i've always wanted to name my baby girl Rayne if she's born on a rainy day- Ray- of hope, love, and all of God's goodness encompassed in the rain.
*that is IF, i'm ever going to have a baby girl, AND if, she's ever going to be born on a rainy day.
unchecked.
i've always been so certain about certain things. like writing. i've always loved to write since i was in secondary 2, and've always dreamt to be a writer of some sort after i graduate.
i have graduated. and i've applied to all the companies which i think'll give me tt opportunity. but i've either been rejected or ignored, or maybe i've just been ignorant in whom i shud apply to, and how i shud apply.
unchecked.
i've also always thought that i wanted to stay in singapore after i graduate, at least for a while. i HAVE stayed in singapore, for a while really- 3 months, since august this year.
at the start of nov, my parents asked me to come back to jkt if i still cannot find a job by the end of the month. so i started searching for jobs tts unrelated to writing. i went for a few interviews, and i got rejected.
then last wed my family finally asked me to come back to jkt on the weekend. they assured me it's not permanent, n that i can always look for a job in singapore via the internet. but i suspected my parents wanted me back at home more than just a little a while.
i was panicking (pls dun get me wrong, i dont hate coming back, and i do love to spend time wif my family), only because things are not going according to what i thought was certain.
tt evening, i went to my room and read Ezekiel 24:15-25.
ezekiel was told that the delight of his eyes was going to be taken away. and his wife died the next day.
she was a sign that the strongholds- in which you take pride, the delight of your eyes, the object of your affection, your joy and glory, your heart's desires, your sons and daughters- they will be taken away so you will know that God is God.
i understood then that God wanted to take away all my hearts' desires, my dreams and wants, my love, my all, so that I will know that God is God, and trust that God IS being God- my good God who knows abt every nano-inch of the world and about the unknown.
at 8pm, i got a phone call which offers me a job as a program coordinator in a family service centre (fsc). i accepted it immediately, and i called home.
checking.
today is 3rd of dec, and i'm back in jkt. i came back even though i accepted the job because 1, i already bought the ticket. 2, the fsc has not decided when i am to start.
i was supposed to come back on 29 nov last week n was supposed to go back to sgp today. but i didnt because the fsc remains undecided.
checking.
the point is, i'm not so certain abt many things now.
i wonder if i said yes too soon to the job offer. i wonder if i'll ever get a chance to write like how i imagined i would. i wonder if God's best plan for me is drawn in Indonesia or somewhere else. i wonder if i'll ever have a baby girl, and i wonder if my baby girl will be born on a rainy day.
checked.
i wonder if i'll ever find true love like those we watch on movies and fairy tales. not everyone do.
and as i wonder and ponder, i realised that i already found true love. and that true love is all around, displayed everywhere, n proclaimed every moment.
"If clouds are full of water,
they pour rain upon the earth.
Whether a tree falls to the south or to the north,
in the place where it falls, there will it lie."
- eccletiastes 11:3.
