dreams and wants, my love, my all, so that I will know that God is God, and trust that God IS being God- my good God who knows abt every nano-inch of the world and about the unknown.

at 8pm, i got a phone call which offers me a job as a program coordinator in a family service centre (fsc). i accepted it immediately, and i called home.

checking.

today is 3rd of dec, and i'm back in jkt. i came back even though i accepted the job because 1, i already bought the ticket. 2, the fsc has not decided when i am to start.

i was supposed to come back on 29 nov last week n was supposed to go back to sgp today. but i didnt because the fsc remains undecided.

checking.

the point is, i'm not so certain abt many things now.

i wonder if i said yes too soon to the job offer. i wonder if i'll ever get a chance to write like how i imagined i would. i wonder if God's best plan for me is drawn in Indonesia or somewhere else. i wonder if i'll ever have a baby girl, and i wonder if my baby girl will be born on a rainy day.

checked.

i wonder if i'll ever find true love like those we watch on movies and fairy tales. not everyone do.

and as i wonder and ponder, i realised that i already found true love. and that true love is all around, displayed everywhere, n proclaimed every moment.

"If clouds are full of water,
they pour rain upon the earth.
Whether a tree falls to the south or to the north,
in the place where it falls, there will it lie."
- eccletiastes 11:3.

Love Them Like Jesus

by Casting Crowns.

The love of her life is drifting away
They're losing the fight for another day
The life that she's known is falling apart
A fatherless home, a child's broken heart

You're holding her hand, you're straining for words
You trying to make - sense of it all
She's desperate for hope, darkness clouding her view
She's looking to you

Just love her like Jesus, carry her to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don't need the answers to all of life's questions
Just know that He loves her and stay by her side
Love her like Jesus
Love her like Jesus

The gifts lie in wait, in a room painted blue
Little blessing from Heaven would be there soon
Hope fades in the night, blue skies turn to gray
As the little one slips away

You're holding her hand, you're straining for words
You're trying to make sense of it all
They're desperate for hope, darkness clouding their view
They're looking to you

Just love them like Jesus, carry them to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don't need the answers to all of life's questions
Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus

Lord of all creation holds our lives in His hands
The God of all the nations holds our lives in His hands
The Rock of our salvation holds our lives in His hands
He cares for them just as He cares for you

So love them like Jesus, love them like Jesus
You don't need the answers to all of life's questions
Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus
Love them like Jesus

i'm writing with such heavy hands. i'm guilty... of not writing about the many goodness of God, abt the lessons He taught me so graciously, for i am ashamed of my struggles, n i am ashamed of how i write. all the more i feel guilty because i care more abt me n my writing, than abt building a memorial for the most beautiful thing on earth, i chose to risk forgetting my Lord who has faithfully carried me through this season.

i need to click on 'publish post' now.

Himitsu

- showing off the little jap tt i learnt in class. haha.

I'm too lazy to google and check its source, but this is definitely frm a song:

the secret of life is letting go
the secret of love is letting it show.

some secrets remain as secrets because we hide the truth.
others remain as secrets because we dont bother to find out.
some secrets become open secrets, but we remain oblivious.

life and love are not so shy.
the giver of them all are not so shy.