the past 2 weeks have been incredible.
one. i visited singapore for a week- purely for holiday! and it was incredible to see so many precious friends.
two. it has also been incredibly... lonely.
wait, how is it possible that you feel lonely when you're with so many people? you ask.
back to one. i didn't feel lonely when i was WITH the people, but meeting up with so many people in such a short period of time makes being alone a lot worse afterwards.
two. i've always traveled to singapore for work, which means that i'll either be with a colleague, or a student, and/or there'll be a friend or a work-person who'll pick me up from the airport. this time however, i had no work purpose and no one was waiting for me at the arrival gate.
you're such a baby! you can't even be alone for a while? you ask.
well, i cann... it's just that i'm not comfortable with it, that's all. so in my uncertainty when i touched down in singapore, i asked, "O God, what the hell am i doing?"
back to three. in my loneliness, i was incredibly desperate to talk to the Lord. and when there was no one else to talk to me, I had no one else to listen to, but Him.
Okay, here comes the important part that I want to record and share- what exactly did He say in the past 2 weeks?
ONE. He loves me so so much! :)
It's amazing what God will do for the sake of one person.
Last Thursday I was walking in Bencoolen, and I detoured to PSPC (a church i attended) on impulse. I was so disappointed to find that the sanctuary was locked and that everyone was out for lunch.
after reading all the noticeboards and exploring all four levels, i was very happy to see pastor darryl and peter back! somewhere along our conversation, i blurted that it's such a pity for the sanctuary to be locked- and pastor darryl was like, "oh, i can open it for you. just lock it back once you are done."
wait. what?
so yayness! he went back to his office and i enjoyed the sanctuary all to myself.
later on, as i shared with a friend how blessed I was to enjoy such a peaceful atmosphere and to talk to God so freely, she was like," you're so lucky! not many people get to be in the sanctuary because it's usually out of bounds, and it's locked up in case people misuse it."
Lucky indeed.
In Acts 8, the Lord loved an Ethiopian Eunuch so much that He instructed Phillip to leave his successful mega-ministry in Samaria, to go south instead, to the desert road, JUST SO that ONE person, the eunuch, can get some answers to the questions he was struggling to understand.
And I felt so touched that the Lord was prepared to open up the sanctuary just for one of me. As I stood on the isle, I remembered a dream that I had many years ago. I was a recent convert at that time, and my parents still did not allow me to go to church. So for a long time, I felt guilty for (falsely) believing that it is wrong not to go to church- however valid my reasons were.
so one night i had a dream. In it, i was pregnant- don't ask me who the father was haha... i can't remember and i think he was totally out of the picture. what mattered was, i was so pregnant with guilt for being an unwed mother. i was wandering on the streets and then somehow i was transported to a church and there were rows of foldable chairs. so i sat on one of them and waited for others to join me, but no one came. i was puzzled and wondered if the service will ever start, then the pastor began to preach even though he only had me as his one audience.
at that point, i started to weep because it was like God saying, "hey, I know that you can't go to church on sundays, but that's okay. I am God of all possibilities, and I can conduct a service just for you alone, even if it means I were to appear in your dream." I couldn't stop weeping out of relief and gratitude, i couldn't stop weeping even as i woke up and lay on my bed.
He loves this one daughter so so much.
TWO. I need to remember to love. because He first loved me.
I've been too task oriented. I keep praying for my parents' salvation and I get frustrated when they do not go to church with me. I accuse my mom of not keeping her promise to attend church if I return to Jakarta.
But "getting them to go to church", and "getting them to be saved" have become a mere task, a goal on my To-Do List, which I'm waiting to be checked.
God says that I need to pray that I'll love them, that they'll know Him if I would just love them.
I haven't been doing my Quiet Time regularly for the past few months. I feel (so haughtily) that I've read the bible enough times, and as quoted from my diary, "What could be new?" in reading what i've repeatedly read.
Two days ago I learnt that unlike Charles Spurgeon, I lack faith that His Word could be so powerful that each time I read a same verse, it is possible to find a new perspective, a deeper meaning, or a timely reminder.
in my defense, i retorted in my diary, "I can't." I can't actually BE like Charles Spurgeon, even if I start reading His Word once more.
"Of course you can't," He says. "But I'll help you." So I've decided to read from Genesis and see what God can do to give me fresh understanding. I shall start T.O.D.A.Y.
"For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."
- Heb 4:12
- Heb 4:12
On a side note. here are other brownie points for being alone in Jakarta in the past week.
i think i forgot to tell you that i was alone because my parents are happily cruising in Europe, my brother had to be out of town for a few days. and my maids were gone for their lebaran holiday. (i now have my bro and my maids back, phew!)
point 1. i get to water the garden! which creates the same sweet smell like an after-rain. LOVED it. plus there were butterflies and little birds in the garden- totally ignoring i was there.
point 2. jakarta's traffic was the quietest i ever experienced. plus cloudy skies- i feel like i'm back in US in autumn or something. parking in the open space of Lotte Mart makes me feel like i'm parking in Walmart haha...
point 3. i get to go to places which i've always wanted to go in a long time. :)
back to work tomorrow.
oyasuminasai! :)
